To not be excited about weekends?

[WanderingTrolley1]

We have a 15 month old and a 13 week old.

DP works long(ish) hours - usually 7/8am - 6pm. I take care of the children all day, every day (and through the nights, too).

Come the weekends, DP wants to know what our plans are. I am exhausted and, to be honest, the only thing I wish for is a couple hours to myself. I haven't said this to DP as I'll get the "I work long hours/everyone else has their life planned/we need to plan our weekends" spiel.

I appreciate that he works hard, but, I don't think he realises how hard it is for me with the children, without a break. Since I had the newborn, I've also been suffering migraine attacks which compounds the issue.

DP wants fun at the weekends, I want rest and calm.

Aibu?

Pecan very few people have any realistic idea of what will happen to their relationship after dc...

When I read threads like this, I feel really sad. Dp works shifts. We haven't been out as a family since December.

We have 4 dc youngest is 14 weeks. I don't even include him in stuff any more. I booked tickets for the zoo tomorrow but didn't know if he was working.

I would head off to Sheffield Park Sheffield Park

Thanks boffinmum. So it seems my local national trusts property are lacking! Yours look really good. I pay much more just for a zoo membership

Not everyone has time to have a conversation about life with a baby before a baby happens, so piss off with your wonderful lifestyle goes according to plan assumptions.

No national trust here, done all the local Historic Scotland stuff several times, done all the free stuff several times, no car so can't access a lot of things out of town and there are only so many times I can handle the park in one week. I'm not being defeatist, I just don't live in the perfect middle class world some posters on this thread do.

I may suggest softplay to the family as it's due to be wet (again) today, but we can't do that every weekend because it gets boring. If the weather had stayed nice we would have caught the train and had a picnic, but it didn't so we're stuck for ideas. Besides which we have some big costs coming up so money is tight (another reason DH often works at the weekend)

BankWadger, frankly I currently live in a middle class bubble and my weekends are often imperfect

Weekends until they're 2 or 3 are purgatory. I find a combination of tag teaming and family time works best. Eg today i took both of them for brekkie and shopping while dh went for a run. This afternoon I'm taking ds to a party and dh will take dd swimming and then do bedtime as I'm going out with friends. He'll do the early shift so i can sleep till 8 and then I'm doing soft play and lunch and then we'll hang out together in the afternoon. We both work but I get more headspace in the day whereas his is 'real time' ( similar to being a trader). I find a bit of fwd planning helps but we do pretty unexciting stuff. I find it helps to establish a couple of 'go to' options that are really manageable with just one of you. I give no allowances at all for men refusing to look after 2 at once- they're kids, not wild boars.

When mine were tiny there was a Dads Morning every Saturday at the sure start centre. Not that DH ever took them, he was usually at work, but you could look for something like that that you are unable to go to!!

Why do you have to be the one making "the plan". Tell him you like relaxing at weekends and if he wants to do stuff you're open to suggestions but if he thinks making a plan would be fun he could suggest one for you.
Apart from sporting events/ hobbies we plan very little of our weekends, as he works I'm surprised he wants his weekends timetabled as well. Having a few hours where one of you sprog watches whilst the other does something fun/ chills out without kids might be worth discussing as at that age taking them out can be more hassle than it's worth on a weekend.

BankWadger I'm not keen on weekends either

We don't often have anything planned as DH usually has marking to do (teacher). He's taken on some private tuition this year (4 nights p/w) plus does some gardening for an old family friend every other weekend.

So Mon-Thur he's oout of the house from 7.45am to between 6 and 6.30pm. Fri is 7.45am- earliest 4.50pm but if he stays to do bits at work like last night it can be getting on for 6pm.

So weekends come and he needs to mark

Usually this means me and ds do things on our own (ds is nearly 6 months) and I try to catch up on housework but tbh dh isn't very good at entertaining ds for long periods so it's hard.

Sorry this has turned into a whinge but this week's been tough as I've had a rotten cold

OP, I made sure to drum into my DH that DD seems to find his presence much more reassuring than mine when it comes to swimming. Also, his knowledge of bugs, plants and birds is so superior to mine, it would be a crime not to be introduced to this world by a fine expert such as himself.
After all this years, he still thinks he's taken over Saturdays with his DD because he is so much better than me. He gets quite huffy when DD rolls her eyes and says:'C'mon, Daddy, she just wants us out of her hair'. 'No, darling, Mummy is very kind to give us time together, it takes a lot of planning and sacrifice for mummy to allow us on our own'

Weekends are hard when you've got tiny ones, because the whole concept of 'weekend' has changed beyond recognition and a break from the normal daily grind, it aint! And no, YANBU to dread the weekends. Mine are three and six and TBH, the weekends still aren't that great, although they're a marked improvement on what they were when the boys were babies and I do now get to sleep until 7am. Woo hoo!

With regard to your DH asking what the plans are I would say:

• on Saturday morning I'm having a lie-in while you take the kids to the park;
• when you get back I'll get up and we can go for brunch at a local cafe
• then back for the DC to have a nap
• then something child friendly like feeding the ducks, an hour at the garden centre looking at the fish, somewhere with a toddler play area.

Sunday he gets a lie in, but then he cooks lunch or you have something simple. Everyone goes to the park in the afternoon.

Sounds familiar. I used to find the weekends the hardest when I was on mat leave.

I think you need a structure. Juneau's idea is a good one. We have had a lie in each for many years now. Sat morning one parent lies in while the other takes DC to an organised activity/class, goes home via a bakery, and we eat french bread and cakes for lunch. Sun morning is chilled playing at home with one parent while the other lies in. One afternoon DH would often take the toddler, or both DC when the baby can come, to a local farm we have season tickets for. I got a rest with the baby. The other afternoon we might go somewhere as a family or do jobs at home. Boring, yes! But at least I got a bit of a break

In my book, its all about having things to look forward to. That applies to the week or the weekend. It does involve a bit of planning ahead, but means you have nicer times.
How about arranging to spend some time with kids of a similar age. You can all suffer together and at least have adult company.
When mine were this age, we needed to get out too, or life felt miserable. We often went to friends for lunch or met them in the park or wherever. Even if it was just meeting them for coffee it helped.
OP do you have a group of friends you could do this kind of thing with? You might have to start by doing the inviting and organising if you and your friends do t usually meet this way.
Just getting out to family can be good to. Go the parents or in laws for lunch if nearby,mor go to stay for weekend if a distance.
Chat to your husband. Lack of communication is the issue here. Say you are happy to go out too. Share the responsibility for different weekends between you. And be clear, that if you want to get together with others, you need to book things ahead. Just deciding on Thursday night doesn't usually work.
Hope things improve and weekends are soon fun again.

You need to have a proper talk with your husband.

there's no reason a weekend has to be all one thing or another, ideally you can have a combination of some rest time (for each of you) and some family time.

There will be plenty of time to have long weekends of fun when the kids are a bit older and you are less exhausted.

What's keeping you from putting your foot down and insisting on some rest for yourself? He is not your master. He should be helping you and wanting you to be happy too.

I don't get the impression that DH is some kind of domineering type who demands his wife organises his social life and doesn't care how she feels or what she wants.
I suspect he just gets home from work and asks what is happening at the weekend. He is the kind of person who like so have things on, but hasn't got round to a arranging them, but hopes wife might have done.
I don't see any sense of him being demanding, just hopeful. I don't see anything to suggest that he wouldn't be willing to take some responsibility for organising or giving his wife a bit of a rest IF HE IS TOLD SHE WOULD LIKE THAT.
Communication is surely key. OP needs to be clear about how what she would like. I don't think we need to assume DH is a git who is trying to Lord it over her, just someone who hasn't been told what she would like. Perhaps it should be more obvious, but men are not mind readers!

But the OP said this, Chocolate:

I haven't said this to DP as I'll get the "I work long hours/everyone else has their life planned/we need to plan our weekends" spiel. I appreciate that he works hard, but, I don't think he realises how hard it is for me with the children, without a break.

Sure, people aren't mind readers, and everyone is saying the OP needs to really talk to her husband. But it sounds like she hasn't because she doesn't think it will make a difference, her husband won't appreciate her position.

Personally I think you have to be pretty dense not to realise that your wife, after 5 days of 24/7 care of two very young children, and suffering from migraines to boot, needs some rest at the weekend.

YaNbu! I have recently become a sahm and it is hard work,the day's dh is off is my only chance to a) go to the bathroom by myself
b) drink a cup of tea that's still warmish
The idea that we Have to do something every weekend is exhausting. Yes, we might go for a little walk all together round the block And the odd weekend go to park or beach but other than that it's recovery time.

Can't your partner look after the DC for a whole day on Saturday so you get a break and then do a family activity on Sunday? He can organise the family activity so he has something to look forward to

I think the age of your children makes things very difficult. Even things like National Trust don't make that much difference - as at 15 months they would be just as happy with a trip to the local park and the newborn won't care what they are doing - plus you are so limited with the grind of what you need to take out (nappies, changes of clothes, snacks, bottles, etc) and working round feed and sleep times.

I have 3 DC aged 9, 5 and 11 months. Tbh we have got in the habit of doing things with the older 2 and therefore the baby just has to "fit in" and we find going about our daily life is easier - and being out of the house preferably as if we are at home we all want to chill out and do our own things but unless it's naptime baby needs constant watching!! And you have 2 who need potentially constant attention - and no child who yet appreciates (occasionally ) decent trips out and engages in decent conversation!! So the reality is it will be hard.

When our eldest was younger we did used to find a bit of help in company - with friends who had similar age children - as they could "play together" while we had coffee and either whinged about the mundaneness of it all, or distracted each other!! Or meeting up with family, etc. It also meant that DH & I made more effort to be pleasant and polite. It is easy to fall into being grumpy and rude to each other if you are on your own with each other and so tired and constantly feel like there is no let up to life...

Just to reassure you - this is so shortlived in perspective (esp given your small age gap) - you are putting the hard yards in now and you will reap the rewards as once the youngest gets to 2 - 2 and a half you will be out enjoying weekends or chilling at home with the DC entertaining themselves. It probably feels like forever away but it won't be...

onelittletoddleterror near Mottisfont I reckon a Culture All passport is a better bet than National Trust. Alternatively Moors Valley, Longdown...

I agree it is very hard work being at home with small children. It's easy to forget that though. I haven't done if for a few years and have already forgotten just how hard it is. When men are at work all day, it can be hard for them to understand what women do all day at home.
From the bit you quoted DREAMING, I didn't see any real criticism of OP or sense that husband wouldn't listen.
All DH was saying was that he would like to do stuff at the weekend. It didn't even seem he wasn't open at all to being involved in the planning.

We don't really know what he's like, do we.
My point is that people on here seem quick to see the DH as in the wrong. I don't think anyone is probably in the wrong. Having small kids is really hard, life changes and it can feel like there's not much fun in life. The OP needs to talk to DH about how she feels and make her feelings clear. I expect he will be prepared to think about what she says and they may be able to Fi d a way for both of them to have a bit of time and for them to have some family time together too.
The communication in itself will probably make things feel better.

Bloody hated the weekends when Dcs were small. Both dh and I work full time out of home and so the weekends have to be spent catching up on housework, gardening, recycling, shopping, caring for parents etc. Precious little time for fun with Dcs. Can't afford to go out and about much but Historic Scotland has been a godsend.
Now dds are grown up and Ds a teen, I get a lie in on Saturdays and Sundays which is bliss.

erin thanks. That's the council one isn't it? I like the Victoria country park and have thought about manor farm. DD didn't like longdown because she is scared of animals including little chicks! We have annual pass to marwell which surprisingly she is ok with and told me the animals can't get to her. They are funny isn't it?

I'm very like your DH, I love the weekends and I need something to look forward to. I don't enjoy my job at all and need to a) feel I've had a break from it at the weekends and b) give myself something to look forward to all week. I live for my weekends.

However, I completely understand your point of view as well, my DH used to ask very similar questions to yours - things like 'what are we doing this weekend?' Or 'What are we up to today?' Eventually I got so sick of it I snapped that I wasn't his PA or social secretary and that he is perfectly capable of coming up with something for us to himself.

He then explained that actually his meaning had been misconstrued and what he meant by those questions 'have you made plans for the weekend?'/'do you have something specific you'd like to do?'

Now he asks 'is there anything you fancy doing at the weekend?' Or 'shall we go to x today?'

Your DP isn't a mind reader, he may think you want a break from the hum-drum of weekday life by doing something special at the weekend as well.

Have a chat with him, explain that you would like a break at the weekend, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't have a chance to enjoy his weekend - maybe he could do something with the DC on Sat while you have a rest and then have a family day on Sunday (or every other Sunday) or something. If he keeps expecting you to plan his weekends once you've told him then he's being unreasonable.

If your DH wants fun, he can organise it.

There's no reason why organising stuff like that has to fall to you because you're at home with the children. Give him a list of your requirements so he doesn't plan something that will be too much like hard work with small children, and let him get on with it.