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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish my DD had better friends?

11 replies

sillystring · 19/05/2014 16:11

NC'd for this because DD sometimes noodles around on my laptop.

She's 17 and has just left school. She has a group of 4/5 friends from school who just seem to be totally flaky and unreliable. Every time she tries to make an arrangement with them it gets cancelled or the numbers deplete till it's pointless going ahead with it.

The others seem to be immature compared to DD. They're always "falling out" over nonsense and refusing to participate in things "if she's going to be there" referring to one of the other girls.

I just feel so sorry for her. She's kind of like the constant "voice of reason" in the group but she really needs to be with people who are fun, not constantly bickering and spoiling things for each other.

I don't really know what I want from Mumsnet, or what sort of advice you could give me. Maybe I just need to know that others have had this experience and come out of it on top?

She has a part time job at the moment and is currently applying for full time ones. I'm hoping when she gets a job she'll become more involved socially with her workmates and hopefully have a better friendship group.

Thanks for listening and any advice or success stories would be welcome.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 19/05/2014 16:22

My dd is 19 and has had similar friends by the sounds of it.

Original poster

sillystring · 19/05/2014 16:24

Did things get better for her Cat? I sure hope they did/do.

OP posts:

mistymeanour · 19/05/2014 16:29

This was the same for my eldest - it really used to upset her. She started to keep busy doing other things - went back to trampolining, gym, running, voluntary work (for her cv) coming out with us (!) etc. It seemed to help andshe made a new set of friends a year later at uni who were a lot less unrelaible and flaky.

Does your DD have any interests she could pursue more ?

YouTheCat · 19/05/2014 16:32

Not better yet, sillystring, but I'm working on it with her - encouraging her to do some volunteering and get a job etc.

Original poster

sillystring · 19/05/2014 16:36

Thanks guys. She currently has her part time job, does volunteering and attends a fitness class (none of which involve the flaky 5). She started going to a different fitness class with 2 of the girls but needless to say, by the second week it had fallen apart.

We're lucky in that we have family friends with DCs the same age as DD and she gets on brilliant with them when we arrange to meet up at weekends, I just wish she would have the confidence to spend time with them "without us" IYSWIM.

She's not totally without other friends but they live a fair bit away from us. She's starting driving lessons this week so hopefully once she can drive her horizons will broaden.

OP posts:

MarathonFan · 19/05/2014 16:41

I had exactly this when i was a teenager and I'm still known as "the reliable one" even though I'm no longer friends with thone girls

I think there are two kinds of friends, ones it's fun to know as part of a group and ones you can be closer to who won't let you down. You only need one or two of the second sort and the others are also valuable for what they bring into your life

Original poster

sillystring · 19/05/2014 16:45

Thanks MarathonFan. You make a lot of sense.

OP posts:

Sandthorn · 19/05/2014 16:52

It's sad for her, but I guess people do just grow up at different times. You don't say how she feels about this group, so I guess it's possible she quite likes the role she's assumed in the group, and that's fair enough. But I think you're right about the job... She'll soon remember how much more rewarding it is to be a friend among equals. Let her get there in her own time, and just continue to be her voice of Eason when she needs it.

Sandthorn · 19/05/2014 16:52

Reason... Not Eason!

revolutionarytoad · 19/05/2014 19:20

Sounds like the perfect time to learn when enough is enough. She doesn't have to be friends with them. The obligation is there in her mind but doesn't have to be. She deserves better, and she's 17, so she'll have loads of opportunities to meet great people coming soon over and over again.

FWIW I always had lots of friends through school. Most of them I didn't click with, but hung out with just because.....of habit? Feeling like I had to? I don't know. I'd have a best friend who I was very close to, and the rest would be people to do stuff with at breaks and after school and in holidays who I had nothing in common with- but really absolutely nothing. Now I'm at uni and I have far far fewer friends, and that suits me much better. Have lots of acquaintances which is nice too.
The people I do see, I like very much. Nothing wrong with being picky. Also nothing wrong with actively seeking out new people to be friends with.

MaryWestmacott · 19/05/2014 19:28

If it helps, most people I know aren't still friends with the people thy went to school with, I'm sure as she moves on, gets a full time job or goes on to other studies, she'll make new friends, and as they move on to next stages, her flaky friends will do the same.

Plus between 16-19, a lot of people do a massive amount of growing up and changing, it could well be your dd is the only sensible one now, but in 12 months time, they are all a lot more grown up.

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