childrens personalities - nature or nurture?

[geniusloci]

How much of a childs personality is inherited and how much is shaped by thier environment? Im interested in your opinions, especially lone parents - how much of the absent parent do you see in your child?

The reason I ask is a very good friend of mine has an 18 month old, whose abusive, vile, controlling dad fecked off when he was 2 months old. Frankly she is better off without him. Now, her ds is lovely in many ways, however he has a hell of a temper and she is worried he will take after his dad. Dont know if this is relevant but she has an older child - different dad - who is lovely and a credit to her parenting.

Ao AIBU in telling her a childs personality is shaped by nurture and not so much nature and that her 18 mo will be fine once he can communicate better?

i am off to walk the dogs but Im interested in your thoughts, thankyou.

Nature 99% I believe.

Innate temperament - nature I think. Before having my son I was v much of the nurture view, but having him has definitely changed my view point.

However - how we behave and use our natural personalities is parenting and nurture. So for a child who is quick to anger, if nurtured well, can be taught to channel that anger into motivation.

It's a combination of nature and nurture but it's true to say that all creatures adapt their behaviour continually in response to the responses their actions elicit from their environment.

If the boy's temper gets him his own way, he'll grow up like his dad.

If it gets him ignored, he won't.

I also agree with 'nature'.

I don't think personality is shaped by nurture at all. What nurture can do though is help direct and love that personality in positive ways.

I have a very extrovert child and a very introvert child. I try and help the extrovert tone it down, and the introvert to er get out there a bit more.

Nature 99% as all if my 4 were different from day 1.

However the 1% you have left is vital to mould, teach, and positively shape what nature have you.

Most 18 months have a hell of a temper from time to time but it's up to your friend to teach her child strategies and self control as he gets older.

Another one for nature here. My DS saw very little of his bio father, in fact they didn't see each other at all until DS was 11 yrs old, then occasionally until he was 14, followed by a handful of times when DS was 18, yet DS takes after his bio father in his personality. The likeness between DS and his father is uncanny.
Even people who'd never met his bio father knew they were father and son after spending less than an hour with bio father.

Nature I'm afraid.

Yes, agree with PP - 18 mths old babies are (ime) quite bad tempered anyway!

The basics are innate. But how we learn to behave is nurture. So, her 18mo maybe will always be quicker to 'react' to things than her other child, but he can also be taught to deal with his emotions, to find outlets for anger, to see the need to sincerely apologise and put things right if and when he does lose his temper.

The important thing is for her not to 'give up' on expecting him to behave well, or to 'tar him with the same crush' as his father just because she sees the similarities.

If she's already raised one pleasant child, then she's capable of raising this one to be that as well, though she may have to adapt - but that's normal from one child to another, even if they have the same father they are each their own person.

brush, even...

I think its both. There have been loads of identical twin studies. Life events, circumstances and environment/parenting add to nature to make us what we are.

My adopted cousin used to aways get comments about how like his (adopoted) dad he is - physically and in character. Even from people who didn't know that he was adopted.

Our founding memories & those that shape our first neural pathways are pre verbal & therefore memories we can't access consciously. There is a theory that some of it is inherited & some v early. (explains why I am so v different from my twin). You can change it & it takes conscious effort. You friend might want to read about it

I think we are all born with a personality already there. Nurture can have a massive effect on how that develops though. In the example you have given of your friend, I would suggest her DS was born with a temper. However if she can help him learn the skills he needs to control it, there is no reason that he should grow up like his Dad.

I would like to think it's nuture as DS (1) is the happiest, friendliest, most easy going and charismatic child I have ever met. I'd quite like to take credit for raising a child who everyone, including complete strangers, is drawn to. Sadly I can't. It's just in his nature. He's like my dad reincarnate. In appearance, attitude, likes, dislikes and even the expressions he pulls.

There are so many elements, although I think children are born with their temperament I don't believe it is inherited because so many different genes are involved.
Environmental factors play a much, much greater role in developing a child's personality. Things like where he lives, position in family, food, sleep, exercise, all affect a child and everyday role models will have a far bigger influence than any genetic input.
The biggest problem will be if his mum keeps saying or thinking 'he's just like his dad' and writes him off, not 'he's a unique little person with his own personality that I can help shape'

A complete slippery mixture.

I say that as the mother of twins, so my own personal controlled experiment .

I think that 18 months is far too soon to worry that a child is going to grow up to be an abusive bastard.

I believe that both nature and nuture have a role in a child's personality. I believe that people with learning difficulties, autism spectrum disorders are over represented in prisions. This link suggests that between 21% and 45% of prisoners have ADHD.

adultaddstrengths.com/2011/01/12/adhd-and-crime-ignore-now-jail-later-15-clinical-studies/

However its not a foregone conclusion that a chidl with ADHD will grow up to be a criminal. (18 months is far to soon to diagnose ADHD before anyone comments.)

Prehaps your friend should attend a parenting course if she has a challenging child. Maybe it would help her to talk to her health visitor to find out if her child's temper tantrums are in a normal range. Sometimes conditions like glue ear can cause frustration.

Innate temperament is mostly nature IMO. But how we are taught to handle that temperament is nurture. So, for example, her younger DC might always be more emotionally volatile than her older DC, but if he's given the words to talk about how he feels and strategies to cope with his emotions in a non-violent way then there's no reason that he needs to be anything like his father as an adult.

nature on personalities, my 2 are sooo different, my youngest just came out wanting to run, my son is a sloth.
But i am hoping i can layer morals and reasonable beliefs onto that.

I think its 50/50 to be honest. Maybe more in an individual but overall average half and half.

I was raised by my grandparents and my sister was raised by my parents, she has all the products of their bad nature and their bad nurture (no idea why social services seen them fit to keep her but not me) and its a bit like history repeating itself with her and her little boy and the social services involvement, whereas I was raised by my grandparents and on the grand scheme of things I would like to think I am fairly balanced most of the time and learned most of my behaviour and personality from them but sometimes if I catch myself I have a temper just like my father and the deception ability of my mother.

I was raised to know that this was not acceptable though and was some of the reason why I was taken away but sometimes, just sometimes I do have to stop myself from a full on firecracker moment

I think mostly nature. My ds is really shy, anxious and doesn't like talking to grown ups - even grandparents. My dd on the other hand is really outgoing, cheeky and is happy to talk to anyone. They've both been raised the same way but they're just different personalities. Even from a very young age dd would babble loads and generally just seemed more happy. Ds has always been clingy and hard to settle.

Okay, thanks for the responses. The first few were getting me worried in that IWBU in the advise i had given to her. I agree with the posters who say she is in danger of tarring him with the same brush as his dad, saying he is just like his dad etc. Good advise about chanelling his personality traits in to something positive.

temperament is nature but how it develops is down to nurture, you can not change a personality but you can channel traits in right direction i would say about 80% nature 20% nurture

most traits have a good and bad side a very placid child could become people pleaser door mat but also easy going and flexible at taking rough with smooth

child with tendency to volatile temper can channel it in right direction to be independent and go-getter or if not channelled positively a bit of a brat

but you can not make a shy child an extrovert, or make the naturally cautious child suddenly want to be mountaineer or make the child with natural ability for maths into something else

I have 3 boys and they have very, very different personalities. Me and my husband have very different personalities and I can see the opposite extremes in 2 of my boys. One is totally laid back and the other has been independent and stroppy since he was a tiny baby. Knowing what kind of personality they have means I can respond to them differently - what works for one doesn't work for the other.

If your friend responds in a sympathetic and caring way to her toddler then he will learn how to cope with his emotions much better than her ex.

It’s a complex interaction of both IMO.

Obviously there are innate characteristics but how DC developed depends on their place in the family, how their behaviour is managed, who they are around and loads of other stuff.

I have a temper as does DH especially when frustrated- it's the flip side to us being driven and persistent and wanting to do things well - which has served us well in life and education.

Our DC are well behaved generally and very well behaved at school. However temper tantrums happened early, when on a lot longer than most and still happen in childhood long past other DC.

Other thing is young DC often pick up family emotions - like stress - but don't know how to deal with them so act out. Our DC were like weather vanes at that age and we had stressful shit happening and acted out. It can’t have been easy in your friends family lately and it very possible the younger DC has or is picking this up and doesn’t know how to deal with any of it so acts out.

Please don’t label this DC or encourage your friend to do so. Labels on DC are often a self- fulfilling prophecy.

Plus things can change over time. My DS was the most laid back baby was a normal toddlers unlike his drama queen sister as he’s aged his competiveness has slowly come to the fore and he’s currently the worst for tantrums - mostly when frustrated he can’t do something. One of the worst behaved boys I’ve ever encountered in DD1 year – has morphed over the years into a considerate leader who is very impressivly starting clubs and organising things at school aged 9.