to think this is not what i signed up for?

[feelinghorribleandselfish]

Ok so before you all start ripping me to shreds I know IABU but just need to vent. Married 11 years 3 3Ds aged 9,7 and 11 months. DH has for the last -I'd say 5 or 6 years had a "bad back" but in the last year it has been getting worse. He used to still do stuff around the house but now he doesn't do anything. Anyway I have been begging him to go to the doctor to see what is wrong and he finally did. Good news is that we know what is wrong - bad news is that he has arthritis, which is basically incurable. I am only 33 and he is 36, so I basically have to know resign myself to the fact that this is our life for the next 40 odd years? Me doing absolutely everything? Like I said I know IABU hence the NC but just needed to get my feelings out. I'm sorry

I've had bad arthritis in my back since I was four.

I've learnt to do most things. I can also deal with the pain. Give him time.

In the meantime, it's totally reasonable to feel the way that you do.

I have bad arthritis, well controlled with ANti-TNF drugs. It was diagnosed when I was 21, I am 38 now. I work full time at a well paid and demanding job. We have 4 year old twins and I am 30 weeks pregnant. I am well and active.

The arthritis diagnosis does not have to mean you do everything. Your DH can get some proper treatment now and start to get better.

Sitting around doing nothing will make his back worse. What type of arthritis has he got - rheumatoid or osteo?

A friends rheumatoid arthritis has all but disappeared since she revamped her lifestyle, no more booze, caffeine, gentle exercise, 'clean eating'. She has even stopped taking her meds and painkillers. She has built up her exercise and now runs half marathons.

It can be managed, my friends example might sound extreme (and may be unmanageable for your husband, after all she is self employed, lives on her own with no dc), but it doesn't necessarily mean he'll be in pain with it forever. He should be able to pitch in still, in fact it may well be good for him. Any further support been offered to him?

My sister has RA. She still has to do pretty much ALL housework etc as her DH works away. Using that as an excuse to do fuck all is a cop-out frankly!

My DW has arthritis in her back. She has had times where she has been in alot of pain but now that she has a good consultant she is getting lots of help. She works full time, spends alot of that flying or driving and does her fair share when she is home. I'm not saying it's not difficult for her but it doesn't mean you can't do anything. Btw she has also lost a lot of weight which has helped too.

As for you OP, it is completely understandable that you feel put upon. It is very difficult coping with a family when one of you is incapacitated for any reason. It can cause alot of resentment no matter how horrible that sounds. Encourage your DH to do everything he can to help himself, I really hope things aren't as bad as you fear.

A friend has it over her whole body i think,(she is only 21) she carries on a normal life holds down a full time job as a nanny.

If she forgets to take her meds it is problematic but otherwise almost normal life.

Nobody would be remotely justified in ripping you to shreds.

He's using his arthritis as an excuse not to do any housework, because he feels entitled not to do housework.

I know various women with really bad osteo arthritis and rheumatoid arthritis - one so bad, she had to have hip and knee replacements.

They do all their own housework because they don't get an automatic opt out on domestic labour because of their illness.

Ive had RA since I was four. 40 yrs later, I cope. But no matter hoe many stories you hear like mine or the onrs above, we didn't get there overnight. I would hate you oraanyone think that its a cop out to have arthritis. It will br trial and error to get the meds right. Anti tnf"s/biologics arent given straight away.. self management is important, I teach courses but every person who has come to my class has been depressed etc. Arthritis is life changing. You need to give him time to get sorted. Dont pander, you aren't his carer, but empathy goes a long way.

housework will still be there, diy will still be there. Its people not housework thats important. Look after yourself too op.

I'm sure there are arthritis support groups out there - they might give you an idea of how much activity is the norm, or should be expected. Did the doctor talk about pain management at all?

And fyi I have arthritis in most joints, fused ankle, three replacements and countless ops, sometimes I HAVE to opt out of domestic labour. Thats the best part of my relationship. Its a partnership, not a competition. He picks up the slack when im not able.

People really dont understand arthritis sometimes.

I have psoriatic arthritis and at the mo its very well controlled and I take minimum drugs and only have little pain. I work full time and do everything you would expect a normal person in their 30s to do. However I didn't get here overnight. I have had problems, walking, eating (when it affected my jaw) injections in joints, drugs that had horrible allergic reactions to and liver damage (now healed) and last bank holiday a stomach ulcer (drug related) which was lovely.

I think your dh needs a shove to get off his arse and try to get it sorted out, and to keep moving even a bit as being sedentary doesn't help at all. However could with support/drugs/changes in lifestyle get back to some sort of normality.

This will get easier!

Sitting around doing nothing will make his situation worse! Has the Dr recommended any treatment? Physio or an exercise routine/pain management?

Arthritis is limiting but depending on the severity it is not an excuse to do nothing!! My Dm has osteoarthritis as does my nan and I have the onset of it. My nan is in her mid 80's and until the last 3-4 years has had a relatively normal and active lifestyle and would continue to have if she would lose weight!

Have some patience with him but alone honest about how you feel or the resentment risks causing major issues in your marriage. He may not be able to do the big chores but perhaps he can help with other smaller ones to at least help balance things

My dh has degenerative arthritis in several vertebrae. Has your dh been to see a consultant, as this can't really be diagnosed by a Gp? Dh has had spinal injections, all types of meds..... But the thing that has really worked has been active management. Basically, physio, followed by a set exercise regime (streches, core strength etc). He went from not being able to walk/move to playing football... My brother has it even worse, but is still active, he is worse when unable to get to gymn. You need to find someone who really knows about treating this... It is not a life sentence, but can be problematic if it spirals into inactivity/depression

Thank you for all the replies, I'm glad to hear I am not just being selfish. I'm not sure what arthritis it is but it's in his spine if that makes a difference? He has had an xray which was ordered by his GP which the results confirmed he had arthritis. I'm just getting really down because I do literally everything around the house. The baby has been getting up at 6am every morning and if it's a weekend I still have to get up with her and he regularly stays in bed till 9am at the earliest, often then getting up and having at least an hour long bath so I'm on my own downstairs with the three kids till about 11am. If I say something about this he huffs and puffs and says he was awake a lot in the night (which I understand but it's not ny fault) I'm so tired all the time having to do everything and feel like I'm on my own. I may as well have 4 children not 3 and a husband. I don't think I can cope with this for the next 40 odd years of my life.

Please please can you differentiate between Rheumatoid Arthritis and Osteo-arthritis, the first one is an Auto-immune disease that attacks the whole body, lungs,kidney, etc and of course joints and causes loads of horrid side effects (fatigue, anaemia), the other -Osteo-arthritis is degeneration of the joint cartilage and underlying bone. Of course the latter is horribly painful but the two conditions are very different.

I feel very sorry for the OP as once the joint has degenerated it probably won't improve, perhaps just control with painkillers and keeping active so that muscles etc don't lose their function.

My DH developed RA at a similar age to your DH.

He managed to get to a point were he could still be active, with a lifestyle revamp and medication/hospital treatment.

However, we were part of a support group and most sufferers have a level of depression, through fatigue, pain and or the meds.

You need to have a full and honest conversation about everything.

My DH picked up after about two years, but it took a lot of effort on both our parts and wider family.

He developed unrelated Cancer and passed away, years later.

feelinghorrible are there any support groups you can go to to?

You might also benefit from relationship counselling as this diagnosis will change the whole dynamic of your relationship and it's worth exploring that.