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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL massive favouritism of SIL & her family, give me some perspective!

26 replies

Albertatata · 16/05/2014 19:54

I'm sure it is probably quite common so I would appreciate some input on how to handle it so that I don't come off looking all resentful & feeling crappy.

PILs and SIL live in the north west 30 mins drive away from each other (but PIL are looking to move to the same street so they can help out more). PIL very involved in SIL & their family, SIL has 4yo DS and 6month DD. We have two DS 2yo & 7month old.

As SIL DS was first grandson he was showered with attention and even now you struggle to have a conversation without them bringing him up. We were resigned to the fact that our DS was never going to get the same amount of attention as we do live far away - but I'm beginning to get resentful.

Me & SIL have had babies within a month of each other and so it is very very hard to not compare the amount of attention. Since DS2 was born they have been to visit once & have another visit planned for August. (Its inly a 90min train journey!) We went up to stay for a week in March and it was a bit if a nightmare DS1 was in full terrible two stage and taken right out if routine & I got alot of cats bum face and 'parenting advice' from MIL - which just made me feel like shit.

SIL family they see at least twice a week and literally do everything for them. We are going up for SIL DD christening in June and have just been told MIL won't be there when we get there as she will be at SIL - WTF, I'll have just traveled 150 miles with two kids and they won't even be there to meet their grandchildren despite not seeing them since March. AIBU to think that speaks volumes?

I just know the whole weekend is going to be awful and it will be obvious my children are not as doted on and I'll just come away feeling crap. The thing is I'm really struggling with two under 2.5yrs and I would really like a bit more support, I think that's why it upsets me so much. (SIL has two sets of very close GP who do alot, has DS overnight at least once a week and every other weekend, do childcare, etc. I have literally nobody)

So AIBU to be pissed off or should I just stop moaning? Should I tell them that I think its pretty crap they can't be there to meet us when they haven't seen their GC for 3 months and we have travelled across the country to see them?

Sorry long!

Ps DH I think has always been the black sheep and he has always said him & his mum never got on very well. He's pissed off too, I feel sorry for him. He gets on well with his dad though but MIL def wears the trousers!

OP posts:
Original poster
Albertatata · 16/05/2014 19:56

Ps I should say we arrive on the sat & christening is on the Sunday

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 16/05/2014 20:01

is SIL your DHs sister, or DHs brothers wife? I think there is often a favouritism with MILs for their own DDs kids over their DILs kids. Not saying that's right or fair but it happens. They are also bound to feel closer to the GC they live nearer to. Doesn't mean they love them less (or shouldn't at least!)

Original poster
Albertatata · 16/05/2014 20:09

Yes SIL is DH sister.

OP posts:
fingersonbuzzers · 16/05/2014 20:15

Well that does sound rubbish, I'm sorry :(

Is there a particular thing that they're going to be at SIL for when you arrive?

stillenacht1 · 16/05/2014 20:16

My DM always says to me that the children of the daughter will always be priority over the children of the son when I chat with DM about this regarding my PIL...my DH is the son and my PIL are lovely but SILs children (and they are much, much younger than ours) have more contact and there is a greater bond iykwim.

Apatite1 · 16/05/2014 20:17

Give it up. It won't change. They like their own daughter's kids more than yours. I don't have kids, but I'm 100% that my husband's parents would never ever dote on my kids the way they do on their own daughters' children, even though they live in a different country.

You have every right to be pissed off, but I don't think saying anything will change their blatantly biased behaviour.

BornFreeButinChains · 16/05/2014 20:23

How do you get on with MIL....how do you get on with sil,

its sad they dont seem to think the same way about their two sets of GC, do you think its an oversite at all..ie if you said you needed help they would be there in a shot?

sometimes you have to be vulnerable...would you be happy to leave your DC with her>

HauntedNoddyCar · 16/05/2014 20:23

The geographical thing is huge too. My parents pop in to see my db far more than me because he's 5 minutes away. He pops in to them usually once a week for a beer or dinner. We live less than an hour away and it does make a difference.

That combined with being the dd's dc makes a difference. What's your dh like with them?

BornFreeButinChains · 16/05/2014 20:24

My DM always says to me that the children of the daughter will always be priority over the children of the son interesting and yet its always dils who are told they are the problem etc.

DeWee · 16/05/2014 20:42

I'm not totally sure from what you've written here that it is favouritism.

You've pointed out that they live closer, quite a bit closer, there's a big difference between 30 minute drive and a 90 minute train journey. I know which I'd always prefer.
I think it is perfectly reasonable for them to mention to you things they've been doing with their other dgc, they probably think you're interested. I know when I talk to the pil I can tell which of their dgc they've seen a bit of recently as they talk devotedly-but I know from talking to bil/sil that the same is true of our dc. Doesn't mean that they prefer one over the other, just if they've seen a bit of them recently it is quite natural to tell you things they've done.

And this weekend you're going on is your dn's Christening. I'd assume that this weekend is about them much more than you. Probably mil has stuff to do for the Christening. If it was your dc's Christening then it would be about you, this weekend isn't.

And you can't have it both ways: You've put they should come more "it's only a 90 minute train journey" but also you're then taking the hump that you've travelled 150 miles and they're not staying in to greet you. They're probably saying "they won't mind, it's not a huge journey-only a 90 minute train journey".

Original poster
Albertatata · 16/05/2014 20:54

De wee - its only 90mins train journey to GP but I've got the addition of transporting 2.5yo & 7month, carseats, pram & the entire kitchen sink I need to travel with them. It would be far easier for them to visit us - but they don't (unless we force the issue)

There are other example of favouritism but it probably all sounds a bit petty and trivial to go into in detail.

I do understand that the christening is about SIL DD but I would have thought that they would also like to spend some time with there other GC as they probably won't see them again until August (and they see SIL every week).

OP posts:
parakeet · 16/05/2014 20:57

These are people you only see every few months. Why do you care what they think? This expectation of a formal "welcoming" when you arrive sounds rather attention-seeking.

If your DH doesn't get on with his mum, and has moved some distance away from his parents, those together are probably the most likely factors that explain the different relationships with their different grandchildren.

No one has a right to help from family with their children. Apart from a relatively brief initial period , I got zero help too, due to distance, death or frailty. That's life, sorry.

Original poster
Albertatata · 16/05/2014 21:04

I don't want a 'formal welcoming' I just want them to show some interest. I'm knackered, struggling, really struggling and I just want someone to find my children fun & interesting. I'm really very tired and therefore maybe my judgement is skewed and I'm taking these things more personally than I should whereas in the past it was more water off a ducks back etc.

OP posts:
BornFreeButinChains · 16/05/2014 21:07

Alberta,

sometimes you need to make a stand, perhaps after this latest news...they wont be there...you could say the jounce will be too much for you all and you cannot make it?

what would happen then>

HauntedNoddyCar · 16/05/2014 21:09

DeWe does make a very good point about what you hear not being what they say to the SIL. We used to get endless tales of the Golden GC (our cousin) from my gran. When we were all grown up at her funeral it turned out that they were subject to endless tales of our achievements. My gran was the news service

fingersonbuzzers · 16/05/2014 21:09

When you say 'we are going up' do you mean you are going up without DH on the train with your 2 DC and PIL won't meet you from the station?

Are you staying with PIL, or somewhere else?

I think it sounds out of order, tbh, though don't know what the situation is with car seats etc or whether they'd be able to pick you up...

fingersonbuzzers · 16/05/2014 21:10

Sympathies on the lack of help, too. I have a 22mo gap between my DC and I remember really hitting the wall when the youngest was about 8 months, too.

I don't have family nearby either and yes I had to get on with it like everyone will tell you you have to, but actually it was bloody hard and a little bit of extra support or care was much appreciated. I would have been upset by PIL choosing to spend time with their local grandchildren over mine as well.

soverylucky · 16/05/2014 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mordirig · 16/05/2014 21:13

Yes, I would just say you can't make it,, they are not going to change so stop making yourself even more tired by lugging everything up to see them.

Think of yourself for once!

Steben · 16/05/2014 21:14

I feel for you OP - we are in a similar situation and whilst I don't necessarily want a close relationship with my mil I do feel irritated by the fact that sils dc have almost godlike status, and she is held up like a paragon of virtue when by comparison we have it a lot harder with no help on hand. I think what other posters have said about dm always preferring their daughters children over their sons is sadly true.

PassAFist · 16/05/2014 21:14

I completely understand OP. I have given up with MIL and accepted that she only cares about SIL's DC. She can't even be bothered to ask about ours when DH phones her (nor can she be bothered to phone DH...) and if she does remember that we have DC and asks about them she will take the first opportunity to turn the conversation round to talk about SIL's DCs.

Whatever! It is her loss not to know how fabulous this other set of GC are. One day SIL's DCs will be older and no longer that interested in her and ours won't have much of a clue who she is.

MistressDeeCee · 16/05/2014 21:17

Id feel the same in your shoes, OP. It would annoy me. However I don't think you should let it get to you so much; it is what it is and from the sound of it, your resentment is brewing and it won't be a good thing if its apparent to them, or your DCs. Id screen it. Im not the best for advice on PILs/arsey family though as I think people spend far too much time worrying about the dynamics, either bending over backwards to please DPs parents, or being annoyed about them, SIL problems, BIL problems etc I just couldn't be asked with all that. If people are nice with me Im nice with them, if they're not then I don't waste my brainspace focusing on them. Life's too short.

People either like you or they don't, unfortunately just because you've joined their family it doesn't mean they'll behave appropriately, not even if you simmer with resentment for years. Your children are fun and interesting to you and your DH, Im sure. & Im sure you/they have friends? Where are your parents?

Anyway, however off-key your PILs behaviour is you can't do anything about it. So just leave them to it & get on with dealing with your own little family unit. Whilst you're angsting they're probably just fine. Whats the point?

ILoveCoreyHaim · 16/05/2014 21:28

My Ex in laws do more for my kids than their Dds kids and far more than my DPs and I am one of 4 kids, the only DD and my DPs do more for my DBs kids. My Ex in laws pay and take my kids abroad and watch 3 dds overnight every Saturday and have since dd1 was born. She also did the same for DD2 and my ex SIL first born. We then both had a child in the same school year and she said she would be taking neither overnight till they slept through the night.

I understand this is not the norm and op YANBU

OutsSelf · 16/05/2014 21:54

I bet your children are fun and interesting, OP. You sound knackered and like you need a glass of wine and a good natter with some good mates. Have you got other family near you, at all? We live a long way from family and had just moved when I had DC1, so I had a miserably lonely year. With DC 2 I've got a great support network, an urban "family" which we built with and through the children and DP has been way more involved. What a difference!

It sounds like you are looking for support in the wrong place, to be honest. I think if you are struggling, and they aren't helping, then even if it's right and good that they should help, they aren't going to. Have you talked about how tough you are finding it with them? If not, you could raise it with them, but as you don't sound that close, I'm wondering why it is you are seeking the recognition and support from them?

This is the thing: they are who they are and thinking that the moral weight of your argument is going to change that, or even the sheer gorgeousness of your children, you are clinging to an idea that will only cause you pain. My MIL openly wished for a 2nd grandson when I was pg with DD, I thought she'd soften when she met her, but actually only recently intimated that she didn't really feel anything for her when she was born though "likes her now" [anger] This fact hurts me more than anyone, when I hold onto the idea that the sheer perfection of DD should have change her stupid, sexist, idiotic and horribly prejudiced thinking.

The mistake is to think that any part of these differences is a reflection of or on your and your children. Look elsewhere for people to love and support you, people who want to be there and aren't responding to a send of obligation are a better choice in th long run. Don't look for what people can't offer; it's inevitably disappointing and really it only you who suffers that.

x2boys · 16/05/2014 22:06

It is crap I am afraid my dad moved to the other side of Manchester when he married my mum and they had me a and my sister he is one of six siblings all of his siblinghgs lived within walking distance of each other and still do they are now all in their 60,s and70,s me and my sister have always felt like outsiders all of my cousins went to the same school and enjoyed close relationships with each other my self and my sister did not , I think our grandparents felt guilty but did nothing to stop it consequently whilst the rest of my cousins have a still close relationship with each other and namely my dads oldest sister who has never married we barely know them its sad but it happens. Incidentally I have a much better relationship with my mums brothers kids who I also saw now and then but that was never an issue .