About the rude thing this pinchy faced woman said?

[BelleOfTheBoys]

Am fuming over something I think is actually quite trivial.

MIL on phone to her friend today, on speakerphone. I am there with baby DS and friend is aware she is on speaker, and that I am present.

Discussion turns to the upcoming wedding of a friend we all know. It is a low key do and I have been asked to do the bride's hair. I am not a hairdresser (at all) but I'm a bit deft at fancy updos and have done this before. I did MIL's hair for SIL's wedding a year ago.

MIL is describing the style to her friend. Friend snorts and goes 'well, good luck with that after the mess that Belle perpetrated on you last year'

Cue awkward silence while we all pretend that no one just heard the pinchy faced cow friend be rude about me (and also MIL) on speaker for us all to hear.

Now. I am fuming as this woman has form for being really rude to and about me, and my kids, and my house, and my figure. BUT. Mil didn't say anything. To me or in reply. Does this mean that a) MIL hated her hair and this is a conversation they have had before? Or b) MIL liked her hair and friend is just rude but MIL didn't want to make a fuss? Or c) Maybe they all really genuinely think I didn't hear it.

Perpetrated? How do you perpetrate a hairstyle on someone?

Fume fume fume. Please come and call her names with me tell me I'm all grumpy over nothing?

Are you sure your MIL did hate it and that she bitched to PFW? If your MIL is not very confident about what to do with her hair, then even if she liked it herself, she is more likely to believe one negative comment (from PFW) than any number of compliments from others. She may well think the complimenters were being kind and the PFW the only one who told the 'truth'. Especially if PFW is one of those people who pride themselves on 'telling it like it is' (usually a euphemism for bitching)

This woman has form. I wouldn't even assume that your MIL has complained to PFW. It could be that PFW commented on your MILs hair that day a la...

"Hi Belle's MIL, Nice wedding. Your hair is shit by the way!"

and your MIL was equally shocked and blown away and didn't respond. Just because PFW has referred back to it doesn't necessarily mean they agreed the up-do wasn't nice.

Go with the sad voice to speak to MIL as suggested earlier.

Don't tolerate PFW. Don't put her on speakerphone, have her in your home or allow anyone to carry stories back to you that involve her. Make it clear to people she has offended you too many times and support you in your efforts to remove her from your life.

Sorry - post. Totally agree with Rusty and tobias

Mil will have endured a thousand moments like this. They will seem normal to her:(

Happily not to you- be socially superficially polite. Convey your disdain through indifference and don't allow any rudeness. Never ask her did she mean to be rude just tell her you are finding her comments rude and would like her to stop making them.

You are describing a relative of mine. I notice she is actually rather nice about me when she is a cow bag to all of those who try and appease her. Feel sorry for her but very self inflicted...

I think Rusty has it - MIL was all chuffed with her hair, then PFW was all 'what have you done to your hair' which knocked MIL's confidence and made her feel shit, now she believes she looked shit when actually she looked amazing.

PFW sounds like a right coo.

But don't let it get to you - Oh I know, I'll ask Belle to do my hair so I can look really shit on my wedding day said no bride ever.

Looks like PFW dislikes you and was being deliberately rude. MIL was probably very happy with her hair. How long has MIL known her for, as it sounds like PFW has taken on the surrogate role of the 'no one is good enough for my son' MIL - especially as it seems like you get on with real MIL ok?

Anyway, she's not even a relative so pull her up every time she's rude, avoid when possible, and if you do see her then make sure you're armed with some choice barbed comments. Pitying remarks about her hair would do for a start.

Given that you get asked all the time to do people's hair and that you, the hairdresser present plus other guests all thought your mil's hair was lovely, I am guessing that it looked brilliant.

The important thing to remember about people like this woman is that if there is nothing she can bitch about, she will invent something. Don't let her knock your confidence - the bride knows what your up-dos look like and has asked you specially. Goodness only knows why your mil puts up with it. The length of the friendship is a peculiar excuse, I think! Life is too short! Someone needs to stand up to this über-bitch. Now THAT would be fun (but not at the wedding, obvs).

Sounds like PFW is my mum. Always ready with a bitchy comment just to get the attention, to be awkward and different.
Sounds like PFW will say anything for a reaction, and if people had commented on MIL's hair as being nice then PFW will say the opposite just beacause she can as she knows no one will challenge her and because she is a bitch.
She must be my mum!!

Do the brides hair and wait for the nice comments and say 'I did that' and be proud!

Who is this cunt bitch saying these horrible things?? A friend of your MILs?

The next time you or your DH hear her saying something, she needs to be told in no uncertain terms that she is a fucking cow out of order and to keep her fucking opinions to herself.

I agree that your MIL probably didn't want to cause a fuss. My nan would have been exactly the same and it does infuriate me at times.

I would have a conversation with your MIL, something like "I overheard bitch face's x's comment about your hair that I did last year, I was wondering if you actually weren't that keen on it?" Give her a chance to actually tell you so you aren't forever wondering if you are crap (which you can't be if a bride wants you to do her wedding hair) and let her know that you clearly did hear what PFW said.

PFW sounds jealous of you, why else would she make horrible comments about her friends DIL?

The problem with asking MIL what she thinks of her hairdo is that she'll almost certainly say she loved it.

Then the OP will wonder if she really meant it or was just saying that.

I'm a big fan of confrontation but there are times when you should just drop it.

Oh, the MIL is not the one to confront, though I would probably have a quiet word, not asking her whether she liked her hairdo, but making it plain the OP heard what her nasty friend said on the phone and does not appreciate it. Then, whenever anyone tries to pass on the nasty woman's unpleasant remarks in future, the OP needs to say 'Why are you telling me something so rude? Please don't repeat X's drivel again.' Make it plain you are not amused, and don't appreciate the fact that everyone seems unprepared to challenge this woman's bad behaviour. If she says anything to the OP directly, she should say 'Could you repeat that? What do you mean?'

I'm willing to bet PFW sneered at the photos, knowing you'd done the hair for your MIL. Ruining not only your confidence, but your MIL's mood too.

Poor MIL having a 'friend' like this. I'd ask never to have anything PFW says repeated to you ever again. Cut MIL off if necessary and explain that while PFW is her friend she's never had a good thing to say about you and you're cutting the deadwood from your life.

Sorry if I miss a few things. Am on phone app and can't seem to scroll upthread?

Am going to ask SIL tomorrow if MIL liked her hair. SIL also hates PFW and sil is honest and straightforward - if MIL hated her hair SIL will certainly know. Then I will have put that to rest.

I adore my MIL. We were friends even before I met/married DH and we go back a long way. I have also known PFW for a long time. She and mil are like sisters really and she's kind of part of the family. Her rudeness is sort of a running joke in DH's family. Even when I've been about things she's said, it's kind of laughed off. She's often rude or upsetting to mil and MIL does occasionally just let loose about what a cow she is. Then we all go back I pretending she's just a batty old fart who's harmless really.

Next time she's rude to me directly I might well say something. The stuff about ds's hair was really upsetting and I don't want him hearing it. I can take an amount of rudeness to me but woe betide her if she starts on my kids! They can't stand her. DS once asked me if she was a witch (yes. Except I said no because I want my kids to have nice manners unlike some)

Spoke to bride this morning and confessed I was feeling a bit nervous but not why. She was great (luff her). Am going to do some practises and I trust her to be honest.

I think it's what a pp said: I'm not super confident, but I do my best and I love doing it. I've done bridesmaids dresses and even a couple of wedding dresses too. I'm doing the flowers for this wedding and the cake too, which I've done before. I must be ok or people wouldn't keep asking me, but because I'm not trained and weddings are important to people, I'm nervous and I think I can see all the mistakes and stuff I've not done perfectly. But even when I've had compliments on what I've done, I think people are just being nice, because who actually says oh, that wedding cake is shit, isn't it? apart from PFW even if it is shit. So despite hundreds of nice things said, one crappy comment like that and it confirms in my head that I'm rubbish and people just ask me to do this stuff because they feel sorry for me or something. Mil and I are pretty similar. I bet that's what happened. Thank you

Sheesh. That sounds a bit mental I'm actually ok, I think I'm just aghast at the sheer rudeness - to me and mil - and I'm getting to the end of my tolerance for this woman.

I'm fine, really.

I hate people like this woman.

I have a couple in my family that seem to get away with saying what they like. No one will ever pull them up on their behaviour. It tends to be "oh there's no point, she won't listen and just walk away" so they get to be as rude as they like. Does my head in. Luckily I don't have to see too much of them.

Is PFW my MIL?

Probably not as she's not Pinchy Faced, but her rudeness is legendary. Totally PA rude or direct rude, but it's OK coz she doesn't mean it, see?

Can I just say, belle, that you sound really cool and like the kind of person I would love as a pal. (That sounded weird and stalkery). You get the tone just right, obviously have great relationships with people and sound fun and very kind.

Bollocks to pfw.

Your poor MIL sounds like a proper doormat (unless she's colluding in the bitchiness of her friend). This friend is a toxic disgrace. Can you avoid her/ban her from the house? Get DH to do that so your MIL doesn't blame you for it. You seriously don't need bitches like this in your life.

This is going to sound like I think you're shit and I don't, I promise but most people would rather have something that was 98% perfect and made with love than something that's 100% perfect out of M&S. Heart beats bland, every time.

I can tell by your posts you put your heart and soul into everything you do and you also sound like exactly the sort of person a nervous bride would want around her on the morning of her wedding. So courage! Down with pinchy ladies and up with hair!

Good grief - hair styling and wedding dresses and flowers and cakes! Why aren't you running a business? In fact, why aren't you running the country?

PFW is an arse. Don't have a thing with your MIL about it - I guess she's so used to putting up with it she didn't know what to do. But next time the silly cow says something, tell her clearly that she is a horribly rude and stupid PFW arse and that you won't put up with it. Your MIL may be a bit embarassed, but she's embarassed now anyway.

Enjoy the wedding!

You sound very talented indeed. People wouldn't ask you to do stuff if they didn't think so too.
I worked with someone, not quite in PFW league, but she always criticised and found fault with others. I decided that her opinion didn't matter to me because her default position on everything and everyone, was to criticise them.
That's the position you need with PFW, I agree though, she can sod off if she thinks it's okay to criticise your children. Keep them well away from her, and face up to her, if she starts that rubbish again. I wouldn't have her in my house either, to be honest.

Next time she's rude to me directly I might well say something.

Yes do. Have a few things prepared. I hate people like this and the way so many people never challenge them because "You know what she is like. She is too old to change now" etc., so they keep getting away with their appalling behaviour.

Even something simple and direct like "You know you really are the rudest woman I have ever met. I will never understand how MIL has stayed friends with you all these years"

Aw, shucks. Fanks What a bunch of lufflies you all are.

I've thought about a business. But I'm the main earner in our house and I have a very secure job. It's absolutely petrifying to think about leaving and striking out on my own, and as I say, I have no formal dressmaking/cake/hair training whatsoever. It's flattering to get asked though.

Mil is a bit of a pushover. But she's lovely so we forgive her. She does get taken advantage of if we don't keep an eye on her, though.

I can't really ban PFW from the house, mainly because I know mil would never hear the end of it and I don't want to do that to her. She only comes to ours occasionally (she hates kids and our place is an asylum at the best of times) so I only see her on occasions now - weddings, Christmas etc. I can probably bite my tongue a bit unless she's directly rude to me. I find my tolerance for peoples ill manners is much lower since I've had the boys, so maybe one day I'll be able to say something. Until then, I think it's just nodding while mil sounds off about her

I'm so bad at stuff like this. I kind of wish I'd said something straight away while she was on the phone. I'm always too chicken

Hmmmm pinchyface could possibly have been having a moment similar to some I've had over the years with a very good very lovely friend of mine. I think she sometimes forgets how loud her voice is or that other people can hear her, eg commenting on someone's clothing or hairstyle within what I'd class as earshot. She will also misremember / exaggerate past conversations we've had. Eg I'll mention a workmate I've had some minor issues with in the past, maybe something was said in a meeting that frustrated me or whatever. Then the person might get mentioned in passing, in front of someone else, and friend in question would cheerfully say something like 'oh is she the one that's a massive bitch?' (Cue mega cringe from me.) so possible in pinchyface's case MIL said something along the lines if feeling self conscious with such a formal 'do (and if she's not into dressing up a simple twist might have felt v different to her usual!), not meaning by any means that she didn't like it, but pinchyface has exaggerated over time to mean it was a disaster. (Key question: did pinchyface see MIL's 'do on the day?)

Oh, just read up thread that pinchyface us actually horrible, so my anecdotes not really relevant. But hopefully exonerates mil from any involvement in the whole thing!