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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this will never change

8 replies

Octopirate · 14/05/2014 22:05

When I first met my DH he was in the forces and was deployed a lot. While he was away I wrote to him every day without fail, even when working shifts etc. I think out of all the deployments he went on I only received 3 letters from him. On a few occasions he admitted that he had opportunities to write to me but didn't as he simply didn't know what to say so it would go a few weeks without hearing anything from him. I was upset that I did not hear from him, I accepted that this was due to the circumstances that he was in.

DH left the army a couple of years ago and has found a new job that also requires a certain amount of travelling, albeit more flexible. He has still continued to be rubbish with communication, the first few days he would call every day but it would soon fade off. I have told him how important communication is to me while he goes away, even if it is just a quick email to say he is thinking of me. I do try and call/contact him but it often goes unanswered for days at a time. We will end up having a conversation about it when he gets back and he promises that next time will be better.

We now have a 6 Month old DS and he is currently away on the first longish trip since he was born (3 weeks). Things started off well and he called/skyped every day, however the past few days he seems to have disappeared again, I managed to get through to him yesterday but we only had a very brief conversation as he was on the way out for dinner with his work colleagues and he promised to call me back later which never happened. It makes me feel really awful, I am here on my own with DS in a relatively new area with few friends and no family around so I would really appreciate something from him. I feel so frustrated that he knows it's important to me but just continues. I would have thought he would at least would want to hear about DS.

He is fine when he is home, no complaints, it's just when he is away, however the longer he goes away the more he gets paid and we need the money. But we need to keep our relationship running while he is away.

AIBU to think that he is being a bit rubbish, I don't think this will change all the while he is going away, or do I sound a bit clingy?

OP posts:
KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 14/05/2014 22:11

You do sound a bit clingy but if that's how you are then that's how you are, don't feel bad about it.

He's probably just too busy working to think about calling you.

I don't think men see communication the same way.

Not sure what the answer is though.

Octopirate · 14/05/2014 22:30

Your right, he does not see communication the same way as I do, however I have explained to him that I would like one form of communication every day. His job is not so demanding that he can't put aside 5 minutes of his day for his spouse.

OP posts:
FloozeyLoozey · 14/05/2014 22:35

Actually op, given you are at home alone with a baby and no support, and given how easy communication is nowadays, yanbu. Takes a minute to send a text.

maddy68 · 15/05/2014 00:42

It's a tricky one. Forces folk are used to long periods without communication and actually see that are conditioned to believe it helps them cope with absences and periods apart. You however have a different need. I do think a once a day text isn't too much to ask even if it's a 'love you goodnight' text!

UncleT · 15/05/2014 00:49

YANBU. Your need is perfectly understandable. If you tell him it's so important to you, he should respect that. Doesn't sound like you are asking for hours of face time every day.

CoffeeTea103 · 15/05/2014 00:51

Yanbu, wanting to speak to your spouse is something you should feel naturally, not work on promises and feelings of obligation. Especially since he is away from his child he should want to keep in contact because he wants to and not because he is asked to.

Fideline987654321 · 15/05/2014 01:00

YANBU. Does he not even text?

BillyBanter · 15/05/2014 01:07

Would it be possible to come to a compromise of at least one text a day and speak on the phone every 2 or 3 days? I know this isn't ideal for you but if it might be he can stick to this better than starting off at the every day as you want then slipping into no comms for several days. He's probably not going to change and as a pp said it may make it easier on him to limit contact. You each have a very different approach and the reasons behind these are unlikely to change.

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