To want to see my dad.

[hedgetrimmer]

SOrry this is so long but its as short as i could get it!

My mum had me when she was 15,my dad was a couple of years older than her.I never really knew why they split up and i stopped seeing him,i just know that i stopped seeing him when i was about 5,i only have a few memories of him.

I was never allowed to ask about my dad,if i did then i was made to feel like i was naughty for asking,and the only thing she ever used to say was that she hoped he was dead.I have a stepdad and half brother who is 20,but i was never made to feel part of their family,always felt like i was in the way.to be fair i was awful when i was younger but im not sure which came first.

I am 28 now,have children of my own,i got into contact with my dad a few years back over genes reunited,and we chatted on and off on facebook,i moved away from where i was born when i was 18 and rarely go back (because of bad relationship with my mum and no other family there)so never made plans to meet up.

My relationship with my mum has always been awful,she can be really nasty to me.We are very different in personality.

I have been getting on better with my mum recently and decided to go and visit her and tie it in with visiting my friend who i always promise to see,and decided to go and see my dad too.

Long story short,i got on really well with him,met all his side of the family,my 2 stepsisters and my half brother,all really lovely.They have children too.

While there i found out from my dad,and all is family,that one day when i was about 6 months old,my mum dropped me off at his and never came back til i was about 4........i am really shocked.He said she decided she wanted me back all of a sudden and the courts decided to give me to her as back in those days it was always the mother who got the child.

I asked my mum about this,shehas been a bit more open about it in recent years,although still a bit touchy,she admitted to leaving me,but she said it was about 6 months,but what she said really upset me,she said she only took me bac because social services told her if she didnt i would be put into care,because my dad wasnt looking after me.

She also said my dad beat her up the last time i stayed with him,and thats why i stopped seeing him.He said he has never touched her,and that he lost contact with me when he came to pick me up from school,and they told him i had moved schools (i remember moving schools)

Sorry this is so long!stay with me!

Anyway...........the aibu is..........aibu to want to carry on seeing this man?And should i tell my mum?I have not told her i have met him,i am worried ti will upset her,things are ok between us at the moment,i dont want to ruin them,but next time i see him my children will too and i dont want to get them to lie.

Aibu to see a man who possibly beat my mother up?Am i being disloyal to her?And is it strange to want a relationship with my dad after all tihs time?

It is a very long post...........

it sounds like there is a lot of issues here that are complex and difficult to deal with for you :(

Without sounding like a complete bitch, i think you need to disregard your mum's feelings and focus on what you want.

Going on what you have put here...she walked out on you for anything from 6 months to 3.5 years depending on whose story you believe most (and you can apply under freedom of information act to see your social services file), refused you contact with your father because she alleges he beat her up and then proceeded to alienate you from her new family. Would her story change if she knew you were getting his side of it too?

If i were you i would be making up my own mind over your father. It sounds like you have built a successful relationship up with him and that you want to continue with that.

what do you want?

Just my opinion, and worth what you pay me for it -
He is your Dad, and thinking about the relationship (28 years ago) between a 15 year old and a what - 16? 17? year old, to find out a baby was on the way, and all that entailed, I can quite see why they may well parted ways, and it being acrimonious on one or both sides.
If you want to see him, go and see him. Talk to him - if it does turn out he isn't a "nice man" then you will at least know it, and have made up your own mind, and you can ask him for his side of the events.
I don't think your abu at all - you just want to know who you are so to speak, there is nothing wrong with that at all. Even if your parents loathe each other, they are each your parent and hopefully love you regardless!

You certainly aren't being disloyal to your Mum. Your link to this man is far more important than hers now, and you have to judge him on what you know of him when you see and talk to him.

It's definitely not strange to want a relationship with him, he's your Dad!

If your children are going to see both grandparents then I think you have to tell your Mum, but when you do, be confident in your choice and don't get drawn into discussion about it with her. Just tell her the choice you have made and tell her that you are not prepared to listen to any negativity about it.

If you have no memory and two different stories, you just need to find out for yourself, because even if all of it is true this was over 20 years ago and they where so very young.

If you want to pursue a relationship with your Dad that's all that matters. You can't leave yourself unhappy to please your Mum. You don't have to make a big thing of it. If she asks just tell her that yes, you're in contact with him and leave it at that. But I agree it may be an idea to gain access to your SS file.

I second all that. Give yourself a chance to know your dad and your half-siblings.

My daughter's dad was violent to me and hopeless with children but they get on great now that she is an adult and she is the better off for having that relationship.

Make your own mind up after spending time with your dad and as with any new relationships put some boundaries up to protect yourself.

You don't owe any loyalty to your mother as she first abandoned you as a baby & then overlooked you in favour of her new husband & son. She has also been nasty to you in the past so dont sacrifice your happiness in favour of yours.

Maybe go for some counselling to help you work through all the painful issues that you have to deal with.

thanks guys.how do i access ss files?just literally ask them for it?

I don't know. Does google turn anything up? Bumping in case anyone knows.

Hedge trimmer - yes pretty much!! If you know where in the country social services were involved then ring them and ask the procedure. You normally have to submit requests in writing but they will give you more info

I have contacted the social services here i was born and they have passed it on to the people who deal with that stuff so ingers crossed,i will find something out.

THanks for all the advice,its been really helpful.

You will just have to take both of them as you find them now and keep an open mind. They will both have their own version of events of what happened and will now believe their own version and their own interpretation.