To be angry with my mother over her attitude towards lies she has told me

[theworkofsatan]

I have previously posted about my mother but I need to know if I am being unreasonable now before I speak to her.

I'm getting married and I lost my short form birth certificate (which is the only birth certificate I have ever seen), so I ordered a copy from the GRO.

It arrived on Friday and I thought it was a bit strange that my birth was not registered for four years after my date of birth. There was also a note on the certificate that said that the certificate had been issued upon the order of the registrar, which again was a bit strange.

So I messaged my mum about it and she told me that she and my dad (who died when I was 13) were never married and that she was not prepared to talk about it on the phone. She said it was complicated and that they were not together when I was born. She said I would have to wait until July (when she comes over from Spain - she lives there).

As far as I knew my parents were married. She said they were married and she had his last name.

I don't know why this has upset me so much but I think it's a combination of the lying (for 40 years), or whether it's because she is so bloody judgemental about me and my life. Every time I see her she criticises me and my choices in life, my parenting skills etc.

I have now had two days to think about this and I am feeling quite cross about the whole thing. Am I overreacting?

If it was as simple as that they never married then why all of the cloak and dagger and her messaging me that it's "complicated".

Because they would have had to convince the registrar that they were married in order to get a BC for you that made you (and your DB) appear "legitimate"?

It is a criminal offence to give a false declaration.

My DM found out when applying for her first passport that her date of birth and her middle name were completely different to what she'd been told. The GPs are completely unrepentant about it, sort of blaming DM for ever have believing it (because of course you shouldn't believe what your parents tell you when you're a child ). They've never apologised or explained why. Would make sense if they hadn't been married but we found out they married the month before DM's older brother was born (though they still insist its 13 months before ). I've come to the conclusion that just because you are related to people doesn't mean they aren't complete fruit loops!

I have my father's surname. As to the signatures on the certificate, I have no idea but they are identical signatures. You can clearly see that the same person has signed for both informants and it's my mother's handwriting. I have seen that signature a million times before she got married to my step-dad when I was 18. Obviously her signature is different now.

Well if she was a married woman (or appeared to be) she could have registered (or re-registered) the birth alone.

We had a similar situation with my granny and loads of claim and dagger stuff and her brother having his dad's name as a middle name and the surname of grannies DM 1ST husband. Turns out he was abusive and she left but he wouldn't divorce her as Catholic. Grannie thought her parents were married and was adamant. Turns out they got married the year after she married my grandad the year her 1st husband died and she had had 2 kids in the 1920s out of wedlock. It could be anything really

I can't think of an explanation that doesn't involve your mum presenting a marriage certificate to the registrar OP

Has that always been the case?

Yes Maryz

satan if you have strong nerves and really want to know, I would shell out for online access to the archives of The Times and or The Mirror, and search for 'bigamy' 'dad's name'. Unless they spent time abroad in early 70s and may have presented some kind of foreign marriage cert?

Sorry you are having this drama and suspense

You could just check for a copy of their marriage certificate at the GRO?

I was adopted by my father, I have an adoption certificate but I also have a re-issued birth certificate with new father on it. It was issued 11 years after birth.

You could just check for a copy of their marriage certificate at the GRO?

You think OP's DM might prefer to claim never to have been married than admit she married post-74?

Or that a bigamous marriage exists that was never discovered by the authorities?

Poor thing OP. It's a weird one.

She says that they were never married but I suppose it is possible that she pretended that they were in order to sign both parts of the birth certificate without him being there.

The problem with all of this is that you start to question everything. I never saw wedding photos, I never thought about asking for some reason. There are hardly any photos of my parents together. There is a couple from a trip to the zoo but that's about it.

My mum has hardly any photos of my brother. She has more of me and he is definitely the favourite so that is also a bit strange.

By the time she gets around to telling me I will have imagined the worst possible scenarios in my head. I haven't even got anyone else that I can ask. My dad is dead and my brother is younger than me. I did have a half brother (dad's son) but he died two years ago. After my dad passed away I never saw anyone from his side of the family again.

Just wanted to mention that it wasn't the treatment of unmarried mothers that was the problem in those days, but the discrimination against their children.

Please don't assume that all these lies were necessarily told to protect themselves, they were most likely to protect the children.

The attitude to "bastards" when I was young was horrendous, as if they were responsible for the conduct of their parents, that was one of the many things I liked about Mexico when I first came here, people might disapprove of the mother, but never of the child.

I was thinking that if there is no marriage certificate then at least that bit of the story is true and if there is one then I might shed some more light e.g. if the dates don't match up.

I don't understand why you can't get a copy of the original certificate.. a re reg is added to the book not replaced. Your original certificate will still be in that book the year you were born, they don't rip them out. Surely there must be a way to get a look at it?

This kind of thing was incredibly common in the relatively recent past. In fact the short form birth certificate was introduced in the aftermath of the second world war specifically as a way to allow people to obscure their children's origins and spare them the perceived shame of being born out of marriage, adopted, raised by a man who wasn't their father.

Given the social pressure on your mother at the time, try not to judge her too harshly.

As for the most judgemental people being the ones with skeletons in the closet, could that be some kind of syndrome, like Hitler having a Jewish grandfather, or the children of immigrants being ardently ant-immigration?

I was thinking that if there is no marriage certificate then at least that bit of the story is true and if there is one then I might shed some more light e.g. if the dates don't match up.

Yes I see that. Trouble is; no marriage registration could also mean bigamous mariage later discovered and deleted from the record?

By the time she gets around to telling me I will have imagined the worst possible scenarios in my head. I haven't even got anyone else that I can ask.

Maybe you'll feel better for doing your own dig in the records regardless of what she says?

I work at a solicitors in the private client department so I have access to private detective agencies and tracing agents so I might instruct one of those to do some digging around. I only wanted my birth certificate to get married and now all I can think about is this.