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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to shelter DS from this? (Too close to tell).

33 replies

TheOrchardKeeper · 21/05/2014 07:09

Looooong story. Have posted about DS's dad before. DS is now 3 and a half.

His dad lived nearby for the first 2yrs of his life but moved to Cornwall (2-3hrs away by car) with his family in December. Contact has become very sporadic since and until this weekend he hadn't seen DS in 2 1/2 months (partly due to stress from the job resulting in a bit of time off).

He didn't want DS (unplanned) but I left the door open contact wise and things got better once he turned 2. He had him once a fortnight for almost a year until he moved.

DS went down there this last weekend for 2 nights and came back monday. I know kids often play up after contact and DS is no exception but he was awful. He'd been sick in the car so was shouted at a lot for that (so he was very upset when he came in). Then he was like a different child altogether in the morning. It wasn't just bad behaviour though, it seemed like he was quite unsettled but I had anticipated it.

Then he played up after nursery and was a nightmare to get to bed. I talked to him about the weekend as casually as I could to just make sure nothing had happened and as far as I can tell, besides being very shouty and his cousin being 'rough' it went ok. His dad has hit him before and DS has told me so I think he'd be able to tell me if anyone really hurt/upset him. After nursery yesterday I was pulled aside when I picked him up to be told that he'd been hitting lots of other kids, kicking, playing up, saying no to everything and all the rest. They told me because they thought something must have happened at the weekend as he's normally the total opposite and 'has never ben so bad'. So that was embarassing to say the least Blush

I just feel really bad for DS and don't know what to do. He's much better this morning thankfully. But his dad moving away shook everything up and now contact is all over the place and will continue to be so. His dad comes up here for work so I was thinking of saying maybe just visit him here for the day/take him out sort of thing. If you do have him at yours make it more consistent and just for one night at a time as you never see him more than twice a month and it's too much in one go for him, at this age anyway. AIBU?

It was just so upsetting and difficult to deal with that afterwards and he seemed really upset/angry when he came back.

I don't think his dad will be that bothered himself as he didn't ask after him once in the 2 1/2 months he didn't see him Hmm

I don't know Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 21/05/2014 07:11

*been not Ben...

I hope he wasn't so bad he turned into another child altogether Hmm [brin]

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Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 21/05/2014 07:11

*Grin

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Longtalljosie · 21/05/2014 07:19

It's quite possible he's imitating his (older?) rougher cousin but that happens and would have happened even if you and your ex had stayed together. I appreciate you wouldn't be in this position if your ex wasn't in your life but having an active father is an important thing, and I'm afraid you're going to have to take the smooth with the rough.

Is there any way you and your ex can have a sensible conversation about how to deal with this?

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 21/05/2014 07:21

His cousin is a month younger than him. Just the one.

I can't talk to ex about it last thread about it

He just gets realy defensive and shuts it down, which is why I haven't spoken to him about it yet.

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Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 21/05/2014 07:23

I think the thing that caused most of the upset was that DS spent 2 1/2 months with just me, with no contact/calls/skype or anything from his dad, then suddenly spent a whole weekend away. It didn't used to be that bad behaviour wise after. Just a little more difficult than usual.

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43percentburnt · 21/05/2014 07:30

You mentioned his dad had previously hit him. In what context? Does your ds remember this? Did he want to go to his dads? Or is he angry that he had to go? I'm wondering if being shouted at in the car for being sick has upset him, it would have devastated my daughter at that age/any age.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 21/05/2014 07:35

I was very Hmm that he got shouted at. They gave him sweet food in a hot car so I thought it was wrong to shout at him for something he couldn't help. Who likes being sick? But I just left it at the time as it would've caused an argument and DS was there.

His dad and his family all hit (light smack on the legs or bum) their children instead of using things like the naughty step etc. Always have. I have told his dad I really don't agree with it, think it's just humiliating and missed the point of teaching them why they shouldn't do things and that it makes DS's behaviour ten times worse, which he's almost stopped doing now as far as I can tell.

It's hard because I can't just stop contact and it is his dad but this is far from ideal either. Very much so since he moved so much further away.

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FiveExclamations · 21/05/2014 07:36

Thing two things that jump out at me are:

"His dad has hit him before and DS has told me..." (I did Shock at that), and "He'd been sick in the car so was shouted at a lot for that (so he was very upset when he came in)."

Does your ex know that your son would tell you if he hit him again?

Does he shout at him a lot?

If your Ex is angry with your son a lot, could your son be on eggshells around him, desperate to please and then acting out his frustrations when he gets home? A weekend and a long journey is a very long time for a 3yr old to "behave" especially if he's trying to meet inconsistent and perhaps unfair expectations. Kids are sometimes sick in cars, especially if they are too anxious to tell their parent that they're not feeling well.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 21/05/2014 07:38

His dad did hit him for hitting his cousin for a while, until DS told me and I spoke to him about it. I tried to explain that hitting a toddler for hitting others is just pointless...

He was shocked DS told me. I think he thought it wouldn't get back to me or something. Nevermind.

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Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 21/05/2014 07:43

As far as I can tell, his dad does really struggle with him and being patient. (Everyone knows you need a lot of that with a toddler Grin Hmm ). He does get very shouty and uses shouting as a form of discipline. He told me that in a 'proud' sort of way a couple of times, saying that when DS had done XYZ he just shouted at him really loudly and he stopped.

It's at the very least confusing for DS because I don't really shout much and if he's naughty he just gets however long on the naughty step and then we have a quick chat, he gets told why it was naughty and we forget about it. This works very well for DS and I've told his dad about it but every parent is different of course. Just frustrating.

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Beavie · 21/05/2014 07:44

Jesus. What kind of arsehole shouts at their kid for being sick?

It would break my heart to let him go to visit his dad, if I were you. You must be worried about him the whole time he's gone.

Problem is, if he wants to take it to court, he will get contact because that's how it works. I would definitely push for him just taking him out for the day while he's in your area.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 21/05/2014 07:46

I called his dad on Saturday to ask atfer DS and asked how he was finding it in passing. He did say he was finding it very stressful, though he did have 3 family members helping. I think he expects a bit much of DS sometimes and forgets he's only 3. He is going to be naughty a few times during the visit. That's just kids!

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Ledkr · 21/05/2014 07:50

Yes I would try to keep it shorter if possible, poor little thing, my dd is 3 and we never shout at her so if anyone else did she would be devastated.

They sound quite brash tbh, can you just kind of avoid overnighters?

My x sounds the same re contact, very erratic and patchy, one of the benefits being that he can't say a lot when I tweak it.

I really feel for you and your little one.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 21/05/2014 07:50

I do worry about DS the whole time he's there Sad

Mostly about him smoking around him, shouting at him and worrying that he'll lose his cool with him/hit him.

I just want to make sure I'm not responsible for damaging their relationship but also that DS is actually happy and secure. DS seems to like seeing him in short bursts. He's just been very tricky since his dad moved.

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mummytime · 21/05/2014 07:58

I would keep a diary. I think a weekend of contact with Dad having had no contact at all for 2 1/2 months was too much.
I am also really really unhappy about his shouting at a child for being sick - if it was shouting not just being grumpy (which my children would sometimes call shouting).
Could you see if Nursery have kept a written record about the change in behaviour in your son this week? Maybe if it happens again, take your son to the GP.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 21/05/2014 08:02

Thing is, because he's moved so far it's 'too much effort' for him to only have DS for one night because of the drive there and back.

But they all chose to move and knew it might make things tricky. They didn't have to, they just wanted to. Which is fine but it's not DS's fault is it.

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Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 21/05/2014 08:02

(So he either has him the whole weekend, fri night til sunday day, or not at all).

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Nanny0gg · 21/05/2014 08:28

I read these threads and I find them terribly upsetting (not your fault TheOrchardKeeper!)

When parents behave like this, and the child is distressed/disturbed, please explain to me exactly why it is important that they have a relationship with that parent? What good are they actually getting out of it?

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 21/05/2014 08:35

I think he does it out of guilt and pressure from his mum more than out of love for DS. I'd never repeat that to DS and hope he never feels like that himself but he's just never been very concerned about how DS feels or how his actions might affect DS. He cares about him in his own way but has never been very 'warm' to him etc. His mum likes to see DS and is often the driving force behind visits.

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Ledkr · 21/05/2014 08:37

I agree nanny it's awful. I wouldn't expect my three year old to stay with my mum regularly for that long. She'd miss us and her siblings and home.
It's very important to maintain contact of course but not if it's unhappy contact.
It sounds as if the dad here is just not used to toddlers, I find mine exasperating at times so does her father and I'm an experienced mother of five. They are hard work at that age, maybe too much for him.

Ledkr · 21/05/2014 08:39

Can you speak to his mum about it? Get her on side, tell her he's finding it hard and can she try and soften things for a bit.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 21/05/2014 08:41

I think that is a little of the case Ledkr

He always says how stressful he finds him after every visit, despite saying he was pretty good (as toddlers go I'm very lucky!) and he did like seeing him.

But he doesn't really know him IYSWIM? In the way that you sort of get to know a certain toddler's tantrum-triggers, best diffusing techniques etc. So I imagine it's extra stressful for him in that respect.

But I've never really put pressure on him to have contact anyway. Just left the door open.

I'll try ringing him later to have a chat but I don't have high hopes Hmm Grin

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Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 21/05/2014 08:46

Oh nooooo. Me and his mum don't really get along beside civilness. And that took a lot of work.

She tried to talk me into an abortion several times, then went no contact until a while after DS was born and bad-mouths me/my parenting skills a lot to ex's friends some of whom I'm also friends with so have heard it back that way . Her son can do no wrong either so I don't see it helping/her listening. And I'm too soft with DS apparantly (DS told me 'grandma' had hit him on a few occasions as well as his dad so I get the feeling her idea of not being soft isn't the same as mine anyway).

I might try it as a last resort though later down the line.

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TheABC · 21/05/2014 08:52

Push for the one day visits. Another option may be to arrange a "holiday" visit, with you and DS both going down and then DS spending smaller chunks of time with his father (say each afternoon). It may also give you both a chance to work on issues such as shouting, etc. After all, your DS is growing rapidly and there will come a time in the future when shouting and light smacks will be ignored. What then? Harder smacks? It's not a route I would want to travel down.

In the week, is Skype a possibility? We do this successfully for DS and his Cornish grandparents.

TheABC · 21/05/2014 08:54

The grandmother sounds delightful, BTW. But then again, she has no parental rights, thankfully.