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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not tell her?

10 replies

ThingsBreakToRebuild · 22/05/2014 13:13

Hi, looking for some outside opinions. I'm in my early 20's, and am staying back at home with my Ma while waiting for all the legal stuff to be sorted on my new place, old owners moving out, etc. During my undergraduate days, I developed an eating disorder which I have never told her about. We don't have the best relationship; she was a lone parent, and tends to blame me for the things which have gone wrong in her life. She an be quite selfish, and ha a knack of turning my issues round onto herself. I have the condition under control, but lately have been having a few issues with food, which can happen when I be super stressed (moving house, living back with my mother, in the inal stages of pHD study), however, I am using coping mechanisms and touch wood have not had a full on relapse. Part of what helps me is being able to plan and prepare my own meals, as it gives me se control. Recently, my Ma has noticed my preference for this, and has also commented on the fact that I have list some weight. My boyfriend and old roommate are the o my people who know, and both say I don't have any obligation to talk to my mother about it, given that she has treated me badly in the past. I will not be staying with her much longer, and we do not see a lot of each other due to living at opposite ends of the country, so she could realistically never know. AIBU not to tell her, or does she have a right to know????

OP posts:
herecomesthesunlala · 22/05/2014 13:14

Why on earth would she have a right to know this?

Fathertedfan · 22/05/2014 13:16

I wouldn't confide in her unless you are pretty confident she will be supportive. Do you have a counsellor to support you?

FourForksAche · 22/05/2014 13:17

if you don't want to tell her you're perfectly within your rights not to.

CiderLover · 22/05/2014 13:18

I wouldn't mention it personally. You don't know how controlling she will become which will result in building that anxiety over food again.

PresidentSpreadable · 22/05/2014 13:19

No, YANBU. She doesn't have a right to know at all.

Unless you thought she would offer support and not make it all about her I would keep quiet and look forward to finishing your phd and moving into your new place.

I'm in my forties and have never told my mother about my bulimia (now under control), for similar reasons. I know that she would not understand, and would end up blaming me and being very judgemental. My friends and partner are supportive and are the only people who need to know.

DoJo · 22/05/2014 13:22

Keeping yourself in check is a priority so if you think she would help and make it easier for you to maintain control of the situation then tell her. If there is any doubt in your mind, or you believe that she would add to your stress and potentially make things worse, then don't.

Purpleroxy · 22/05/2014 13:22

Are you sure your mum hasn't already guessed?
You don't need to tell her and I wouldn't because it doesn't sound like she will be supportive.

UriGeller · 22/05/2014 13:24

Unless she can help you OR confiding in her will somehow help you. Then there's nothing to be gained from informing her. But being honest in front of our parents is a big step towards independence.

Let your friend and your boyfriend help you if you aren't coping. Sounds like they will be your best supporters.

sezamcgregor · 22/05/2014 13:47

She sounds like my mother.

If you told her about it, she'd probably go on a rant about how she doesn't understand why you've got an "eating disorder" - if you had her kind of stress you'd really know what being stressed means etc etc

You can do without that - and you're doing well to keep it under control.

However, I would question whether living with her is the right idea and try to stay at BF's/friends' houses a few days a week too and try to distract yourself from her as much as possible.

MaxPepsi · 22/05/2014 13:59

I don't think you need to tell her. It doesn't sound like she will help you in anyway.

If she questions you, and becomes a pain about it can you tell her it's because you are getting into the habit of budgeting and not wasting food as you are conscious of not having as much money/the environment etc etc?

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