"It was a joke..."

[matildasquared]

So for a little context I have this job in a charity providing professional services to vulnerable people. It's one of those really rewarding jobs which can also sometimes be a pain, etc. Anyway I've had a hard time lately with workload and with some really difficult clients.

It's not even worth getting into the details but I had a client-type person call me names and threaten to assault me today. I had to shut him out of the building and I made a police report as well as put a report in the incident log. I think I must be overtired or something because I went to tell my boss about it, all lighthearted, just informing her--and I suddenly broke down crying in her office! I was mortified, she was nice, life goes on.

I was walking to the train station after work and phoned my husband as usual, heard about his day. He asked me whether I'd had a good day and I said, "This guy threatened to assault me and I made a police report, so that was fun."

He said, "Oh, so [my male colleague] is down at the station being questionned then, huh?"

I was just like, "What? Why would he be questionned? He wasn't there."

He said, "It was a joke."

I couldn't figure out what he meant and then I realised I didn't care so I just said I'd see him later and I hung up.

He's apologised for "getting the tone wrong" and explained he'd just woken up from a nap.

No, I don't expect teddy bears and bunches of flowers but I do expect... not that.

If he got hold of the wrong end of the stick . . . well, we've all done that when we are just waking up. Tell him he's a twat; then kiss and make up.

I think the "joke" was that it was actually my male colleague who threatened me? Because that's funny?

I don't even feel angry at him. I'm just like, "Oh right, so that's you."

I agree with Andrewofgg

Also he might have interpreted your 'so that was fun' as you being light hearted, so tried to crack a silly joke.

Kick him in the shins and then put it behind you

Hope you're feeling ok after the assault incident

Thanks, I'm really not feeling okay. It was like the straw that broke Glenn Campbell's back.

He knows how I am too, I'm one of those "laugh-to-keep-from-crying" people, I often say, "so that happened," or "so that was fun," if I'm really upset.

Hope you are OK. I think it's plain your husband understood the situation, but was dealing with not knowing what to say by deliberately misunderstanding you. Not wildly amusing in the circumstances, but he was probably picking up on your black humour.

Yeah, I guess. How hard is it to say, "That's too bad," or "What a jerk," or "How about I make you some cheese fries?"

Is this the latest in a long line of your DH failing to read your mood or understand that something's upsetting you? Are you generally off-kilter as a couple? Or is all normally OK?

On the face of what you've told us - you sound tired and stressed, and shaken by what was clearly a very upsetting event. You didn't necessarily communicate that very well to your DH - the "so that was fun" sort of gives the message you're doing the stiff upper lip, life goes on thing - and he responded with a crap joke. He misread it, that's all - it happens.

But if he's always misreading things because he doesn't care enough to try not to - then I can see why you're bothered.

Do you have a debriefing set-up at work where you can talk about the incident? I admire people who work in your type of field. My sister works with addicts in another country, and makes occasional casual references to having someone who strangled a family member added to her client list.

He's a sympathetic person and we're normally in tune. With work it's like he doesn't want to hear it. I nearly didn't mention the assault thing because I knew he'd say something lame. Last week I was starting to say I felt stressed and needed to re-assess workload and his response was, "Aw, come on, you love your job." Okay.

Part of it might be that he's retired (older than I am). It might also be that a former partner of his had a rather serious breakdown triggered by awful work stuff. He was there for her 100% and she's absolutely great now, but now that I think of it I wonder if that's why he rushes to dismiss it if I mention that I'm stressed at work.

And I really don't go around moaning about work all the time, it's just every so often there'll be a big project or something.

And anyway the joke about my male colleague threatening to assault me was just creepy.