Alcoholic Parents

[Fish1981]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this site & wanted some advice. I'm 33 & due my first baby this Sept. My parents have been alcoholics my entire life & this has caused many issues in my own life. However, I have a successful career, a wonderful husband & am extremely happy a part from the situation with my parents.

They seem to think I should be their counsellor & parent & rely heavily on me for support. I have done everything I can but I have finally accepted it is not my place to be their support. I wrote them a letter explaining how their inconsistent behaviour makes me feel. Generally anxious & pretty frustrated.

They promise over & over again they are cutting down drinking, to save money for the baby. Neither them of them work! But that is a whole other compliant.

The letter I wrote baring my soul was two weeks ago but I called in unexpected last night & they were both drunk drinking their usual combo of spirits, cheap horrible cider & wine.

They are proudly buying baby things for when the baby stays with them. I have made it clear I cannot trust to leave my child with them when they are still drinking.

They cannot see the issue, are in complete denial even swearing on my unborn child's life they weren't drunk even though they couldn't string a sentence together.

My mother in law will be regularly baby sitting & I know my parents will see me has the bad guy when I won't leave the baby unsupervised with them.

Logically I'm starting to accept they will never change but emotionally I'm struggling. How do I set boundaries with them? They have no idea of the stress & upset they cause me. I try & try to tell them but it falls on deaf ears. Help xx

hi I had the same issue, hard though it is I cut contact when my dd was born. I didn't want my dd to grow up with the same feelings of shame and embarrassment that I felt. My dd had nothing to gain from contact with them, but everything to lose. Harsh as it sounds it was for the best, my father died 13 years ago of alcoholism and my mother had a massive stroke and is now very frail. I am afraid you reap what you sow. I offered my dd the opportunity to get to know her GM when she was 18 but she said she didn't want to as she had treated me so badly (my dh told her about my upbringing not me). What you have to accept is that unless they want to change they never will and you can't be responsible for them. Get on with your life, enjoy your new baby with family that don't bring this baggage. Good luck x

My mother is the same. I lost count of the number of rows I had with her as she'd promise not to drink while looking after my son but inevitably I'd ring while I was out and she'd answer with a slur in her voice. My father would never drink though but he wasn't strong enough to put his foot down over her doing it.

It would inevitably ruin my evening then as I'd be worrying about my son. She could never see how it was a problem as she's been a drinker all my life and as kids we got used to seeing her addled almost daily but because she still kept the house going and food on the table whilst pissed she wasn't an alcoholic as they were tramps in the gutter.

Now, fast forward ten years and she's almost in liver failure, is yellow, bald, toothless and her stomach is huge with ascites fluid build up.

My kids age 14 and 11 haven't seen her for a year as she's so horrific to look at. I haven't seen or spoken to her either for the same amount of time as it was ruining my mental health. Like you I felt constantly anxious and upset over it all.

I had to cut my contact with her for me and my families sake.

You poor thing. Congratulations on your pregnancy. It must be so difficult accepting they are acting so selfishly at a time when you should be able to trust them to be there for you AND sober.

I would suggest giving them a very simple choice. "If you drink, you won't see me or my baby."

You will worry all the time about how they are behaving and I would say pass that worry straight over to them. Let them earn your trust and prove they can stay off the booze.

If they can't, then they don't see you. Try and be happy that your MIL is reliable and let go of the idea of your parents bring the (grand) parents you want them to be.

You're being brave to protect your baby from what you had to deal with.

Ask your GP about counselling too. It will help you see you are right to feel like this and give you strategies to protect yourself.

Best of luck to you, your baby is lucky to have such a brave mum. YADNBU

OP, my father is an alcoholic so I know something of what you're going through. Denial seems to be very common with alcoholics, but you are painfully aware of the reality and quite right to be concerned about your baby's safety. You must do what is right for you and your baby, even if that means cutting/reducing contact with your alcoholic parents.

Your parents have made their choices and those choices have made them unfit to care for themselves, let alone a grandchild. It's sad that they will miss out, but that is what happens when love of drink surpasses love of family. It's not your fault and you are not responsible for them, so try to look forward and don't let them guilt trip you.

You just have to put your foot down and say no. They'll probably hate you for it, my mum gets drunk to punish me and prove how bad I am for not letting her baby sit (yes that's her logic). I'm also the reason she's an alcoholic. You have to put your baby first though and not give into emotional blackmail.

I once gave in and let my mum collect dd from school in the hope she'd manage a day of sobriety. I had the longest commute of my life that day when the school phoned to say she hadn't been collected. My mum was lying in a drunken stupor.

I try and stop her even seeing them when drunk. It's more than needing a responsible adult looking after them. I don't want them to see what I've been seen, I don't want them to become a secondary reason for her drinking (I still struggle with the guilt) and I don't want them to have the responsibility of fixing her drunken fuck ups and making the relevant apologies. It's horrible and scary having adults shout at you and try and navigate how to fix adult things and it's more difficult now with all the security stuff. I don't want them to know the shame.

Monte has it right. They have a straight choice and you must strictly enforce it. If they choose alcohol then that's for them to live with. You sound very patient, but it's definitely time to get tough.

OP, you are not their parents, your first responsibility is to your son.

Try to keep contact, but only have visits when you are there. Do not rely upon your parents to babysit your son - I know you won't anyway.

I'm not sure it's a straight choice. Alcoholism is an illness and like any other illness you will need to adapt. They are not 'fit' to look after your child, but don't cut them out of your life. You can't control this situation, so just make the best of it - threats and promises are futile here.

You've got it right OP (and I write as someone who's had to live with an alcoholic and became one herself - now mercifully sober, hurray!)

Detach, with compassion. Make it clear the lack of contact doesn't mean you love them less. You're not judging them. They're ill. But they cannot and will not see your baby until they're better.

Maybe just maybe that will prove the rock bottom they need in order to be able to begin the climb up and out of it.

In the meantime, concentrate on you and your little family. Have you ever been to Al Anon? I know lots of people who've found it very helpful and supportive.

Of course you don't want them looking after your baby when they sound like they are barely capable of growing up themselves.

I'd make it clear that, even supervised, they will only be seeing the baby sober. Normally I don't agree with ultimatums, but this isn't about denying them access in the hope it will kick-start them into doing something about their drinking, this is about protecting your son.

Be prepared that they might never change; as previously alluded to, an alcoholic cannot stop for any other reason than that they themselves want to. Particularly as it sounds that they are in denial.

but don't cut them out of your life. You can't control this situation

Cutting them out of her life unless their behaviour changes is the one bit of control the OP actually does have.

Compassion is taken, by many alcoholics, as approval and understanding if their self-inflicted chaos.

The OP deserves to cope with parenting without added stress from them.

As you weren't enough to stop them drinking - why do you think it will be different for your children? Stupid question I know - of course you are still hoping.

My alcoholic mother was inspired by the birth of her first GC to really start drinking - not that she didn't before, but it triggered something and six months later she was in hospital for two months with drink related illness. By the time GC3 came she was drinking by 10am. Theoretically there was an agreement with our dad that we wouldn't bring her round if she'd been drinking but he'd just bring her because he wanted to see DC, he hadn't noticed he didn't care - whatever. So there's been all sorts of rehab and more hospital visits and many visits on librium unfortunately not for me where she might as well have been drunk.

The older GC know she's a bit weird asking the same questions. She can't play with them, she doesn't listen to them or ask them anything, she'll tell them about something their cousins have done and if they try to say 'that was me' she contradicts them, calls them the wrong name. Will never admit she's drunk being belligerent. .. so contact is minima and always supervisedl and my dad is very angry because he wants to be a collect them from school type grandad and isn't. So we get to deal with that too.

Try to move out of the FOG and decide what you want. If they can't/won't do that - there's your decision.

but don't cut them out of your life. You can't control this situation

Cutting them out of her life unless their behaviour changes is the one bit of control the OP actually does have.

Compassion is taken, by many alcoholics, as approval and understanding if their self-inflicted chaos.

The OP deserves to cope with parenting without added stress from them.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this OP. My MIL was an alcoholic and while we would have kept her in our lives, we wouldn't under any circumstances have let her look after our children, even if she had apparently stopped drinking. I wouldn't have trusted her not to be drinking secretly.

It's nice that your MIL will be able to sometimes baby sit for you. Don't let your parents make you feel guilty that they can't do the same. It's their fault.

I'd wholly agree that self preservation must be paramount.

Out of sight is out of mind. So do walk away. You can't change anything, all trying will do is make you miserable.

Having watched PILs waste their lives like this I would never, ever judge anyone who just turned their backs on relatives who make this choice. At some point you do just have to acknowledge that they can't make better choices and will always be an emotional and/or financial burden. One that is usually far too heavy to bear.