to ask for a bit of help?

[snufkinsfloozy]

I've brought DS to see my Mum, who lives in the Mediterranean, and hasn't seen him since he was a few weeks old - he's now 10 months. DH has stayed at home as he couldn't get the time off work.

Unfortunately my Stepdad is undergoing chemotherapy so is unable to leave the house. He is not terribly ill with it as he has been in the past, which is positive, but he's spending most of the day in bed as he's understandably very tired.

Thing is I am desperate to ask for a break, even just a few hours to go down for a swim or an undisturbed drink. Its been a knackering month with DS teething and 5am starts, and now that we're abroad his body clock has gone loopy. He still wakes at 5am but doesn't go to sleep until past 9pm, at which point I turn in for the night. He's not napping at all during the day. He's a very happy baby but at the moment he likes to be held most of the time. Its been ages since I had a bit of time just to relax as I flew out shortly after a very difficult extended trip to visit family (can't go into the reasons here, but it was not a holiday) and I've been feeling a bit tearful for some reason.

Would it be really selfish of me to ask for an afternoon or a morning to myself? I wouldn't even consider it if Stepdad was really ill, but as I mentioned he feels okay, just tired, and my Mum is largely leaving him to sleep and popping in from time to time to offer him a drink or a bit of food.

She hasn't offered to look after him at all which makes me think I would be really out of line to ask.

Please don't flame - I don't think I'm really thinking straight at the moment :(

Can you not kind of hint? See what she says?

I am sure you mum has not even thought about it. When you are caring for somebody it tend to take over.

She's your mother. Just ask. If she says no, ask if she can point you in the direction of a local babysitting service.

Just ask, but in a totally understanding way - make sure she has a get out clause.

It's hard to judge the situation from here but I agree with the others. Ask. Don't hint. Ask cleary and sensitively for what you would like and make sure your mum knows she can say no if it is too much for her.

I think I would start by asking for an hour rather than a whole morning or afternoon as your mum might worry about how she would cope for that long and be more likely to say no.

If she hasn't offered, I wouldn't ask.

I expect that having a husband who is undergoing cancer treatment is significantly more emotionally draining that looking after your own happy and healthy baby. Even if your step dad done at feel that ill, he is still in best most of the time and needing to be cared for, which might not be that demanding physically, but it will be mentally.

I'd feel terrible leaving my mum to care for my sick step dad and young baby alone while I went swanning off to the beach.

OP, just ask.. she can either say yes or no.

There are dozens of threads of here regularly berating grandparents for wanting to spend a bit of time on their own with their grandchild so I am sure there are a lot of grandparents who are too scared to suggest it in case they get their heads ripped off for their audacity.

Or why not suggest your mum takes your son out for a bit, then you can at least have a rest indoors and pop in to your stepdad if he needs anything. That way you both get a break.

No I wouldn't ask either. Caring for someone with cancer is so hard and is nothing like caring for a healthy child. If she offers fine but you went out to see your family not leave them to do the childcare.

I would ask.

Was this holiday planned in advance, just wondering about the timing.
Besides she's your mother not some acquaintance, surely just ask her?

I wouldn't ask. I think the PP idea of seeing if your mum wants to take the baby out for a bit is fantastic, though.

That is a bit harsh, HappyMummy, as I would not have come in the first place if I did not want to spend time with my mum, but I see your point. I won't ask. I'll speak to DH when I get home.

Why not offer to gaive her a break?

I wouldn't feel comfortable looking after stepdad, for reasons I can't go into on a public forum (apologies for the vagueness). His illness has stirred up some weird emotions which is why I said in my op that I didn't think I was thinking straight - so much has gone on over the years that I find it hard to judge by normal standards.

Apologies for the enormous drip feed.

It was planned in advance, but restricted by cost of flights, hence the short time between trips.

Yep, suggest she takes a couple of hours to herself while you hold the fort and vice versa.

I dont think HappyMummy was harsh at all.

Caring for an elderly parent or a sick spouse has absolutely no rewards, and is unrelenting, and emotionally draining, and worrying in a way that is hard to understand if you have not been in a position where you have to care for an adult or very very seriously sick person.

With a baby, unless terminally ill, there is the reward of guiding a child through development, growth and milestones. Yes it is hard, but it is mostly self chosen, and a much more joyous experience compared to caring for a loved one who is either very sick or potentially dying.

I am sure your mum has had to overcome an onslaught of emotions.

When my oldest child was a baby I would not dream about asking my mum for help looking after my baby, as my dad had a very life limiting stroke when I was pregnant, and he was touch and go for a year, needing numerous operations. Instead I tried to help my mum.

My mum would not leave the house, she was so worried something would happen to my dad. I second giving her a break,

Not sure what his condition is, that you cant just pop in and see to him, ask if he need a cold drink or anything, to give your mum a break.

Maybe if you lead the way and offer HER a break, she will return the favour? A bit of give and take?

Does your mum have many friends around? Would it be a possibility to ask her if there are any likely candidates who she'd trust to ask for a mornings babysitting?