Husband has a photo of work colleague (in the office nothing dodgy) on his phone camera

[bubbles11]

The photo is a plain full body (fully clothed in casual looking trousers and top not overtly attractive clothing but strangely not work attire / suit etc) in the office. It is recent and in between pictures of our children which he also has on his phone but she is standing in their open plan office. I asked him about it last night and he said it was because she said she was going to lose weight (the implication being he wants to tease her about it - this is his type of personality). She is smiling in the photo but not in a provocative way. He said "anyway she is married" and then he deleted it. They get on, he admires her "because she is so efficient and hard working" but he has always denied he has any feelings for her. Our marriage is not great. what do you think? I told him to change the pin number for his phone (he knows I sometimes look at his phone and he did not ask me why i looked) because I never want to look at his phone again because this type of thing upsets me. Am I unreasonable to be upset

If you're both ok with you going through his phone, then there was nothing wrong with looking. But trying to control what he says or does by getting upset like that is wrong. You can't get mad about an innocent picture that was never yours to look at in the first place.

It was a picture of a friend. I have lots of colleagues in my phone. If my husband got upset about it, I'd tell him to man up. Your husband has far more patience to explain it to you and then delete the photo for you.

But yes, for both your sanity, I wouldn't look through his phone if you trust him and you get easily upset like this.

Princess thanks. I dont know whether I trust him but I am happy never to look at his phone again and that is why i asked him to change his pin

i don't think there is anything wrong with having a picture like that on his phone, but i wouldn't be happy either if i saw one on my hd phone.
as long as you have discussed how it made you feel and he has taken your feelings on board.
and no marriage is perfect x

thank you for your kind reply mismylinford
God knows my marriage is not perfect
I appreciate you posting, I have decided never to look at his phone ever again x

It sounds quite innocent to me to be honest

If DH went through the camera roll on my iPad/phone he'd probably wonder what the hell I was on (especially since MN introduced being able to post pics straight to threads )

I really wouldn't be too upset by this, they were probably just chatting and a before and after was suggested.... I wouldn't like it but i wouldn't read too much into it either. You do, however, seem very upset in general with your relationship and i would focus on that rather than this.

thanks herecomesthesunlala
if only focusing on my relationship would solve it
he says I am paranoid so I guess maybe my paranoia is not helping the very ailing health or otherwise of our marriage
thanks anyway for your input

Can I ask why you find this picture upsetting?

I'm not saying that you shouldn't, but it does sound innocent and if I found a picture of a fully dressed woman in an office on my dp's phone I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

What exactly are you worried about?

Eminybob it is born out of my total lack of trust i guess. I dont know how to solve that apart from never to look at his phone again and not to think about it. Not thinking about it is the way forward as I dont know any other way. I don't have anything concrete to point to in relation to my lack of trust apart from chronic lack of communication and zero time spent with my husband since our son was born 4 years ago together with serious sleep deprivation and stress (mine and a little bit of his too). I also make the mistake of trying to raise things in the middle of the night (we never talk about things at any other time apart from discussing the occasional tv programme). Midnight conversations are always a disaster

My DH has watsapp an every picture that gets sent to him saves in his phone. He is part of some groups on it with his friends and some of them send the most hideous photos and they save into his phone among picture of dd! I find it funny now but I was so confused when I scrolling through the pics of our dd.

As for you actual post OP I'd be inclined to believe him as it doesn't seem overly defensive like he was lying.

It does sound rather paranoid, but I don't think any of us are in a position to say whether his behaviour makes it understandable for you to be paranoid.

I know that if I happened to find a photo like that on my husband's phone, I wouldn't bat an eyelid, because I trust him and have no worries that he is doing anything dodgy.

Have you tried getting some kind of relationship counselling to help you talk through the issues in your marriage? That might give you a 'neutral' space in which to talk through why you feel the way you do. A counsellor might be able to help you understand why you feel that way, and whether it is justified.

TBH if my husband suddenly raised issues like this in the middle of the night without warning, it probably wouldn't end up that well either. You need to find ways and means to talk when you are both awake and calm if you are going to make any headway.

Even if your husband is OK with you going through his phone, questioning him about photos on his phone and analysing details like the woman's expression and style of dress isn't healthy, for you or your relationship.

This reminds me of when DH (in the early days of our relationship) saw an x at the end of a text from a male classmate inviting me to go bowling and worried it was a date. I pointed out it was a group text sent to everyone in our class and this bloke always signed texts to everyone with a kiss, it was his thing, it didn't mean anything. DH realised he had some trust issues and addressed them. It's important to look at the big picture and figure out the issues that make you feel so insecure instead of focusing on the photo. Try counselling, either individually or together.

Topaz25 - you are right - hence I will never look at his phone again

He probably does see her in a fond light but totally platonically ie in a friendly way. I can see why this might be upsetting to you but he hasn't really done anything wrong.

Your main problem is that your marriage isn't great and you just seem to accept this and assume that he will accept it too and do nothing about it. I would wonder if he is quite unhappy. It must be very unfulfilling to go out to work all day and return to an unaffectionate marriage. I'd be asking myself what he is getting out of it.

Considering many in such a situation have had affairs, he doesn't sound like a bad man at all. Perhaps you should book some marriage counselling.

Poor you. I do understand why you felt like you did but honestly it does sound totally innocent. All too easy to misinterpret things out of context. Step away from his phone :-)

thanks
Chelsy he would never ever agree to counselling, his approach is never to apologise, admit or discuss anything really just to continue. However maybe i should got to counselling on my own. If he does end up having an affair (what does he get out of our marriage? two children, i work full time and pay 100% of the mortgage which is basically my wage although he earns much more than me but if someone asked me that is something i would point to namely that he does not have to earn everything; i do all the school runs due to him working a long way away from home. cannot think of much else I offer him)
His phone and indeed all computers / IT in the house I realise now has to be totally off limits as I start getting worried and he calls it paranoia
The default is not to think about it and not to look

You pay 100% of the mortgage? And your marriage is poor? What are you getting out of this? The mortgage thing is pretty bad behaviour on his part.

I think one of you needs counselling anyway. He sounds a real misery guts. He does sound unhappy, but he might well be one of those ones who might never be happy.

Do you think he is depressed at all?

Why is the OP paying 100% of the mortgage poor on his behalf. I do this and my DP pays for bills etc (shrugs)

It sounds like some counselling might help you to think about the relationship, and what you get out of it, and whether there are strategies for improving things (or whether you might consider not being married to him).

Once you are clearer in your own mind, you might be okay about the way things are, or you might see there are certain specifics that you need to change. At the moment, you sound very unhappy. That's not a good way to live your life, or a good environment in which to raise children.