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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School rules!

29 replies

BooBoo68 · 16/05/2014 10:14

Hi all, I'm new to Mumsnet.
I'm in Outer London. My elderly, widowed, MIL who lives alone in a remote part of Ireland is having a hip replacement today, expected discharge being 5-10 days, but she cannot go home if she'll be alone. There are 2 SIL's, one is over an hour's drive from her, the other has such terribly crippling back problems, there's NO WAY she'd be able to care for her Mum at home on discharge. They each also have young children who need to be at home to attend school. I have offered to go over there next Friday, 23rd, so that I can be there for her to be discharged home. MIL, OH & SIL's all agree this is the best plan. The alternative is for her to go into a nursing home for at least a week.
My children are on half-term 26th-30th May. My high schooler is going on a school trip on 23rd, but I would have to take the younger one with me to Ireland. I have asked the primary school for ONE "Leave of absence" day to be granted next Friday (23rd), so that I can travel over & be there for her to be discharged.
The Headteacher has REFUSED to grant this request. I fully understand the need for this "Leave of absence" rule is to ensure families do not take kids out of school ad-lib. My children have been at local schools for a total of 14 years so far & both have attendance records of over 97/98%. We've never til now requested such leave of absence, nor taken them out of school unnecessarily for holidays etc. I am beyond upset with Head's decision!
It's a faith school & they teach family & Christian values....yet seem to be utterly heartless with this decision.
I hate being deceptive, but it's so tempting to just call my child in as sick on the day & travel regardless. My OH is suggesting we do this & just take whatever consequences ensue, fines etc. Am I being unreasonable to agree with him & just do it? Does anyone have knowledge of what the penalties might be?

OP posts:
Canthisonebeused · 16/05/2014 10:20

Not sure it depends on wether they will issue a fine or not. It's up to to do it and deal with the fine if that's what you would rather do, is certainly not morally or otherwise wrong. The only thing is I would be truthful as it's not great to encourage kids to lie, if you said they were I'll.

I picked up a holiday form the other day for 1 day off I asked receptionist what she thought as I'm not keen to request leave if it's going to be denied but the alternative is lying but I'm not going to do that. Anyway receptionists advice was that it won't be granted but it in and if I take the day anyway "nothing will happen"

Tealady1983 · 16/05/2014 10:20

I would do exactly that if school suggest dc not ill ask them to prove it Wink.

Sparklingbrook · 16/05/2014 10:21

I am a great believer in not taking holidays in term time, but I think that this is not the same at all.

What did the HT say?

Original poster
BooBoo68 · 16/05/2014 10:26

Sparklingbrook...Didn't even get to see Head (who has only been there few months). Receptionists gave me form, handed it in couple days ago & collected it this morning.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 16/05/2014 10:29

Sad Did it just say 'no'?

Chocotrekkie · 16/05/2014 10:34

I wouldnt call in sick.

I would send a note in saying that dc will not be in school on Friday 23rd as grandmother will be released from hospital on that day and you will have tobe there to care for her. This is a family emergency and he will be back at school on the first day of term.

steppemum · 16/05/2014 10:45

I agree with choco. I would never call in sick if they weren't. I would simply inform school ds won't be there on Friday.

I think that school has a choice what to do next. In other words they can report you, and the LEA can fine you, or they can choose to ignore.

The HT cannot agree to your request. It doesn't fall into the exceptional circumstances and they really cannot say yes. But, they can choose just to ignore a day off like this.

WooWooOwl · 16/05/2014 10:51

It's not a school rule, it's a government rule.

It is irrelevant that it's a faith school. I see your point that they are supposed to support Christian values, which you would think would include looking after sick relatives, but all schools have to stick to the same rules about attendance. The head may well want to support you in looking after your mil, but the head will have pressure from above to not authorise trips to see family, whatever the reason. Otherwise everyone could say that a relative is sick to get themselves a cheaper week in Spain.

Can you imagine the threads if one family was allowed an authorised absence to see family, but another wasn't just because they were at a community school rather than a faith school?

mummymeister · 16/05/2014 10:58

you need to do a couple of things to try and sort this out if possible. first ask to speak directly with the head teacher. fobbing you off on a form is not acceptable. tell him/her this is an exceptional family circumstance - an elderly relative abroad that cannot be discharged from hospital unless you go over and help out. the head teacher, and only the head teacher, has the discretion to decide whether this is exceptional circumstances or not. it is absolutely not set down in law what is and what isn't and neither is it the decision of the board of gov. the LEA or anyone else. if he still refuses then you need to look at the schools rules on fining and the LEA's rules on fining. these do vary. some only fine after 5 days, some after so many days per term, some if you have had time of sick up to X days there is a huge variance across the country. once the head has refused leave then it is not their decision as to whether you are fined or not but the LEA. the fines are £60 per parent per child so for this one day off it would be £120 for your child.

PosyFossilsShoes · 16/05/2014 11:12

I would write a stiff note along the lines of "It is necessary for me to be present in Ireland for my vulnerable elderly mother on her discharge from hospital. It is equally necessary that I do not leave my child unaccompanied in the UK. As I see it this is a safeguarding issue for both my elderly and my minor dependants and the only way to ensure the welfare of both is for my child to accompany me. S/he will therefore not be in school on 23 May as I previously informed you."

Then again I would probably threaten to sue the LEA if they subsequently fined me on the basis that their decision is incompatible with their duty to put the welfare of the child first.

BackforGood · 16/05/2014 11:13

What Chocco said.

mummytime · 16/05/2014 11:40

I don't think they can fine you for 1 day of unauthorised absense. I have done this when we needed to drive to a wedding and pick up my FIL on the way. The only day DS missed was the last 1/2 day of the summer term, when no learning would take place.

I would just take your child and go.

mummymeister · 16/05/2014 12:08

mummytime, they can fine you for one days absence. whether they do or not depends on the policy of your school and LEA. our schools are fining for everything even one day with kids who have had good attendance. others on MN have been told no fines unless it is more than 5 days. it just depends. just because your LEA might not fine doesn't mean you can assume that they are all the same. in any case, my suggestion is to make sure that the OP gets is as authorised absence then the fine or not to fine issue doesn't apply

maddy68 · 16/05/2014 12:47

School won't do anything. Honestly. Just go

Icimoi · 16/05/2014 12:52

Are there ways round this? E.g can OH look after youngest? Could the able-bodied SIL make arrangements for her kids for one day so that you can travel on the Saturday?

starfishmummy · 16/05/2014 13:01

I would be sending OH to look after his mother

BarbarianMum · 16/05/2014 13:01

Is there really no other way? Couldn't one of your brothers (or are they MiL's SiLs) take Friday off and you go on the Saturday? Couldn't your mum go into a nursing home for a day or two rather than a week?

On the face of it YANBU but I kind of see things from the school's point of view too - most families have something going on (sick relative etc) and it does seem strange that the only way this can be handled is to take a child out of school.

Ultimately though it is the Government making these rules not the school, though.

breakfastnotattiffanys · 16/05/2014 13:02

With your circumstances as described our school would allow as code c "exceptional circumstances" Sorry I have used circumstances twice!

BarbarianMum · 16/05/2014 13:03

Oh apologies - it's your MiL so I guess the SiL are yours Blush

arethereanyleftatall · 16/05/2014 13:20

you cite the reason as your sil not doing it is because she lives an hour away and has children. But do you not live further? Also, why can't your dh do it? Sorry if I crosspost,, got interrupted.

fascicle · 16/05/2014 13:31

Ask to see the head teacher in person, so you can present your case. It could make all the difference.

Shockers · 16/05/2014 13:51

It isn't fair as it will go down as an unauthorised absence, but I believe the fine only starts from the fifth day of absence. In the grand scheme of things, is one day's unauthorised absence worth losing sleep over?

Original poster
BooBoo68 · 16/05/2014 17:01

Wow, thank you all, I am blown away with all the quick responses here.
Your information & views are all very useful.
To answer some of the points posters have raised:
We're not worried about "cost" of a fine....late booking prices will already mean we'll pay three times what we'd normally pay for all FOUR of us to make the same journey, as we normally book well ahead, so a small fine is neither here or there. But does such a fine come with any repercussions on child's school record or criminal endorsements for us?
The form simply had a tick in a "NOT GRANTED" box.
I'm really conflicted with the lie aspect of it & would never, ever encourage my child to lie, but equally I would never encourage him to put his Grandmothers welfare/health at risk either.
Documentary evidence could be provided if requested of her surgery, which took place this morning, but I haven't been asked to provide any.
While I see the point about citing cheap holidays in Spain, it's not something we would do.
Neither SIL's children have the same half-term week we have. Able bodied SIL cannot arrange alternative for her child & would be unable to stay overnight. SIL with back problem has been told categorically by her Doctor to NOT do this (I suspect she'd risk permanent paralysis if she did.) OH is self employed & would lose 6 days pay, plus compromise the large scale contract he's managing. Both MIL & OH would be uncomfortable with him undertaking personal care necessities.
I actually do see this as an exceptional circumstance, (would be interested to know how these are worked out?) & would not have requested the day off otherwise. It is not a request to "see family" at all, it is a request to "ensure MIL's safety", period.
Having read all your comments, I will request to see the Head personally & outline the circumstances in more detail than I could in 2 lines on the form. If we're still refused, I will give them written notice that our child will not be attending on that day. Even if they are not happy about it, it seems more honest than crying sick.
Thank you all for replying.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 16/05/2014 17:21

Although I feel that this should come under exceptional circumstances and the head does have some leeway, wouldn't it be easier to just tell the hospital staff that nobody can be there on the 23rd but you will be able to look after her from the 24th?

What are your plans for if they discharge her earlier? Five days from today is the 21st. Why have you chosen the 23rd?

littlesupersparks · 16/05/2014 17:31

Don't worry. The worst will be a fine. It will not be held against your child at all. I definitely agree with talking direct to head though.