to not know how to help my upset 7 yr old?

[choplouey]

My dd is 7 and her father and I have been separated since she was a baby. He sees her once per fortnight and never sees or speaks to her in between and doesn't have her in school holidays, although I have offered more contact. He is a very selfish man and will take dd or leave dd while he does a hobby he has the rest of the fortnight to do. He lets her eat and do whatever she likes and promises the world yet lets her down. She's very protective of him - for example, last weekend she listed over 12 films she'd watched that weekend and I said 'did you do anything besides watch films?' in an enquiring, not sarcastic, way and she jumped to his defense saying he was busy with doing his hobby/seeing his friends/he needed a rest from work etc.

Dd has always been upset for a couple of days before and after contact. When she was younger she was open about it being because she didn't want to go, but for the last 18 months she's insistent that she does but still has this inexplicable upset surrounding contact. Usually she never cries unless hurt and is happy, outgoing, mature, energetic and so on. In the days before and after contact she'll cry at the drop of a hat (because a car squashed a daisy ) and is lethargic and reclusive. I've tried speaking to her but all she does is change the subject - I'm not sure she even understands her feelings.

If I reprimand her over something she'll rush off and make her father a letter saying she loves him - but otherwise doesn't mention him. She tells me she misses me and wants to phone me but I know he doesn't allow her to or to talk about her life with me.

Six years after separation I'd have thought dd shouldn't have to be upset anymore and I'm at a loss as to why and how to help. I thought an outside perspective might shed some light. Aibu to ask if you have any ideas and what I could do to help?

I think she's feeling upset because it is becoming clear to her that she has a selfish father who has little time for her, is not really concerned about her welfare and doesn't actually care for her very much at all.
This sort of rejection is harder in some ways to deal with than having a parent you never see.

Not sure what you can do about it though. Is there any way you could reduce contact without your daughter feeling it was her choice (ie she's rejecting her dad)?

He only has her two nights per month as it is so no, I can't reduce it. He's very concerned with his 'rights' to dd and would never give contact up altogether.

I just don't get the being protective of him recently, until 18 months ago she'd have come home complaining he said they'd do something but it didn't materialise, but now she excuses all his broken promises.

She's not really defending him - she's defending herself from the truth, poor love.

I hope someone with some ideas reads your OP. I'm sadly sure you're not the only one in this position.

My boys also have a Disney dad who fills them full of sugar, has no boundaries, lets them stay up late then shoves a DVD on for them to fall asleep to. It takes them a couple of days usually to get back into our routine if he's had them for longer than a weekend. They also defend the things they do & rush to his defence if I make any criticism. So I don't criticize him. The point being that a lot of dads who don't have residency tend to bend the rules so the children enjoy being with them. My ex tries to make himself more fun than me, which he is undoubtedly is as he doesn't have to do the mundane everyday stuff like insisting homework is done! All this can be ignored, as long as your DD is safe then let him get on with it. Out of interest who does he leave her with when he does his hobby?

Your DD sounds confused & pulled in different directions. When she was younger & didn't want to go & visit him, did she have to go anyway? Not judging, just trying to see what would have changed for her in the past 18 months. She sounds conflicted & as if she has 2 separate lives, one with each parent & the 2 can't be mingled.

If you have an amiable relationship with him then tell him that she should be able to discuss her life with either parent in front of the other one. She should also be allowed to take her toys between houses & to phone you when she wants. Tell him neither parent should express any opinion of the other parent to her, as its not what she needs to hear.

I think you're doing all the right things, & she will need love & understanding when she is upset .

onetired the thing is, she doesn't enjoy it. She enjoys being outside and active. We spend weekends swimming, seeing friends, walking the dog, at soft play, at the park, on days out or trampolining at home but themost iimportant thing to her is that we're doing things together. If I said the plans for the weekend were her watching films alone (as she does at her fathers) she'd hate it and complain. The food gives her tummy ache and she spends no real time with him. Even on thecar jjourney she plays on his phone rather than chat

Yes, when she didn't want to go she had to anyway. He's always insisted she loves it there and is really well behaved and extremely happy etc. But if that's the case,iI don't get why he wouldn't see her more. He practically drops her and runs away after contact, I can't bear the thought of not seeing her for two weeks and don't get how he can choose it. Maybe dd has realised most parents are more involved.