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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can an affair ever be a good thing?

21 replies

Moralityissue · 19/05/2014 23:06

Ok first off this isn't about me.. Happily married blah blah.

I have a friend, let's call her Mary.. Mary had had a truly shit life, got with Tony when she was 13 and has never known any other type of life.. Now has 5 children with him aged between 18 and 6..

Tony is a wanker, a complete and utter wanker, I detest the man - he's emotionally and physically abusive, he threatens to kill her daily, has cheated on her with a 17 year old and absolutely hates her having any friends (he really likes me!! Not)

Anyway.. I've been Mary's friend for 4 years, in that time she's kicked him out twice and fell for the take me back story she freely admits she wants him to go and just hopes that one day he will piss off with someone else and leave her in peace.. But she's petrified of him.

Mary told me tonight that she's been flirting with a guy from her office.. (Oh as a side note wanker doesn't work and refuses to help with childcare) she doesn't think it's going anywhere but just seeing that SPARK, that tiny little spark in her? It's amazing.. She has someone telling her she's pretty (she is) and how she shouldn't put up with him (she shouldn't).. I'm laying here in bed and thinking actually this isn't a bad thing.. Obviously the risk would be he would find out but it's limited to work, no phone contact etc..

I've always been against cheating.. But I find myself desperately hoping that this gives her the confidence to realise that she can be happy and can be attractive etc.

I've tried women's aid btw, and the police are aware etc so it's being monitored.. But it's been that way for years.. I just want her out of it, her and her beautiful children deserve to be happy :(

So AIBU in that sometimes actually an affair (abeit an emotional one) can sometimes be a good thing?

OP posts:

Argan · 19/05/2014 23:10

I think based on what you have said that an affair would be a good thing.

DenzelWashington · 19/05/2014 23:11

Unless he's another Tony with a keen eye for a vulnerable woman...

It's high risk. Mary is in a mess, not a good place from which to start a relationship. If Tony finds out he'll guilt his way back in forever. It is a welcome distraction but doesn't solve anything. Mary may think it will help her get through, but really it will be something that's keeping her where she is, instead of moving on. Possibly.

RedSoloCup · 19/05/2014 23:12

Yes I agree sometimes it can be, you can't do anymore than be a really good friend to her and hope maybe this will give her the courage she needs to kick the wanker out for good!! #leavethebastard....

Original poster

Moralityissue · 19/05/2014 23:17

I don't think it will progress to actual sexual relationship tbh.. She had her whereabouts monitored to frequently for that (for example she leaves for the school run 10 minutes early every day so we can catch up because if he knew she was talking to me (particularly me as he hates me but any friend really) he would kick off.

It's more the potential.. The fact that she's starting to view herself as a woman again, not just a mother and not wankers doormat.

Honestly she's the most amazing person - she just needs a chance to get free.

OP posts:

DigitConfusion2 · 19/05/2014 23:20

Mary should enjoy the compliments and a little bit of flirting but no further involvement as it will fuck up her head even more voice of experience

She should out that energy and those feelings into forming a plan to leave Tony.

DigitConfusion2 · 19/05/2014 23:21

Holy moly did not mean to bold there, sorry!

Catflap1 · 20/05/2014 07:34

I always thought no untily friend started an affair!

She was in a similar situation to Mary, she got a job 2 years ago and started an affair with her boss, the change in her is amazing she is happier, lost weight, overcome her depression and anxiety, she is currently in the process of leaving her marriage with her children and should be m

Catflap1 · 20/05/2014 07:37

(Posted to early)

And should be moved out within the month! She is not leaving for her boss, there will never be a relationship there he has made it clear he is unwilling to leave his wife because in his culture he would lose everything!

She is leaving for herself!!! Because finally after 10 years she has found the strength and confidence to stand up for herself!

harriet247 · 20/05/2014 07:39

I think she needs to love herself more, goi g theough your life waiting for validation and approval from men is never going to work out well.
Easier said than done though.

ExcuseTypos · 20/05/2014 07:59

I do hope she manages to leave her H. Maybe someone giving her attention and building her confidence will do the trick? I hope so.

Fairenuff · 20/05/2014 08:04

The OM doesn't know anything about her relationship, other than what she tells him. For all he knows she could be making it all up and her partner could be a lovely, caring SAHD. So it's my guess that he is only in it for himself. She would do better to steer away from both of them.

Celestria · 20/05/2014 08:07

I'd say it's a good thing. It was for me. I never had an affair but I got a job and met someone who made me see I was worth something. I didn't get together with him, but found the strength to leave my marriage. Three years later I'm now with someone who makes me feel special, supports me and wants the best for me.

Celestria · 20/05/2014 08:08

Oh and I have 4dc, I know how scary it is to go it alone when you have spent years being out down and told you are a useless mother etc. she can do it, sometimes you just need something to happen to wake up as such.

MrsLion · 20/05/2014 08:19

In this particular instance, I do actually think an affair with the colleague would open Mary's eyes to the realisation that her DH is a tosser and she could have a much, much happier life with someone else. Whether it's colleague or not.
She may never, ever find out if she doesn't cross a few lines.
So it may not be such a bad thing.

gordyslovesheep · 20/05/2014 08:21

She doesn't need another man to rescue her, she needs to get out and be alone for a bit

It's very risky for her, he will not react well if he finds out will he :(

She deserves to be loved and happy but she needs to breath and learn to be on her own first

littlemslazybones · 20/05/2014 08:23

Anything that crowbars space between Mary and Tony is a good thing.

jay55 · 20/05/2014 10:13

If Tony found out, or suspected then Mary could find herself far far worse off.

However I don't entirely see this one as an affair, given Tony is not a partner more like her keeper.

Original poster

Moralityissue · 20/05/2014 18:46

Thanks for all the replies.. I genuinely don't see Mary jumping into another relationship tbh, she's absolutely fine on her own, but she seems to think it will be harder to leave him (in previous instances he has harassed her family, friends and work colleagues, threatened her in front of the children, tried to take the children 'to teach her a lesson' and reported her for benefit fraud (see what I mean.. Wanker!!) whereas when she is with him.. Yes she gets a slap (these are her words not mine), and he can be a nasty piece of work but as long as she 'puts out' then he pretty much does his own thing..

I think she's given up.. She told me she fantasises that he will be killed or hit by a car etc. His or her death is the only way she sees she can be free.

I'm just hoping that this 'relationship' with Fred might make her value herself more, if only to have a brief moment every day where she isn't worried about homelife.

OP posts:

meditrina · 20/05/2014 18:52

I thinkit would be seriously crap for Mary because

a) it might lead to her putting up with a marriage for longer than she should
b) if she is discovered, she will be the 'bad guy'

From the outsider's perspective, she needs to decide if she wants to end her marriage. And then if she does, she can take stock of her life and move on to a new relationship if she wants. If she's going to stick wit her marriage, then she should do so without a third party prop.

If this is a wake up call, and it leads to her re-evaluating her marriage and havng the energy to deal with it, then a brief crush will have done her good. But if it leads to an affair, I think she will make her life more complicated and no happier.

WonderingAllowed · 20/05/2014 19:03

Affairs are never a good thing when children are involved. The fantasy, if she does not see it through, may make her see that she can have a different life rather than living in fear though.

Mary needs to get rid of Tony (with all the help that she can get from outside agencies) and make sure she and her children are safe before she starts another relationship. I am sure the fallout, if she does have an affair and Tony discovers it, would really not be worth it.

Maybe she should consider the effect on her DC of growing up in an abusive household as that should be her first priority and should come before her own needs. Getting them out of that situation and being free herself would probably make her 'value herself more' than getting involved with another man.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/05/2014 19:14

What Digit said... that energy and sparkle can be a power tool to make you get up and go. She should use it but not idle in getting away.

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