To ask how you explain terminal illness and death to little ones

[MrsSeanBean1]

I have absolutely no idea how to approach this and would really welcome some advice.

I have a 28 month old and a newborn. My nan and grandad have always been an enormous part of my life, so much so that I see them every day. As a result, my DD is very very close to them and loves them dearly. She looks forward to going to their house every day.

My nan was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer that has spread so we know that she doesn't have much time. She has been relatively well until this week but has started having quite a bit of pain. She is finding it hard to pick up DD and play with her which is upsetting both of them. I know that decline and death is usually pretty quick with pancreatic cancer so I need to start thinking how to approach this with DD.

We are also close to my parents (it is my mom's mom who is ill), seeing them every day as well. When my nan passes away everyone is going to be devastated and DD is going to see everyone cry. She has just started to become sensitive to people crying and, when I cried tonight after seeing my nan in pain, she came over and say silently on my lap, hugging me, staring at my face, and wiping my tears.

What should I tell her? One day soon we are going to go to their house and my nan won't be there, how do I explain that? I don't think I should take her to the funeral but then I have no one to leave her with as all the family will be there.

We are being DD up as atheist but explaining all religions by saying that 'some people believe this, some people believe that'. However, is the idea of heaven comforting or confusing for children? Where should I say nan has gone?

Please please do you have any advise as I feel so confused.

Here's a paragraph from the book No Matter What

I developed an explanation that went like this: "Mummy got sick, really sick, and the doctors couldn't make her better. When people get really sick their bodies stop working and they die. She didn't want to die, in fact she was very sad, because she wouldn't see you or Daddy again. But she did die and we won't see her again. She's not sad anymore. I'm going to miss her and it's OK for you to miss her too. But she is still in our hearts and heads. We still have pictures and memories of her. And she loved you and Daddy, and love, like starlight, never dies."

My 3 year old has been told that when people get very old or very sick (or both) they die. We all try very hard to make them better again but sometimes you just can't make them better. When they die it is sad for us because we can't see them anymore, but it's not sad for them because they aren't sick or old anymore.

I also made sure to explain the distinction between "so poorly you could die" and "normal illness" like colds, chicken pox, or an upset stomach.

Also, my ds went to my mum's funeral age 2, my nan's funeral at age 3 and helped us bury the cat he adored a couple of months ago. I explain what was happening each time, I didn't see the point of keeping him away and I think it helped him understand why we were all so upset.

I think just saying" Nans life is nearly finished now. We know she will be gone soon because she isvery poorly". Leave it at that, and wait for questions. Explain to you Nan what you have said, as the questions may be directed at her.

Don't worry about her seeing people upset. Just say "we are crying because we loved her." and let her see that no one is embarrassed or ashamed of their tears.

Children learn a lot from facing bereavements alongside their parents. They learn about love and family bonds, and letting go. it is all part of the package of family life.

I would be quiet open about it, and tell her that nana is very sick and the doctors can't make her better. I would also say that she will probably die soon and we will all be sad and we will miss her a lot. We have had a good deal of loss in our house since dd was born so she is actually quiet comfortable talking about dying. She is not afraid of it and is very accepting. Ur dd sounds like a fabulous empathic caring little one. I would not hide your upset from her. It is a natural response. We talk about grandad and greatgranny here a lot and have a photo of dd with her grandad so she always remembers what he looked like, and I always remind her of the fun they had together. dd has been at 3 funerals - she will be 4 soon! Sorry to hear ur nan has pancreatic cancer - my dad had it and became very ill very quickly.. Hope things go ok for u all.

Do not say they went to sleep or died in their sleep! Phrase it at having gone to heaven!
My mum died when I was 3 and I was told mum died in her sleep and I used to be terrified going to sleep incase I didn't wake up! 21 years on I still don't sleep well!!

Are they under hospice care? If so, they have resources available to help you explain it. When my mom was dying of cancer, my oldest son was almost 3, and they did a puppet show to explain it to him. Sounds weird, but it wasn't, it helped a lot.

Have a look at the Winston's Wish charity book shop and resources for bereaved children. They're fantastic.

Young children don't understand that death is permanent. They nod when told someone is dead then later ask when the are coming to visit. It's best not to use euphemisms because the add to the confusion. Something like "X was so poorly that the doctor couldn't make her better, her body stopped working and she died. Being dead means we won't see her again. I feel sad about her dying and it's ok for you to feel sad too. If you have any questions you can ask me". This will need lots of repeating.

Children often ask really "insensitive" questions about what the dead person looks like or felt. Be prepared for this.

Really sorry your family is going through this.

Buy "Badger's Parting Gifts" by Susan Varley.

It is designed for this situation - you can read it to children beforehand.

I appreciate that this is not the same thing at all but our dog was put to sleep last year. We knew it was going to happen (she had kidney failure). What helped my 3 year old DD was reading "Goodnight Mog" - Mog dies, a little bit of her stays behind to watch over the family and when she is happy that they will be ok she flies up into the sun. (We are atheists but I guess this is a heaven equivalent explanation)

On the morning that she was going to be put to sleep we told DD that DDog would be going to the sun. DD sat next to DDog and showed her the book saying "it's ok DDog, you're going to go to the sun like Mog". Once it had happened and we explained that it was permanent and DDog could not come back DD was ok. We got a lot of questions like "Is DDog going to wee on the floor of the sun?" as she tried to make sense of it (kidney failure meant that DDog had frequent accidents). DD still talks about DDog a lot now (and a previously unloved dog cuddley toy has been named DDog's name and sleeps on DD's bed every night!) but she came to terms with it remarkably quickly.

She was happy with the explanation that when people or animals get very old their body gets broken and can't be mended then they die (I used broken to differentiate from sick).

Hope things go ok for you all.

Agree with everyone else, just be honest and direct. We project our feelings about death onto children but really they don't tend to get particularly upset at that age as they don't understand permanence.
My H's gran died after a quick cancer (over the course of about 2 months), my children were 2 and 3. One of the lovely things we have is a video of her reading them a story, both sat on her lap, from a couple of weeks before she died. If you can get some video (I know it may be the last thing on your mind right now!) I'm sure it'll be something to treasure in years to come. my children love watching it as now, 5 years on, they really don't remember her although we talk about her a lot.
Also please don't say she's gone to heaven - children that age can't distinguish between heaven and going anywhere else (like the supermarket!) and can get scared of people going somewhere in case they can't come back.