To allow exdp on off gf around our dc with her violent history? Please tell me if I am!!

[Poppiesway]

Ex dp is the father of both our ds's (15&7). We have been separated (mostly amicably) for the past 5 years.
About 18 months ago he began seeing a work colleague and moved in together immediately. Although I didn't like her (various reasons but mainly she is only 10 years older than ds1) the dc would occasionally stay at ex dp's when I needed him to have them. (He's never had them on a regular weekend duty as he works every other weekend. But when asked he would have them occasionally at theirs and mainly he would stay at mine to watch them and go home when I got in during the evening) last November 2013 he left his new gf due to her behaviour, she drinks regularly and when drunk would become violent towards exdp. I have listened to his discussion of her behaviour towards him in disgust. He left their home and has stayed with us for the past 5 months (on the sofa) relationships with the dc have been good and they are happy to have seen their dad a lot more again. (When with his exgf he would see them for 2 x 1.5 hours twice a week at most when he picked ds2 up from school and then would drop him with me at work as he needed to get back home - he had moved 30 miles away with exgf)
Anyway (trying not to drop feed)
He has now decided to move back with his ex gf, I asked if he could babysit the dc Sunday eve, but he will only do this now if he can have them stay with him and exgf.

I am not happy with this. After listening to him being upset with her treatment towards him, the violence when she's drunk and her mood swings, I am not prepared to allow the dc to be with her. Exdp says she is fine now and won't be violent towards the dc but still I am refusing to allow them to be with her.

I know if I had been in a relationship with a man who had been violent towards me that exdp would not be happy (if I had left imaginary violent man and then returned to a such a relationship) having a person around the dc.

Am I being unreasonable in not letting her near our dc. I have said I will not be happy and will pull out all stops to not let her near them.

Sorry that was soo long!!

Her violent behaviour includes punching exdp inside of head when he is asleep to wake him up, she has "fly kicked" him in the back when he walked away from her, she has tried to strangle him.

I have to nip out but will be back to read your responses! Tia

I can understand why you wouldn't want her around your children.

Do you know why he has done an about turn? Has she received professional help?

I am of the opinion that if your ex makes a choice to return to his abusive relationship then that is entirely his choice but he can't expect you to just allow your DC to be around her. At least not until a long period of time has passed and she has proven herself to have changed.

The problem for him is that, having used you as a sounding board and a place to stay when his relationship went tits up, he has now shared information with you that makes you uncomfortable about allowing access. Which is good for you, as you know what's been happening, but bad for him as he wants to keep on having his cake and eating it. He cannot seriously expect you to be a listening ear and a bed for the night/five months and then smile and wave him off as he returns to an abusive relationship in which he wants to involve your kids. Have you asked him how he would feel in your shoes?

Tabby - she's a violent woman. He made the choice to get back with her.

Well, he's a victim of domestic abuse isn't he?

As your relationship is amicable op maybe put him in touch with a helpline?

You're not at all unreasonable to not want that woman near your children.

Thankyou for your replies.
I have said to him he wouldn't be happy if the shoe was on the other foot and I went back to a violent relationship and had the dc there with them.
Fair enough she's never done anything to the dc but I don't want her involved with them. Full stop.

Exdp says that his gf is now on antidepressants and was signed off work sick for a few weeks. But people with depression don't become violent do they? I've certainly not and have been on antid's after both ds's.

When he was with her before they split I asked him to wait 6 months beige introducing her to the dc as his gf until he was sure it was going to be a stable relationship. It's annoyed me that it wasn't and he still introduced the boys to her.

I actually did send him a text with a domestic violence link about help in it but he doesn't see it as domestic violence.

Depression is a very complex illness, it doesn't have the same affect on everyone, the outward showing symptoms can vary massively. Some people with depression can become extremely violent.

It sounds like his girlfriend is taking the correct steps to improve her mental health and well being but truthfully your ex has to understand that he is a grown man who has made a decision after 5 months apart to give their relationship another shot. He obviously loves the woman and it has taken him 5 months to come around so he should extend you the same courtesy where your children are concerned.

I think for him not seeing it as domestic violence is because there is (wrongly) still a massive stigma when it comes to male dv victims. It's sad but society today still see's the male as the physically stronger sex.

I think it might be worth sitting down with your ex and explaining that he has every right to make his own decisions in life but you also have every right to want to protect your children. I would give his girlfriend a chance, see how things go over the next few months and then consider them spending some time with her and gradually increasing. That is obviously providing she is keeping her anger under control.

It's a tough one.

Thankyou for your replies.
I have said to him he wouldn't be happy if the shoe was on the other foot and I went back to a violent relationship and had the dc there with them.
Fair enough she's never done anything to the dc but I don't want her involved with them. Full stop.

Exdp says that his gf is now on antidepressants and was signed off work sick for a few weeks. But people with depression don't become violent do they? I've certainly not and have been on antid's after both ds's.

When he was with her before they split I asked him to wait 6 months before introducing her to the dc as his gf until he was sure it was going to be a stable relationship. It's annoyed me that it wasn't and he still introduced the boys to her.

I actually did send him a text with a domestic violence link about help in it but he doesn't see it as domestic violence.

Sorry don't know how I posted it twice!! The button had froze

hmmm okay how about a compromise if he is to give his relationship another go then he needs to see the kids by himself because putting the children in that situation her/him/kids will cause added stress for her so take it slow the kids don't go (oooh i rhymed that one )

she has no right to see the kids anyway so he should keep them away (for now) then if she kicks off you are right and your kids are safe