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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about keeping dcs happy? My friends think I am.

97 replies

frangiponi · 13/05/2014 03:43

I have 3 friends I see more than my other friends. We have dcs of similar ages and meet up a lot together. Mostly everything goes alone fine and the kids get along well but there is one issue: I feel that they revolve things too much around their dc(s) and will do anything to keep them happy. They feel that I am a bit mean and stingy. We've not had arguments about this as such but it has come up in discussions a lot and it's starting to be a problem in that I don't want to spend as much time with them.

3 recent examples:

  1. Friend A has an 8yo, as do I. I also have a 14yo and 12yo. We planned to meet with all dcs at the weekend. Friend's dd wants to go to softplay. My 8yo would enjoy that but not my older 2, which I explained. She won't compromise as her dd will kick off if we don't do softplay.
  1. Friend B is currently annoyed with me as I told my dd that an old friend of hers might be in town at the weekend, so we could meet up, maybe. My dd told Friend's dd but Friend did not want her dd to know in case she had to disappoint her if they couldn't meet. It had never occurred to me that my dd wouldn't be able to cope with a bit of disappointment.
  1. Friend C buys her dd a new iphone and tells my dcs that they should pester me more as their electronics are all old (it's true, but...)

AIBU?

OP posts:
DIYtrainee · 13/05/2014 13:57

OP, I'm with you on all except the popcorn/chips.

I think if you have mixed ages you need to be more flexible about outings. Yes, some things will always appeal more to one child than another and the others just have to suck it up. But some things are just sooooo boring for the other children that its simply not fair to impose it on them.

All the modern stuff - she was out of order. I suspect she did it because she didn't feel as though she was the only one suckered into buying all the modern gadgets for her DCs. If she wants to buy it, then fine, but to encourage your DC to pressure you was out of order. My DC get spoilt with some things, but not with others. I choose what I will get them carefully, balancing out wanting to get them nice things, but still wanting them to appreciate that these things cost money.

Generally, I would say I veer towards your style of parenting, but perhaps not quite as strict. I will tell my DC that something 'might' happen, I don't always buy them treats when we go out, I don't buy them all of the latest gadgets (but might be one or two)

But with regard to the popcorn/chips - sorry, but at 8 (DS1 is 7 so similar aged) I would have got him what he wanted. But only the 1 thing. As he pointed out in one of the battles - 'why do YOU get to choose ALL the time?' And it's true. Why should I get to choose all the time? What is the difference between popcorn and chips as a treat? I can make the choice that they only get one, but he should get to choose what that one is. Especially if I had TOLD him he could choose a snack. Just because you had bought him something, I wouldn't impose it on him. (But I would have made it clear to you that I had already promised him that he could choose his treat, and apologise) - food wastage be damned, that to me would be a dreadful reason to go back on giving him his choice.

Goldmandra · 13/05/2014 14:02

As he pointed out in one of the battles - 'why do YOU get to choose ALL the time?' And it's true.

Fair enough on most occasions but on this day I would have said "frangi had to choose because we were late. You like them so eat them and pipe down. We can have popcorn next time."

Original poster
frangiponi · 13/05/2014 14:06

Yes, my children get plenty of choices. But not everything. In this situation, I actually asked them if they wanted hot dog or chips which were the only things available, then they were not hot dogs left, so no choice. We sometimes get popcorn, but this time it was sort of a lunch.

No-one has mentioned that my friend's dd was whining for popcorn, not asking nicely in the least. I never get mine anything if they whine!

OP posts:
StanleyLambchop · 13/05/2014 14:09

But what if she had already had chips for lunch, or knew she would be having them the next day for lunch. Or had then every single time they go to the cinema and just fancied a change? Perhaps her Mum had promised her popcorn on the way and then wanted to show her that it is important to keep your promises if you can? Why is Frangiponi's decision to buy chips so valid that the poor child has to be made to eat something she does not want, just to teach her a life lesson? What about teaching her that she does have a choice and that her opinion is valid too? The child is only 8 ffs!

AllDirections · 13/05/2014 14:11

I have a friend like your friend B. If we went out somewhere and I'd told DD3 (7) that we could go to the park on the way home then she wouldn't want her DD (7) to be told because she'd kick off. But if it was them going to the park she wouldn't consider whether my DD would be unhappy that we couldn't go.

And it's not like her DD is more sensitive than mine because she's not, my friend just doesn't like saying no to her whereas I would have just said to DD1, "Sorry love but we have to pick DD1 up" or whatever we were going to do. If she kicks off (which is more than likely) then so be it. That's life! Sometimes DD3 knows that when I wink and say in a pronounced way "Come on DD3, we're going straight home now" that it's for the benefit of my friend's DD.

I don't think that it's a good idea to do that but if it's what my friend wants then I'll go along with it. If DD3 slips up and says we're going to the park then so be it. She's 7 and she doesn't always get the level of manipulation that some parents use to prevent children kicking off because I don't do that even if it does result in tantrums, etc.

DIYtrainee · 13/05/2014 14:13

I suppose food would be the deal breaker with me because food is where we have a lot of problems - very fussy child and so we've had the 'with choices comes responsibility' talk. He can make choices but is responsible for them - it has resulted in a MASSIVE improvement.

I suppose in THIS particular instance if I was the reason we were late, I would probably have given in, if he were the reason we were late, I'd have told him to suck it up. If he wanted a choice we needed to get there on time.

Oh yes, I suppose if he whined that would be a deal breaker for me - whining sets my teeth on edge and if he had whined he would have been threatened with 'if I hear that whine again you won't get ANYTHING', and then have followed through with it (might have had to miss half the movie with the resulting tantrum though.....)

MerryMarigold · 13/05/2014 14:14

Frangi, I agree with every point. These people (well in particular friend A) will have awful teenagers. Start edging out of the friendship now before you need to listen to incessant moaning about their teens and how of course, it is NOTHING to do with their parenting!

Friend A's child already sounds a bit tiresome. Whingeing to get her own way at every opportunity and having tantrums if she can't. She's got her parents under her thumb.

Original poster
frangiponi · 13/05/2014 14:15

Maybe she was promised popcorn, but if my child whined rudely like that they may not get it after all!

I do the same as you AllDirections - if they kicked off then they kicked off, but they learned that it didn't change my decision so they stopped doing it quite a while ago.

OP posts:
AllDirections · 13/05/2014 14:17

If I'd promised DD3 that she could have popcorn at the cinema (which she would expect to be fair and so would I because it's a cinema treat) and that I'd buy it for everyone when we arrived then I would still do that regardless of what else had been bought for her. She'd have been more than happy with chips first and then popcorn so I imagine she would have eaten half a portion of chips if she was still allowed popcorn too. It sounds like your friend's DD had to choose between the two.

MerryMarigold · 13/05/2014 14:18

If I 'promised' my child popcorn and there was chips waiting, I would say, "Oh look, chips. How kind of frangi to have thought of you..." "I know I said, I'd get you some popcorn, but I didn't know Frangi was going to get you something, and you like chips too, don't you?". If still a problem, take child aside and tell them it is rude when someone gives you something to be ungrateful for it, and you will get the popcorn another time, but NOT ANOTHER WORD.

MerryMarigold · 13/05/2014 14:20

The amount of parents who lie all the time about 'coming back in 5 minutes' in order to stop DC kicking off, but they can't go back on a 'promise' of popcorn

AllDirections · 13/05/2014 14:21

I forgot to say that I wouldn't have been late for the cinema so we'd have had plenty of time to sort everything out without it being a problem.

And whining is very annoying and something my DD3 would have done because it seems to be her default but she wouldn't have got popcorn until she asked nicely.

Original poster
frangiponi · 13/05/2014 14:21

It will be shame to not see them so much but I have found myself making excuses at times. I like the mums on their own and I like the kids - it's not their fault and they are always lovely if I have them over without the mums!

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/05/2014 14:23

Nah, sorry, if my child had already had lunch (and let's face it, most normal people do not take children to the cinema about lunch time if they are not fed) and I had "promised" him popcorn then I would politely decline the chips and get him popcorn.

I expect him to keep his promises he makes to me, so why should I not give him the same respect back.

DS was a massive tantrum king when he was little, he grew out of it as most of them do and is now a lovely polite kind little boy with a good heart and soul. However, whether I will be saying the same when he is a teenager and hormones kick in, I wouldn't like to say!

threedeer · 13/05/2014 14:26

I can't quite see why you saying your older DC don't want to go to soft play is any less pandering than your friend saying her 8 year old does want to. Generally, older DC can cope with a bit of hanging round more easily, or go off on their own and meet up with you later.

AllDirections · 13/05/2014 14:28

NOT ANOTHER WORD That would work with some children and not others. DD2 would absolutely have been ok with that but not DD3. A portion of chips is not important enough to me to have a disagreement over but then I have a very definite style of feeding my DC which involves not 'making' them eat anything. I have issues with food that I want to avoid with my DC and so far my way has worked for us. We have never had any food issues and DDs are 7, 13 and 17.

Original poster
frangiponi · 13/05/2014 14:29

But we could have found something else which everyone would like! My 8yo did want to go to softplay, but she is used to having to compromise as one of 3 dcs. I would however encourage that skill even if I had only 1 dc, perhaps even more so.

Ok....people have many different interpretations of the scenarios I gave as example and that is fair enough. Lots and lots of these scenarios over time is however getting quite tiresome for me and probably for them too, judging by the stingy comments I've had.

OP posts:
Original poster
frangiponi · 13/05/2014 14:32

I never make my dcs eat anything either but there is never another option if they don't eat what I've made. I would absolutely have encouraged them to eat the chips (but wouldn't have needed to realistically as they like chips, as do most kids, would not have forced but would not have bought anything else.

OP posts:
sunbathe · 13/05/2014 14:34

Examples 1, 2 and YANBU.

Chips, VU.

Especially about saying she was whining.

sunbathe · 13/05/2014 14:35

Dear, dear, tuts self.

Examples 1, 2 and 3, YANBU.

MerryMarigold · 13/05/2014 14:35

I would not make my DC eat the food. I would make them say thank you for it. And if they were not hungry, then they don't need popcorn either.

AllDirections · 13/05/2014 14:35

I don't think that any of the examples in your OP is a dealbreaker to be honest OP. You just have to be nicely assertive so that it's not always about your friend's DC. I have lots of friends, all with differing parenting styles, and usually we can work with all our differences. My DC know that what I say goes, so I might let them have an ice cream regardless of who else is allowed one but if I don't want them to have one when everyone else is then I'll say no.

Occasionally I've had to stop seeing a friend but it's been very rare and only for really extreme behaviour.

Original poster
frangiponi · 13/05/2014 14:44

I was unreasonable to say she was whining? Whining is horrid!

I'm not going to stop seeing them altogether....never intended that.

I feel that I say yes enough and sometimes no to my dcs. It's the mums' not being able to say no which I find difficult to cope with when we meet. Friend A's dd wanted my dd for a sleepover the other weekend, which is nice, but it wasn't a convenient weekend and they basically ambushed us outside school on a Friday afternoon. Of course my dd was hoping I would say yes and did a "face" for a second or two but my friend was begging and begging on her dd's behalf. She didn't stop until I had said no about 4 times and explained why each time. She looked really cross with me as they walked away - I wonder what the dd put her through?!

OP posts:
sunbathe · 13/05/2014 14:56

Your 'whining' might just be her saying 'I'd prefer popcorn', though. Grin Also, if she'd been expecting popcorn, it was reasonable for her to have popcorn.

When we go to the cinema, we have popcorn in place of dessert. Chips wouldn't cut it.

DIYtrainee · 13/05/2014 14:57

Ugh, that sounds awful. I'd have said no just on the principle of being bailed up like that!

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