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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

BIL and childcare

22 replies

flixybelle · 14/05/2014 19:08

My husbands brother very kindly has my dd4 one morning a week while I am at uni and has done since September last year.

About 8 weeks ago he got a new job and can no longer have my dd that morning. Which is not a problem in itself as I re arranged child care and appreciate the fact he has had her for the majority of the year. (BTW It wasn't about saving money but as my uni is an hour away I liked the fact she could have a chill out in morning and relax, she goes to nursery 2 long days a week.) At the time he got this job he told me not to worry about my 4 exams as on those he would still be able to have her and had cleared this with his employer (as there were no spaces in nursery on those days and they are at odd time of the day) the day before my first exam he called and said 'oh sorry I cant have her I cant afford to miss the day' I was really mad but luckily a good friend stepped in and my husband has taken time off. I asked about the following week and he said that he wasn't working so no problem. As it happens my very wonderful Aunt died and the funeral is now on this day I managed to rearrange my exam but called my BIL to check he could have my DD so I could go the funeral he said yes no problem. I have now just received a phone call to say that he can no longer have dd (funeral tomorrow) as he is working. AIBU to be furious and upset about having to sort this amongst grieving and revising??
I will add that my only family are all going to the funeral and the rest of my inlaws categorically refused to have dd.

OP posts:

Atbeckandcall · 14/05/2014 19:10

He definitely sounds annoying. I'd re-arrange childcare now for all other exams.

Phineyj · 14/05/2014 19:10

It's always annoying when people let you down, but I would find it odd to be relying on my BIL more than my DH to help out in an emergency.

HecatePropylaea · 14/05/2014 19:13

i'm sorry about your aunt.

sounds like he maybe feels bad that he can't really help out any more so is hoping that he can? I don't know.

whatever it is, Id say make other arrangements for the remaining days he had initially said he could help because the chances are he's going to be unable to again. who knows, maybe his boss is changing their mind at the last minute?

Do you have a friend who might be able to help you out?

CoffeeTea103 · 14/05/2014 19:14

Sorry but really you have no place to be angry with him considering what's he's done so far. You shouldn't be angry because you should expect your DH to step up. Considering that he spoke to his employer in the first place, maybe something has just come up at work.

Original poster

flixybelle · 14/05/2014 19:17

Thanks for the replies. I am not relying more on BIL to help in an emergency, apologies if thats how it reads. My DH is coming to the funeral with me as he was also very close to her. Hence why he wasn't having our dd, and for my exams my DH was working and as we had childcare covered didn't need to take time off or so he thought.
I had already organised alternative childcare for my exams as I didn't want to be in that position again. I just didn't think he would let me down for such an important day and said I was being unreasonable to expect him to stick to it when his work has changed.

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Original poster

flixybelle · 14/05/2014 19:20

In what way should my DH step up? I sort of understand regarding exams (not impressed ) as my degree shouldn't take precedent over his work, but letting me down the day before the funeral of a close relative , I really am bu to be upset and let down?

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CoffeeTea103 · 14/05/2014 19:22

I understand that it is stressful, but considering that he reliably kept up this arrangement for a year, I would think him canceling on you was to do with something coming up at work. Your DH should be making arrangements for you seeing this is a difficult time.

Original poster

flixybelle · 14/05/2014 19:26

Nothing came up at work as such he was just offered an extra days work. He's an agency worker. I am not sure what my DH could do? He was already taking the day off to attend the funeral with me and now obviously will look after our DD instead.

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MaryWestmacott · 14/05/2014 19:33

I think when some people say they will do xyz, they mean they will try to do xyz. If nothing else stops them, then they will, but these people often will have given you every impression that it's all confirmed, when actually it's not yet so they end up sometimes having to let you down at the last minute. Usually they think they are being more helpful in saying they will do whatever it is, so you don't have to worry, but really it would be far better if they told you that they might not be able to do it and gave you chance to line up a plan b.

From now on, your bil's offers of childcare are a hope he'll be able to do it, don't rely on him as he is the sort to say he can do something even if it's not a 100% commitment.

Can you take dd with you to the funeral? Sit near the end of the pew and your DH can take her outside if she starts messing about/ making noise. You'll still have DH with you for the bulk of the day. Or call round all your friends tonight, most people would take her in the circumstances.

I'm sure your bil wants to help out, but he's no good at saying "i might not be able to".

QuizzicalCat · 14/05/2014 19:36

In the current climate agency workers who aren't available whenever there is work tend to get replaced.

Keeping his job is dependent on him being available when there is work.

That's how it works.

You want a person in an unstable form of employment to turn down work to look after your child, possibly jeopardising his job, and it's highly likely that it would impact on how much work he is offered in future.

You have been really lucky for a year, he's clearly a very good guy, but as an agency worker he HAS to work when work is offered. YABU if you think he should jeopardise that to give you free childcare.

I'm sorry for your loss, but he isn't being unreasonable, it's completely believable that he got virtually no notice too. Agency working is a shit situation to be in, you are completely at the mercy of your employer, and can be finished whenever for whatever.

Original poster

flixybelle · 14/05/2014 19:49

Mary you may be right and he is fairly young. I am just hurt that someone could leave me in the lurch in this way. Its really not practical to take my dd because as my aunt was clergy its a very long service followed by the crem I am currently asking my friends. I won't ever ask him to babysit in important circumstances again.
Quizz he has no intention of keeping his job he going away for 12 weeks from June. I agree he is great and I am very lucky he looks after my dd. He got a few days notice but didn't tell me till now, its not about FREE childcare its about having NO childcare I would happily pay the nursery fee if need be and even offered to pay for his day of pay. You may be perfectly right as he seems to think it acceptable and perhaps I just have a different outlook in thinking if you make a commitment to someone you should fulfil it if you possibly can.

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Artandco · 14/05/2014 19:59

I would say get your dh to step up also. Format he have the standard 4 weeks holidays plus bank holidays a year? Surely he could have used 4 of them when you had exams?

I would also take baby to funeral. If long do 30 mins each and swap who takes baby outside for 30mins.

Original poster

flixybelle · 14/05/2014 20:12

My husband is a teacher so obviously cant take holidays like that. Hence why we needed childcare. I really don't want to take dd selfishly perhaps but I want to be able to grieve and I don't think its the place for a 4year old and I don't want to miss half the service. DH will stay home if need be.

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Original poster

flixybelle · 14/05/2014 20:14

ps Thank you for the replies as I do appreciate an alternative view point to mine and maybe I am bu due to stress etc.

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mimishimmi · 15/05/2014 01:03

YABU to be annoyed that he offered and he reneged at the last minute. YWBU to expect that he turn down work in favour of looking after your DD for free or some nominal sum, especially if he's just establishing his career now. I would ask him if he'd agree to being a backup carer if you have to ring him at the last minute and he's available. I would not rely on him for regular care booked weeks in advance especially since he really doesn't know his own schedule.

CatThiefKeith · 15/05/2014 07:38

I am at how many people don't think it's a bit off to let someone down the day before an important funeral.

Agency worker or not, if a member of my family did that I would be really hurt .

Appalling behaviour.

Whocansay · 15/05/2014 08:17

Maybe he's hoping you'll turn round and offer him cash to do it?

I think it's a nasty thing to do to drop you in it at the last minute though. Certainly for something so emotional as a funeral. Just don't rely on him again.

Original poster

flixybelle · 15/05/2014 08:31

Thanks Cat and Who I was beginning to think I was crazy to be upset. I won't be relying on him in future! Thankfully a good friend is having my dd and picking our other dd from school and then another friend is doing bed time etc. (Funeral is 1hr away and doesn't start till 3pm) I am lucky to have such great friends.

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Teeb · 15/05/2014 08:47

I wouldn't be too hard on your bil. He's helped you out massively over the past year and created a strong bond with his niece, which is a lovely thing for your child. Some employers can be really harsh with their staff, particularly agency ones, and pile on the pressure to be at their beck and call or the employees name will get bumped down the list. It's not just paying for this one shift, but could you cover the cost of all of your bil's future shifts if he were to lose hours over being 'difficult/inflexible'? He's a young man trying to earn some money for himself in a short time (12 week contract, is he saving up to go away or will he be unemployed then?) it was inconsiderate of him to let you down at short notice, but perhaps he really didn't want to.

Ragwort · 15/05/2014 08:48

I agree it is very disappointing when people let you down, particularly for a funeral but I do find so many people are 'flakey' in their comittments and, as someone said further up the thread, are only prepared to do something 'if nothing better comes up'.

Personally if I make a comittment I always stick to it - I have missed some fabulous opportunities over the years - last year we were invited to a wedding in Prague which sounded lovely but I had offered to cook at a cub camp and didn't want to let them down. .

I've learned over the years though that you can't impose your own 'moral standards' on other people. I am spending my precious day off work today doing something I really don't want to do, I could say no but it would let so many people down - but I don't want to sound like a martyr .

Original poster

flixybelle · 15/05/2014 09:31

Ragwort I think you hit the nail on the head about imposing my own standards. DH and I come from very different families and I just don't get their attitude sometimes. Teeb he's saving to travel this summer and then will be back in sept for his final year of his degree.

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starlight1234 · 15/05/2014 09:47

I completely understand why you are upset.

The 2 issues are separate..he has done you a great favour having DD while you were at Uni but sorting out childcare short notice is hard.

He may not have a choice or at least feel he doesn't but he should of said if work doesn't come up. If he has been out of work for a while he simply may not be able to afford to turn down work.

I would be upset but keep it to myself and know he is no longer a reliable childcare option

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