To not be sure whether to get in touch with estranged uncle?

[Topaz25]

My uncle, my dad's younger brother, is estranged from the family following a dispute about money when my grandfather, his father, died 10 years ago. My grandfather lived with my uncle in a house that was purchased with my grandfather's money but put in my uncle's name. My grandfather wanted his money, including from the sale of the house, to be divided equally amongst his children but my uncle kept most of it because the house was in his name. Since then, all of my uncle's siblings have died and he didn’t come to their funerals. I have seen my uncle occasionally after the incident with the money, but not for a few years.

Recently, his ex partner, who I stayed in touch with on Facebook, messaged me to ask if I was in contact with him because she has lost touch with him and is concerned that he doesn't have anyone else. I am not sure whether to get back in touch with him, which would be difficult anyway because I know the town he lives in but I don't know anyone who has his contact details.

On the one hand, he is family, he is one of my few surviving family members on that side (as his ex was quick to point out!) and I would feel guilty if he died alone one day.

On the other hand, I would feel that I was being disloyal to my late father by getting in touch with my uncle and it could also cause problems with my brother. I feel torn.

I am quite frustrated at my uncle's ex TBH for trying to manipulate me into getting in touch with him so she doesn't have to worry about him or feel guilty. I am surprised she is no longer in touch with him, they lived together for several years and he helped raise her daughter, who now doesn't see him either but that's their choice.

I have fond childhood memories of my uncle but I don't really feel anything for him now. I don't hate him but I don't feel obligated towards him because it was his choice to alienate everyone and he has never tried to get in touch, even when I could have done with the emotional support after my dad died.

WWYD?

I don't think he acted like family. I think if you don't choose to act like familly, you can't expect to be treated like family. I wouldn't say you have to do anything because through sheer chance, he happens to be your father's brother.

He screwed them all over. He obviously didn't give a shit about them, or any of you, so why tie yourself in knots over him?

Why cause bad feeling with someone you love and worry about betraying the memory of someone you love, for someone who's shown they don't and never did, give a shit about any of you?

She isn't in touch with him, her daughter isn't in touch with him, if he meant that much to them, they'd have stayed in touch. She's not no right to try to make you feel guilty.

He made his choices. And they had consequences. He was ok with that. Clearly money made him happier than family.

Do whatever you want to do. But you don't owe him anything. Nothing he has done for years - taking money, cutting you all off... - has shown he has even a speck of love for you. Family is not just genes.

That's just my view, anyway.

What Hecate said.

I would just tell manipulative ex that you don't have any way of geting in touch. Whether you then try is up to you but don't let her know she's affected you.

It is a tricky one, if you want to mend bridges that is admirable. Obviously you do risk being hurt - but we all do, every day.

Personally I wouldn't give him or his ex any more head room. No way would I get back in touch.

If he felt alone and needed family then surely he would be trying to contact you himself rather than his ex?

Are you saying that your grandfather's will stipulated that the house should be sold and the proceeds divided or that it was a verbal agreement? I'm just wondering why your grandfather put the house in your uncle's name because this seems a bit of an odd thing to do if it wasn't intended to be a gift. Did your uncle know at the time of the house purchase that on your grandfather's death he would be expected to sell up and basically become homeless? Maybe his version is somewhat different, worth making contact for?

It was a verbal agreement, it would've been easier if he had made a will. I don't know 100% why my grandfather made the decision to put the house in my uncle's name but I think it was probably to avoid the potential of it being sold to pay care home fees, which I know is wrong but he was naive. He loved all of his children and wanted them all to have a fair share, rather than one of them having the majority. My uncle would not have been homeless, he would have had his fair share of the inheritance to use towards accommodation. I do understand the financial situation was complicated but I don't think he handled it well.

My concerns about getting in touch now are less about the money because that is in the past and more about the lack of contact and emotional support from him.

Situations like this are rarely clear cut. Off the top of my head: he could have devoted himself to caring for grandpa, (who told him he could keep the house), and felt his siblings didn't help out; he could have mental health problems; he could be a complete arse, but you might like to get his childhood memories of your dad from him; or he might be an arse about money, but still an interesting, kind person (lots of people are completely warped when it comes to money). You know him, so you may know the truth about what happened in the past, but people are awfully complicated and confusing.

I think you should do what you want without worrying about guilt trips from the ex, but I would err on the side of trying to make some contact (if you have any interest at all), just because once he dies you lose that option.

Sorry X-post

How old is he? Taking on responsibility for someone's final years because there is no one else stepping in could be a huge job, tread warily.

On the other hand if he has no children you might inherit all the money!!

Not sure what I would do.

He's in his early 60s but has health problems. I don't think he has much money now, it wasn't a huge amount and that was a decade ago. I have to say, being expected to care for him because he has no one else does concern me.

Don't worry claraschu you still made some valid points.

H mm. Did he sell the house after your grandfather's death and pocket the money or did he want to continue living in the house but your dad/his siblings forced him to sell? If it's the latter, I'd get back in touch. Did he provide the bulk of the aged care for your grandfather? I can see how he might have reasoned why he was entitled to a larger share if that's the case.

I don't think I would get in contact with him. You've been comfortable with your decision not to be in contact until his ex popped up. He doesn't sound very nice , for lots of reasons.

You can ignore the ex and continue to be comfortable with your decision for no contact :)

mimishimmi He sold the house after my grandfather's death and pocketed the money but I don't know if he felt pressured to sell by his siblings. He did provide the bulk of the care for my grandfather because he lived with him and other siblings didn't live near him. My dad was also ill so would have been unable to care for my grandfather. My aunt argued that my uncle did not care for my grandfather very well but I don't know the truth of that.

*my aunt was my uncle's sister.

The more I think about it, the more I get annoyed with my uncle's ex. She didn't even ask how I was, she was only interested in asking about my uncle. I also think it was insensitive of her to point out that he is my dad's only surviving sibling. I am aware of that. I was at all the funerals.

Assuming you have a good relationship with your brother I think that you need to talk to him about this and the two of you decide what you want to do.

You do not want to gain an uncle and lose a brother.

Good point.

I wonder if ex wants to know where uncle is for reasons of her own, and is hoping you will find him and tell her. I would ignore everything she says.

Only contact uncle if you want to and it suits you, and if you accept the consequences (your brother might be angry, your uncle might seize on the relationship so he can get you to take on a caring responsibility, it would probably open up the family can of worms which could be hurtful, etc etc).

That's a good point. She laid it on pretty thick with "he has no one else" "he's all that's left of your dad's side of the family" but I have no way of knowing if she has an ulterior motive.

If anyone was at fault regarding the money, it was really your grandfather. It was all very well to have said he wanted his money (including the house) divided equally, but, if he did not make a will, the normal rules of intestacy would have applied and if he had already legally given the house to the uncle, the house was no longer part of his estate to have been divided among his other children.

If you would like to get in touch with your uncle, you should. Don't do it because of pressure from the ex, do it only if you want to. Talk to your brother to see how he feels first before pressing ahead.

"he has no one else"

hmmm, and there is usually a reason for this - why not her???? (the ex)

I suspect she has heard that he isn't coping/ has a serious illness/ is needing assistance and is landing it on you to appease her guilt.

If he was just a bit lonely there would be no reason for her not to pop in.