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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is not sufficient grounds to reduce contact?

32 replies

nincompoopascoop · 18/05/2014 23:33

My best friend has a 7 yr old dd who sees her father eow. She's considering stopping him collecting her from school, instead either collecting her later that evening or Saturday morning. Her reasons are that he refuses to do homework/spellings/reading with their dd and by the time dd returns on a Sunday she's too 'attitude filled' (dad has very few rules) to do any of it. Her attainment is suffering as a result as she goes from 10/10 on mums weeks to 2/3 on dads weeks and Mondays are the day an adult listens to them read so dd isn't moving up as she should.

He also won't empty her lunchbox, or encourage her to do so. He leaves it in the car so mum often has congealed food to deal with by Sunday now it's warmer. He regularly 'forgets' things like school shoes, school Sun hat, coat in winter etc.

He says he'll take her to court if she changes contact. I can see why its annoying for her but imo it is petty and not worth going to court over. What do you think?

OP posts:
deakymom · 18/05/2014 23:38

its a bit petty him i mean not her

i mean why should she have to deal with everything is he not weaned yet? does he need potty training? still in pull ups? no? then he can act like a parent on his days and not a self entitled brat needing his ex to wipe up after him

yabu people who are not nrp are still parents and should act accordingly

Original poster
nincompoopascoop · 18/05/2014 23:41

I agree he should deaky, but don't think a judge would agree it's sufficient grounds for reducing contact. But then she's asked him to change, thereby giving him the opportunity to do the right thing, so maybe a judge would sympathise with her efforts?

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 18/05/2014 23:43

Her educational attainment is dropping and you think it's the Mother that's being petty?

If the NRP, isn't parenting (and doing everything he isn't bothering to do, is part if being a parent), then minimal contact will have to take place.

He needs to up his game and start giving a shit about his child's needs.

puntasticusername · 18/05/2014 23:45

I've no experience of the family courts, but what you describe is surely more than just petty? Sending her to school inadequately dressed for the weather is actually neglectful, isn't it?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/05/2014 23:45

He is not able to meet the needs of his child on during those times.

Welfare reasons are pretty much the only acceptable reason to piss about with contact.its a welfare issue

Birdsgottafly · 18/05/2014 23:46

A Judge would consider this important enough to at least want reports doing.

Luckily most educated people, value education.

If the RP was behaving in this manner, a CAF could be initiated.

SaucyJack · 18/05/2014 23:47

Google Disney/Uncle dads. Growing up with an NRP who can/won't act like an adult can be very damaging to a child.

Pumpkinpie11 · 18/05/2014 23:53

I have similar issues.
My ex forgets to pick the children up from school, doesn't believe in cleaning teeth, faces or clothes and keeps their school shoes, homework etc so that they go to school on a Monday without it all.
There appears to be absolutely nothing I can do about it in the eyes of the law. We have different parenting styles!!

Canthisonebeused · 18/05/2014 23:54

If he can't be arsed to take good care of his dds needs do you really think he'll be arsed to take her to court. I very much doubt it.

However if he did take this route it would probably not even get to court, they would most probably be recommended for mediation where the work would be set around him agreeing to meet her needs effectively and mum having a place to voice her concerns. I think there are good enough grounds for mum to be reconsidering the contact arrangements and given the evidence she has I'm pretty sure it would be taken seriously if it progressed to court.

Original poster
nincompoopascoop · 18/05/2014 23:55

puntastic he'd never send her to school inadequately dressed because that'd reflect badly on him. He returns her to mum without essentials knowing mum would rather be inconvenienced and out of pocket than see their dd suffer.

OP posts:
Original poster
nincompoopascoop · 18/05/2014 23:59

He definitely would approach court can because he sees it as his right to see their dd Hmm They've had mediation before (though no court order) and it was completely pointless as he just broke all agreements soffriend would actually like it to go before a judge. I just don't want it to not go her way and for her to be upset and for him to be even more of an arse.

OP posts:
Canthisonebeused · 19/05/2014 00:02

In that case I would get her to seek legal advice, most family law practices will offer a free 1 hour consultation.

Original poster
nincompoopascoop · 19/05/2014 00:17

She's done that can and they advised her to let it go to court, but I'm sceptical that they would say that because they'll profit from representing her but actually it'll make the relationship much more acrimonious which isn't best for their dd.

OP posts:
puntasticusername · 19/05/2014 00:24

Oh sorry OP, I read your OP to mean that he was sending her to school without suitable clothing.

If instead it's as you say then he's being even more UR, though possibly it'll be harder to prove due to consequent reduction in independent witnesses etc :/

Lweji · 19/05/2014 00:31

I'd think it's more than enough to reduce contact, and the school will have notes about homework not done and missing items to match his weekends, should he actually go to court.

Lweji · 19/05/2014 00:33

Or tell him to take her to school on Monday. At the very least, if he is worried how he'll look the DD won't suffer as much.

WooWooOwl · 19/05/2014 00:46

I think that's enough to delay the contact. The child needs to do homework if that's what's expected at school and I can only imagine the monumental pain in the arse it would be to have to sort out lunch boxes and uniforms on a Sunday night every other week.

Those are already tedious jobs without a selfish ex making it worse.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/05/2014 01:10

Really- you think him collecting her a couple of hours later is petty? You think your friend wants to mess up her childfree friday afternoon plans to do homework and wash out lunchboxes when the child's other parent should be doing it?

hoppingmad · 19/05/2014 01:36

For goodness sake, what a wanker he sounds. Easy to see why he's an ex.
There is a little girl in the middle of this who's needs aren't being met because her dad is being a belligerent fuckwit.

I have no experience of family court but I would hope a judge would see right through his attempts to annoy his ex by providing substandard care to his dd

Original poster
nincompoopascoop · 19/05/2014 07:23

Lweji their dd gets very upset about not having done her homework though so mum will often sit with her on a Sunday night doing it so school are unaware as their dd doesn't want to stand out at school. However, their dd has little sleep and lots of sugar at dad's meaning her concentration by a Sunday evening is terrible and ten minutes homework takes over an hour. She could ask for an extra day to do it but their dd has a hobby she loves on a Monday which doesn't leave time and again, mum shouldn't have to work around dad's inability to parent.

Youre precisely, changing contact is actually more hassle for my friend than her ex so hopefully the judge would see she isn't doing it to frustrate contact. It is just frustrating for her that he won't parent unless a judge tells him to. And even then he may not listen!

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 19/05/2014 07:34

He is not meeting her needs so your friend has every right to reduce contact!

As girlfriend to the nrp I know what a pia homework is when there is lots to do as it eats into his time with dsc's BUT it has to be done so it gets done on a Friday as soon as they arrive so they get the rest of the weekend to spend together.

A judge will back your friend as should you!

MammaTJ · 19/05/2014 07:45

It makes sense to me for the mum to pick up DD, get the uniform, lunch box and get homework done, then let Dad get on with his Disney Dad stuff for the rest of the weekend.

Should Dad decide he is going to do what needs to be done properly, then that could change back.

She would surely only be reducing contact by a couple of hours by doing this anyway.

Original poster
nincompoopascoop · 19/05/2014 13:08

For now, MammaTJ, but what about when their dd is older and has hours of homework to do each weekend?

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 19/05/2014 13:24

I wouldn't hesitate to change contact order, my DS has huge learning problems and he can afford to fall behind.

He is not doing the less fun parts of parenting and all the fun things.

Homework needs to be done, things that the child needs also needs to be returned.

Lweji · 19/05/2014 14:02

What I suggested about him taking her to school would flag up the problem being with him. A few times would be enough, followed by reduced contact.
Who knows, maybe he would actually get her to do it, to save his blushes.

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