AIBU to feel deflated by this odd comment, or should I take it on board?

[andabookaboutsandwiches]

I am from the UK but live abroad and am just learning the local language. I go to a group each week for people in my situation to practise the language, and I have a lot less language experience than the others in the group, as they've all been here a lot longer than me. This evening, I was idly fiddling with my hairband which had been on my wrist, when one of the group suddenly interrupted the conversation and said 'Can we talk about nervousness?' as our next topic. It was clear he was alluding to me and the hairband, as he stared right at me. The facilitator picked up on this too, I think, and gave the impression he thought it a bit odd, and said 'Let X finish first, then we can move on'. We did then address the topic of nervousness and the guy then explicitly said I looked nervous, and asked me if I was etc. It was very bizarre and totally out of context, and not done in a sympathetic way. I managed to laugh it off and stick up for myself, but I've come away feeling sad and stupid. Can't decide whether to ignore it and pass it off as just one guy's weird behaviour, or to actually wonder if I come across as nervous (in my mind I now equate this with 'pathetic'). I am now worried that other new people I am meeting think this too, and it just makes me feel belittled. Trying not to let it bother me, but it actually does!! AIBU to let it get to me?

God don't let that wanker out you off, it is none of his business, I would have told him such. You were too nice.

X-post with a few questions...

Yes, I guess, if I'm being generous, it could have been an attempt to be reassuring by trying to get the perceived nervousness 'out in the open', but it just didn't feel that way.

He's from Germany I think, so I'm not sure cultural differences could account for it?

The odd thing was the way he just stopped the whole conversation dead in its tracks to ask! If it had been a sort of aside as in 'Are you okay, you look a little nervous?' I think I could feel more charitable towards him and less put down.

Annoying thing is I wasn't actually feeling that nervous. Tired, yes, a bit distracted by a long day, but actually enjoying myself and enjoying learning by listening to the language and contributing.

Sigh

Keep going, next time tell him to mind his own, how rude is he!

Loving your work stealthsquiggle and MrsTP!!

Don't give it another thought. Look up 'When I want pseudo-therapeutic ass-hattery from an unqualified stranger in the middle of my language class, you'll be the first one I call' in whatever the local language is.

What a twat. One feels so vulnerable trying to speak in a language one doesn't know that well, and this sort of insensitivity really cuts to the quick.

(I may be projecting here... a couple of weeks ago I was in a similar situation and someone laughed at my accent. I went home and cried, and I NEVER cry.)

Anyway, it sounds like you're doing great, and clearly the facilitator and probably everyone else present was on your side.

Thanks Mooncupgoddess, and I'm really sorry that happened to you too. I did feel like crying, it just seemed like a mockery was being made of my efforts.

Playing devils advocate here - maybe he'd just learned the word, or maybe he was clumsily trying to bring it up on a kind way, ie 'are you nervous, don't be'.
So don't feel so bad, please, I know it doesn't seem it, but it could be that. I know when I speak the second language I know best I don't always come across as I meant to, funnily enough when I'm speaking in a mixed group of natives and English as first language speakers.

Having slept on it I'm feeling vaguely more as though it wasn't intended with real malice, and like it might have just been ill phrased and ill times......It wasn't sneery so much as just odd! And actually I've been reflecting that being nervous isn't necessarily such a bad thing in itself. I am generally quite a confident person but this class is out of my comfort zone in the sense that I am very much the beginner in terms of the language ability - so nerves, even if they were subconscious, are probably quite natural I guess, and I refuse to be ashamed of that if that's how I did come across. I will just have to re-read this thread if I get cold feet about going again next week.

Thinking about Burren's phrase 'pseudo-therapeutic ass-hattery' should be enough to put a on my face if he starts up again!

It does sound like he has no social skills at all! It was probably meant to be helpful, but how embarrassing.

However, I wonder if there could be something else here. (I may be reading waaaay too much in). I used to be anorexic, and one of the things a lot of anorexics do is to have a hairband on their wrist, which they ping when they feel hungry. It's part of the whole sick 'disciplining yourself' thing. I wonder if he might know that or have experience of it that made your innocuous gesture more full of meaning than you ever intended??

That's an interesting point struggling..... That wasn't the reason why I was doing it, and I think it probably wasn't the case in this situation that he interpreted it in that way, but I guess you never know. If he did know about that habit and thought that was why I was doing it then I think it's even worse that he said something so abruptly and openly!

I have always had a habit of messing about with hairbands or my earrings and so on, or drumming my fingers (not so as others could hear).

Perhaps they really are signs of nervousness?!? Thing is I don't actually consciously recall feeling nervous when I do them - I don't actively associate the feeling and the habit....

So at this language group you are both speaking the local language, which is not either of your first language.

You, on top of the language are already nervous as you consider everyone else at the group to be more adept at the local language.

So, you ARE nervous. You are sitting there nervously fiddling with a pony tail band.

I presume the group is for language practice and talking through problems you have had, using the experiences of others to help you learn. So, "can anyone tell me the best way to ask for a doctors appointment"...."does anyone know the local world for a microwave...."

He has been through this all before... After all, he, along with the others, speak the local language better than you, so has probably been doing this for longer.

He, presumably not in his native language, brings up a topic of conversation about nervousness - he brings it up a bit clumsily because it's not in his native language.

He makes eye contract with you because you clearly are being nervous set this time. This is a chance for him to share his experiences of how nervous he was/is about communicating in another language, and he opens it to everyone so they can share their hints and tips too....

Gotta say, doesn't sound like too much of a monster to me.

here's a starter for you:

"Could we talk about manners for our next topic?"

"I'm interested in learning how to tell a rude person to mind their own business"

Oh German is he? Well that probably explains it....

Bathsheba, I would like to have interpreted that way, but there was really very little about the way he went about it which would enable it to be viewed kindly unless you were being very generous!!

KeinBock, not certain his Germanness was the cause?! But he certainly made me feel I had 'kein Bock' to carry on with the conversation afterwards