Hi everyone, this may be long, apologies.
Been separated from my XH for 2.5 years now, divorced for 18 months (on the grounds of his adultery). Two children together, aged 6 and 12. He is now engaged to the OW (I use the term "woman" loosely; she was 19 at the time of the affair, he was 35, she was our babysitter and also someone I considered as the little sister I never had). I am myself in a very happy relationship with someone I have known as a friend for many years and we are due to have our daughter in the next few days. Children live with me and see their dad 1.5 weekends out of 3.
The marriage wasn't great; looking back and knowing what I know now (thanks Mumsnet!) he was emotionally and financially abusive. It also transpired after we split that he had spent a hell of a lot on credit cards on a cocaine habit that I genuinely had no idea about (luckily all in his name so I wasn't liable for it).
Anyhoo, he asked me about 6 months ago if I could sort the kids out a passport each so that he could take them to visit his father in Germany; I agreed on the proviso that he would pay half the money for the passports. This money did not materialise, hence I did not get the passports sorted.
The OW and myself have mutual friends on FB, and a comment she made on a friend's status last night about paying off a trip to Germany led to me ask my daughter if her dad had mentioned the proposed trip again. She said no, so I asked my partner (who is actually the OW's cousin, yeah all a bit Jezza I realise but they're not close; in fact he has no time for her whatsoever) to have a quick look on her profile and see if there was any mention of this. And there was! But not in relation to my DCs... the two of them are going to Germany in October (i.e. Oktoberfest) and are not taking the bairns with them. She also put on that they will be going on holiday to Ibiza next spring (just as they did last spring). Again without the kids.
This all wouldn't be so bad if he ever actually did anything with them during his contact time, but he doesn't! In the 2.5 years since we split he has taken them to the park TWICE. That is it, aside from the occasional McDonald's or supermarket trip. My partner and I have taken them all over, including a week long holiday last year and loads of day trips.
My daughter constantly complains about having to go to her dad's at the weekend; we live about 15 miles away and all her friends are here. Plus all they do is watch TV or sit in their bedroom playing on games consoles (my son is at an age where he seems happy with this arrangement). I do try to encourage her to have a relationship with her dad; my own dad is bloody useless and I don't want her to feel the way I do. She decided one weekend that she wasn't going, I got pulled into the middle, and I told him that maybe if he actually made more of an effort with her she would want to come. He agreed and said that things would change, e.g. taking them out more. This was weeks ago and nothing's changed. She feels that he puts his fiancé before her, and it's getting to the point where I can no longer defend him, as it's becoming increasingly clear that he does. I ensure that I never badmouth my XH in front of or to the children, but my 12 year old is a bright girl and it's clear that the scales are falling from her eyes.
I am so heartbroken for my poor girl. It is so hard to see her going through the same emotions I went through at her age. My inner lioness is roaring and I am utterly disgusted by my ex's selfish behaviour. I feel gutted that my kids aren't going to get a holiday this year as my partner and I really can't afford it at such short notice, especially with a new baby on the way any day. We will of course have day trips over the holidays, plus I plan to take each child away for a day or two with me as it will be lovely to have some one-on-one time with them (plus the disparity in their ages means they always want to do different things).
I don't understand how he can do this. Does he not realise that he is pushing his daughter away? Even worse, DOES he realise but just not care?
AIBU to think there is more to being a father than just having your children in the same geographical location now and then?
Thankyou if you've got this far.