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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family demanding too much of our time

24 replies

Crazylady22 · 16/05/2014 13:05

I am a first time poster so please be gentle...

I really need some outside perspective on an issue we are having with our family since we have had our DS.

We are constantly feeling under lots of pressure to meet up with various family members every weekend and it's beginning to cause rifts in the family. My DH works very long hours and commutes to a stressful job in London and it's not uncommon for DS to be in bed by the time he is home. Consequently our weekends are very very precious to us so that we can have some much needed family time. Our DS 18 months and is a bad sleeper an always has been so we also use the weekends to give each other a break/lie in etc...

PIL text every weekend and ask if we are free
to meet up, we often say no as I have normally seen them in the week as I am not currently at work, they are normally quite accepting of this and respect our need for alone time but the constant texting is annoying.

My parents are divorced and remarried. My mum is fine and never puts any pressure on us but my dad is a different story. I see him in the week, every week and yet i still get "guilt trip" texts. I got one today saying, "I wish we saw you more, it makes me very sad"

AIBU to think that if I am seeing family in the week while my DS and I are free a as my DH is at work then they should leave us alone at weekends??

I just can't help that think if we succumbed to everyone's demands out weekends wod be entirely taken up with seeing other people?!

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/05/2014 13:11

Your dad is being unreasonable. Sounds like pil accept your availability but it makes you feel guilty.

Might it be worth trying to be proactive and arrange meetings for, say, 3 weeks time so that you have a bit more control? If there are arrangements made for the near future, they might back off and give you some space.

DamnBamboo · 16/05/2014 13:12

To be fair, this is more your issue rather than theirs. They text to see if you are free and you say no and that's it.

What you are saying is that basically your DH never wants to see your parents, or his for that matter. Or indeed anyone at all?

One day they (Parents and PIL) will do just that - leave you alone at weekends OP and then no doubt you'll be wishing you saw them more. Unless of course you genuinely don't like them.

You sound pretty miserable and a little self-centred if I'm being honest

KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn · 16/05/2014 13:13

I totally empathise. Have you explained this to them? though you shouldn't really have to

When dd was firstborn I felt like suddenly she belonged to everyone and not just me ... I felt obliged to meet their incessant demands. I too would see family a lot and still it was never enough. In the end rows happened - but they all got the message finally!

Original poster

Crazylady22 · 16/05/2014 13:19

Thanks for replies so far.

It's not that we never want to see them, but it's the constant pressure EVERY weekend. DH does see his
Parents some weekends as he would not want to never see them.

I like the idea of making arrangements for the future, think that might help situation. I'll give it a try. Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

Crazylady22 · 16/05/2014 13:36

Thanks KeepOn. We have tried explaining in the past but it falls on deaf ears and the problems just come back.

How often do you see your family?

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 16/05/2014 13:59

You have plans, even if that means mooching about in your PJs all day every Saturday and Sunday. "How about the third weekend of July, will you be free then?"

Badgering texts can be ignored if you want to ignore them or not want to be pinned down.

Ioethe · 16/05/2014 14:31

Family really can take up all of your time and often don't understand that time with them is not downtime in the same way that time with just your partner is. That doesn't mean you're selfish or miserable, just that you need time to be a little family unit together, or a couple together.

Set up a schedule. It makes it so much easier. For example - see the PILs on the third weekend of every month. Instant answer to badgering texts - "No, but we're looking forward to seeing you x weekend!". Likewise with your dad - "I know, it's tough when everything is so hectic, but I'm looking forward to seeing you on x weekend!"

If you make agreed time for them, they're less anxious that they don't see you, and you feel less like your precious weekend time is being guilt tripped away from you.

mrssnodge · 16/05/2014 14:32

I do sympathise_ I also must learn to say NO!!!,I feel torn between about 8 others and a full time job! me and DP both work full time, sometimes 6 days a week if doing overtime, I have 3 grown up DC, two gDC, one step daughter, who comes every weekend, a mum,, who demands I visit every weekend, ,and a dad & SDM, who also love to see us as much a poss, non of my parents drive so I always have to go to theirs, and try to fit them al in, when I just wanna relax on my soometimes ONE DAY OFF!!! I love seeing my DC and GDC, and SDD but my and DH are never alone!!! Im constantly trying to keep someone happy/visit/make meals for them oh and DP has planned a bbq at ous tomoorw,, - will I,ll let him do it all and sit with a glass of wine or tow and bugger them all!

HolidayCriminal · 16/05/2014 14:49

Maybe you should book some weekends for not seeing them, just tell them you have plans on XYZ weekends and won't be available. But you don't currently have plans on ABC weekends and would they like to meet up then? Then you can schedule everything & know what to plan for. Do this for next 2 month period & see if it works for you.

Mutley77 · 16/05/2014 15:36

Agree it is a good idea to set a "schedule" even if just in your own (&DH's) head. So perhaps you want to see parents once a month each at a weekend - and that will be one month for a short coffee / visit and the next month for a Sunday lunch (or similar). Good idea to get this sorted now as when children get older you will have more and more commitments in terms of activities and social life - as well as your increased "family social life". My DH still likes to book in "just us" family chilling days (which is increasingly difficult with a 9yo, a 5yo and a baby )

2rebecca · 16/05/2014 15:48

I wouldn't want to see relatives every weekend and also wouldn't want anything as rigid as a rota.
I agree with the saying no and maybe telling your dad to stop trying to make you feel guilty as that doesn't make you want to see more of him. I think some people forget how busy it is having young kids and working. We moved away from our relatives for work so that made it easier as we weren't constantly pestered and visits were infrequent occasions we enjoyed.
DH could ask his family not to text every weekend as it makes you feel pressured. We often turn our mobiles off at weekends which makes ignoring texts easier although we tend to phone each other not text.
My husband pops in and sees his parents most weeks after work 1 evening, I see them every 2 or 3 months. I see my relatives every few months but they are several hours away.
I do love weekends when I have nothing at all on though. I could never do the rellys every Sunday lunch thing.

Hissy · 16/05/2014 15:51

Allow 1 weekend a month, if that suits you, and let your dad whinge.

He is guilt tripping you and it's not on.

BackforGood · 16/05/2014 16:00

Would your Dad - or your PiL be the sort of people who would come over and be helpful ?
You could say ..... "we're planning to get a bit done in the garden on Saturday afternoon if you want to come over and give us a hand?", so they have the opportunity to spend time with you, without it taking time away from you getting things done / relaxing

"I'm having a lie-in on Saturday morning, but dh is planning on taking dc out for a bit if you want to join him ?"

etc. so they fit in with your lives, also get to see you dh, also get to see their grandchild, and are also quite helpful without you and dh feeling like "seeing them" is another chore to be fitted in to your weekend.

2rebecca · 16/05/2014 19:03

That may be a good idea. I find it's the social arrangements arround meals that are a chore, particularly with young kids who don't usually do big long dinners. If I had local relatives I'd be more inclined to see them if they came to do stuff for a couple of hours rather than came to dinner or wanted us to go to dinner. I'd still want most weekends relative free though.

Thepaintedveil · 16/05/2014 19:11

Our inlaws expected to see us every weekend-it went on for years and it did cause a bit of bad blood when I eventually said it had to stop.Nip it in the bud now op!

We had mil on the phone moaning because fil is going away for a day at the weekend and dropping huge hints about us going to visit/invite her round but she knows that the kids have activites all day that can't be dropped and ffs she is a grown women with a car and money-can't she entertain herself for one day?

WipsGlitter · 16/05/2014 19:19

Do not get into a routine. It is so hard to break and lots of guilt all round!

KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn · 16/05/2014 19:27

I see family once a week now, OP. Sometimes more, never less. I understand they wish to see Dd. I also think its nice for dd to have time with her fam. If our lives were not so chaotic I would see them more im sure, but dh works 2 jobs and in the days he gets off we like to just chill out as a family. My mil wanted to see us a lot more which is fine, but it was expected and she would guilt trip us if we couldn't and also would not take into consideration I have family that wish to see us too. Some people are inherently selfish.

KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn · 16/05/2014 19:28

Ignore the comments that you are selfish OP. Not everyone wants to live in the pockets of their family, not do they have the time!

bluebeanie · 16/05/2014 20:01

Your dad is bu. Enjoy your weekends

pommedeterre · 16/05/2014 20:04

It is not selfish to want to be together as the family unit. In fact I would argue it is vital.

I would tell your dad that you love him and you see him as much as you can. End of.

I would ask pils to maybe stop texting every weekend and start organizing in advance and put things in the diary.

Good luck!

redexpat · 16/05/2014 20:20

I cant linl on my tablet but google for the non parents huffington post. It may help you to see that you are neither alone nor unreasonable.

Original poster

Crazylady22 · 16/05/2014 21:59

Thankyou everyone so much for your replies.

I'm glad to see I'm not alone and that I'm not being entirely unreasonable although I agree wth some of your suggestions about being more proactive when we do have some spare time and I will definitely give that a try.

The poster that said my dad pushes me away the more he goes on is exactly right and I think this is some of the problem. Because he makes me feel bad and as if I am disappointing him, I then feel less and less like seeing him which obviously makes the situation worse. I
also feel conscious of giving in to him because he shouts the loudest, which isn't really fair on everyone else who would also like to see us more but are more respectful
of our choices.

Anyway thanks again. You've all been really helpful.

OP posts:

Original poster

Crazylady22 · 16/05/2014 21:59

Thankyou everyone so much for your replies.

Anyway thanks again. You've all been really helpful.

OP posts:

Original poster

Crazylady22 · 16/05/2014 22:07

Thank you KeepOn, this is exactly right, I am very different from my dad. He is very sociable and likes to have a lot of people around him whereas I am not like that. I think he sees families around him who are with each other all weekend for dinner and sleepovers and just doesn't understand why he doesn't have the same.

OP posts:

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