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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Thoroughly pissed off with DH's family for not recognising me doing a PhD as a 'job' or 'work'

55 replies

IckleIrt · 15/05/2014 11:19

Just had enough and need to rant. I left a very good career to do a PhD, this PhD represents a planned directional change for me career wise and I was lucky enough to secure a good scholarship and teach alongside it, all in all I bring in about 20k most of which is tax free, so to me this is an ok income for the time being, it is less than what I was on, but to DH and I it is more about being happy in a career than chasing money (obviously once we are earning enough to live off that is). DH and I planned for this financially and adjusted accordingly. DH's family treat it like a hobby, something I can pick up and put down as I want and laugh at me for taking it so seriously. I have 2 'study' days a week and the rest of the time I fit it into evenings and weekends around caring for my two young children (both pre-school). I work bloody hard to get this done and so fed up with the attitude that it doesn't matter, isn't a 'job' and is just my hobby. They criticise me for leaving my old job and putting us in a financially harder position and often suggest I'm selfish in doing this. They completely ignore the fact that it gives me much more flexibility to be with my children (part of the reason for our timing of the move) I have to complete on time, we cannot afford or me to run over the scholarship, and to secure the career I am going for I have to do well. I stick to a strict timetable and push myself hard, and I absolutely love it, just wish it wasn't such a joke to everyone else. Have to say DH is very supportive as are my family (they do the childcare to support), but we spend ALOT of time with DH's family due to caring needs and business. Sorry rant over, but AIBU to be a little irritated by this?

OP posts:

gordyslovesheep · 15/05/2014 11:20

why does it matter what they think? Seriously ?

also paragraphs - sorry but I found your post hard to read

good luck with your PHD x

ThinkFirst · 15/05/2014 11:25

No, YANBU. It's none of their business.

Tell them it was a joint decision made by both you and your DH, one which you are both happy about, it doesn't affect them in any way and it's none of their business.

callamia · 15/05/2014 11:25

Welcome to academia!
No one understands us. My in-laws think I just arse around all day, with some very occasional teaching (you know, like the students do). I don't care. I know what I do, and so does my husband (and bizarrely, my nan). When you are finished, and in a better career then they'll see that it was worth it. It's just hard for some people to understand the 'risk' of starting a postgrad study against a 'safe' job.

MrsTaraPlumbing · 15/05/2014 11:26

I understand what you are saying.
I am amazed anyone completes a PHD when they have kids.
I am very sad that I didn't complete mine and the main reason was the huge time commitment.
Lucky you got support from partner and your side of the family.
Try to ignore the inlaws they don't understand.
It doesn't go on forever so just look forward to the day they have to call you Dr!

MammaTJ · 15/05/2014 11:27

I am lucky in that my inlaws support me in my degree, always ask how I am doing. I don't even have a wage as such while doing it, just a bursary.

My DM on the other hand.................................

As long as your DH is supportive, I get that it will be a bit irritating but it doesn't really matter.

PumpkinPie2013 · 15/05/2014 11:28

YANBU - a PhD is a huge undertaking in itself and coupled with teaching and looking after a family is even bigger.

It's none of their business anyway!

I'd be tempted to adopt a broken record approach of: me and dh are happy with the choices we have made for our family. Then repeat at necessary.

Original poster

IckleIrt · 15/05/2014 11:30

Lol gordy you're right about structure, I'd be commenting like mad if my students produced this! Also wish I didn't care, just sometimes I tire of it and hear it daily.

callamia thanks I think they think that exactly, and in truth I can't remember ever working harder! or being happier work wise for that matter! However none of them have even been students, so think it is a very alien concept to them.

OP posts:

Topaz25 · 15/05/2014 11:34

If your DH is so supportive, why doesn't he explain to his family that this was a joint decision and they need to back off?

Original poster

IckleIrt · 15/05/2014 11:36

He does Topaz they just don't listen or get it.

OP posts:

crazyspaniel · 15/05/2014 11:41

If you're planning a career in academia, I should warn you that it won't stop when you finish your PhD. I've been a lecturer for ten years and I can't seem to change my parents' belief that I am "on holiday" (and not still working 50+ hours a week) when it's not term time. You'll have to put up with friends, family, neighbours, etc., constantly asking "are you on holiday now?".

Miggsie · 15/05/2014 11:46

My friend did an MBA and her MIL said "ooh you'll be able to get a nice office job with some filing, that will be cushy."

She doesn't see her MIL much now.

If people criticise like this you just say "It's my life and my decision. I don't criticise your decisions"
DH once said to my mother "If you don't like the way we live you can leave" and she never criticised our life choices again.

My MIL even now does not understand what with I or DH do for a living.

If your PIL really don't understand you can just say "you don't know what you are talking about please shut up" as a last resort. Or ignore them.

ithaka · 15/05/2014 11:48

It sounds very annoying. I can slightly empathise as my hobby in horse riding & at one stage I was competing at quite a high level (representing my country in national competitions). My MIL was so patronising, it was unbelievable (though in fairness my FIL was lovely & supportive).

I think it would pain her to acknowledge I was capable of achieving anything worthwhile and being respected by a wide group of people for my achievements & that my family should in any way need to make adjustments to accommodate my abilities and ambitions.

In my MIL's case, I think she is quite a thwarted person and that is why she doesn't like seeing me going out and getting what I want - so she has to belittle it and put it down. Whereas my FIL was a contented man & loved to hear about my competitions. Would you say your in laws were happy with their lot?

bibliomania · 15/05/2014 11:49

Ha, crazy, my parents have been nudging me towards a career in university because the hours and so great and you get such long summer holidays.

Just smile and nod. They don't understand, and you can't make them. Your DH and your family get it, that's what matters.

BranchingOut · 15/05/2014 11:50

I think the key is never to describe yourself as a PhD student, but always as a researcher.

You are not going upstairs to 'study', you are going upstairs to do your 'research work'.

crazyspaniel · 15/05/2014 11:52

Well, yes, biblio - the hours are great. If by "great" you are using the definition "immense, of large proportions", etc!

Original poster

IckleIrt · 15/05/2014 11:53

That's a good way of looking at it ithaka. No my in-laws are not happy with their lot at all, actually they are thoroughly miserable with most parts of it. It frustrates the hell out of me as I have the approach that if you're unhappy, try to sort it out, adjust, change - life is too short; they have the attitude if you're unhappy just put up with it, be miserable, and it is obviously someone else's fault and therefore someone else should sort it out!

OP posts:

Original poster

IckleIrt · 15/05/2014 11:54

Good point branching. Thanks all, nice to know I am not alone in this experience!

OP posts:

bibliomania · 15/05/2014 12:09

Sounds awesome, crazy. And I am actually awed at the hours academics work.

SATSmadness · 15/05/2014 12:15

I think the glut of SAHPs doing a self-funded PhD once they are no longer tied to working outside the home has rather dragged down the accepted level of achievement.

Your ILs may be influenced by other people they see doing it elsewhere.

TinyDiamond · 15/05/2014 12:21

I understand. Fuck em. Have a gin. Keep going with it

hettie · 15/05/2014 12:24

Self funded Phd ... Would I be in that category then? I have to pay some of my costs, but interestingly the academic standards are the same. God knows why it would be seen as any less of and an achievement, I still have to do the research, write the equivalent of a book on it, all to doctoral level standard. And in my case I still work outside the home (in a related field)...

IceBeing · 15/05/2014 12:27

sats erm what now? you think the value of a phd is being decreased? Faster or slower than the values of A-levels and undergrad degrees?

AliceInSandwichLand · 15/05/2014 12:28

Ouch, SATS. I am embarking on a part time MA hopefully to be followed by a PhD which may or may not be self funding. I can't imagine the standard of achievement will be magically easier if I do end up having to pay for it myself, but perhaps I'm naive. Surely it's more likely that the OP's in laws just don't know anything about academia?
Stick to your guns and keep going, OP! Anyone who knows anything about it will appreciate how much effort you are putting in, and you can't take the ignorant ones personally.

MaidOfStars · 15/05/2014 12:35

I'll bet they change their tune once they can preen about their Dr In-law

Self-funded PhDs are, in my field (biology), something of a hot potato at the moment, with suggestions of purchasing power being prioritized over academic ability. I have seen it first-hand, with colleagues and with students I've been involved with. However, this is because self-funding is still relatively rare. Quality projects attract research council funding that adds prestige, therefore self-funded students/projects are "intuitively" deemed second-rate, which isn't always fair, but more likely to be so than with a research council funded project.

Isn't self-funding fairly common for arts PhDs?

PlumBear · 15/05/2014 12:39

I got my PhD in January, and I understand every word you've said. I found my PhD incredibly hard, and the experience was only made worse by the snide, stupid and downright rude comments I got from other people - "Gosh, are you still at uni?!", "what are you going to do with that, then?" (my PhD was in English literature) and "When are you going to get a real job?".

So demoralising, and it really got me down. Last year, I only took 2 weeks holiday and almost had a nervous breakdown. I was working 11-12 hour days towards the end. YANBU.

My advice? At the beginning, I used to feel like I had to apologise for my PhD. By the end, I was so fucked off that I let everyone know just how hard i was working: the hours, the weekend working, the lack of holidays. If someone wanted to just "pop round" during the day, I would say no and make it very clear that I was working. People got the hint, eventually.

to you. What you're doing is amazing, esp with kids. Ultimately, some people are just ignorant about what a PhD actually entails, and don't mean to offend. Others definitely do though. And people can be very jealous.

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