To think I'm going to have to lose at least 5 stone before I put myself out there?

[biglonelylady]

Have tried online dating and got nowhere, I think it's because of my size. 5 foot 3 inches, and just over 15 stone.

I know some women look good big but I don't.

I'm so lonely though. I'd love to meet someone and it's horrible thinking I'll have to wait months and months until I've potentially lost weight.

To be completely honest, I think you sound a bit desperate, sorry. "It depresses me thinking of the next 7,8, 9 months alone" - why?

Relationships are hard. Being single is hard. A relationship isn't going to magic everything better for you.

I know it is a cliché, but you have to be happy alone first. Because otherwise you are just going to attract the users and abusers you read about in the Relationships section of MN.

My granny, who I adored, sat me down when I first got a dating age.

"Bella" she said "what's your favourite desert?"

"Sticky Toffee Pudding".

"When it comes to men" my very wise granny said "always remember you are the best sticky toffee pudding in the world. Never believe you are anything else".

It took me a while to get what she meant, but now I see it. Because I am great. I am funny, intelligent, kind. I'm kind of hot too. Any man who gets within 3 feet of me is a lucky chap.

I will never accept second best. And nor should you.

bellabrees post has really motivated me, held in ice - great line

Thanks!

Yes, I know relationship doesn't mean I'll be happy, I don't mean that at all.

But I'd like to be loved. I'd like to go on dates, go on weekends away go on holidays. Have someone to share my life with. Have sex My friends are lovely but they are in couples so that makes it harder. I'm not desperate, if I was I could have met someone I'm sure, unsuitable mind but someone.

All those things are nice - but they aren't the be all and end all. Maybe new friends is a good start? A wider circle?

I can relate to the "Bridget Jones" feeling of going to couple-heavy dinner parties. It isn't fun - I spend most of my time with single people/people who have time away from their husbands.

Well maybe but I do work full time, it can be hard to fit everything in :) I'm not saying it's the be all and end all, all the same I would like a relationship/marriage/family, I think that's normal.

broken No, it doesn't make me feel any better at all that you are a normal weight and still unhappy. Your weight is not the issue in this conversation.

OP you have lost 2 stone already? shout it! celebrate it! this seems to have got lost somewhere! Well done you. Fantastic job.

I'm feeling that the weight here is the side issue for you OP for you Broken and for me too. None of us actually want to be overweight and all of us are trying not to be and failing. So smug doctors and the like saying "all you have to do is eat less and do more" is not helpful.

Gosh, really, wow! It hadn't actually occurred to me. Thanks so much for pointing out the obvious and at the same time my obvious stupidity and failure in not realising that. All will totally different tomorrow now that you've told me that, and I will be totally slim within 3 months......

Failure to pay bills, not earning enough, bastard exH never paying maintenance, bolshy teenagers, DD lying through her teeth to me, parking ticket, crap internet, life on hold - clearly all irrelevant. I simply lack willpower.

Sigh...

Sorry OP. it's really hard. I am 5'4 and now 14 st 3 I was 16 '9 I'm 50 and it has taken me over 2 years to do that. I am a lot fitter though and everyone says I've lost a lot of weight as I have toned up. I have been going to the gym a lot and am off to Peru on Friday to walk the Inca trail (26 miles at altitude) I am much fitter as I have been increasing my training. I still want to loose another 3 stones and am cross that I haven't done it. I get demoralised. I'm widowed and not wanting a new relationship at present but it is so demoralising when you can't get into clothes and don't feel good about yourself.

Working full time is hard too. Try to get out in the evening and walk if you can even 20 minutes and build up the pace. It does get easier.

Getting started is the hard bit.

Good luck.

There are many larger people in relationships, and many slimmer people who are single. If you're contented within yourself, it's more likely that you'll be ready to enter a relationship. Confidence is far more attractive than body shape, at least in the real world!

If you feel that you would be more contented if you felt healthier, take up a sport - cycling was mentioned upthread, and I know my local running club is absolutely full of single men. Or a scuba diving club. Or a martial art. Something that appeals to you (fwiw singing in a choir hasn't worked for someone I know although she does love it )

But do it because you want to improve your fitness, which will have a knock on effect on your confidence because of the endorphin release. You'll also have something interesting to talk to potential new friends and partners about :)

If anyone is reading this and thinking they couldn't do exercise, or are too unfit to start.. about 4 week ago I decided to tryrunning

I'm 5 foot nothing and spread into a size 18..usually I'm a 16 (at a push in teh right shops even a 14!) I am massively unfit...

I can't run, I manage about 30 seconds to1 minute of runningand then have towalk, I have really cheap running clothes, i know,in my heart of hearts,I look an absolute bugger, but... I love the feeling of acheivement and utter knackerdness when i get home, so its not much of a commengtbut alli cansay is if anyoneis thinking i would like totry excersisebut i can't /amtoo big / unhealthy /will look stupid, trust me, I am out tehre already doing it for you, honestly, just giveita try

Have you seen www.c25k.com?

Dating involves a lot of rejection. The only reason I'd say not to do it now, is because you seem unhappy, and it would be very difficult to deal with rejection if you're already feeling down.

First off keep up the weight loss, well done.
Second my db is married to a amazing lady who is on the bigger side, she is taller than you, but big, so is my brother, he is 6 foot 4, they met online but a chat room I think rather than a real dating site, I have never really asked as it wasn't important how they met, just they are perfect together, together for 10 year married for 8 :)
Oh and she is 6 years older than him x nearly forgot that :)
Good luck

You dont need to wait till you have lost 5 stone. Being slim is not a prerequisite to being in a relationship.
:)

If you look around you there are all sort os sizes of people who are together, much the same as being happy within yourself isnt going to give you a relationship either.

As a long term single ( whos been fat and thin) i can tell you it made not a jot of difference in my dating luck, neither has socalising or taking up hobbies, or loving myself.

Its just down to the luck of meeting someone, at the right time and wanting the same thing.

Im not saying dont carry on with the weight loss, you are doing great :) but do it because you want to, not because you think it will mean you will have more luck dating.

I also highly suspect your lack of luck on dating sites is nothng to do with your size, a quick look at the relationships board, or even a quick google, show that for most people, dating sites dont work.

biglonelylady whatever you decide to do, do it for you! I think the rest will follow anyway, as exercise and losing weight makes you feel better about yourself and boosts your confidence. I'm always being told it's confidence which is what other people find attractive. I really wish you the best of luck :)

JoyceDivision that's exactly what I'm doing! I couldn't run to the end of the road 9 months ago, and though I'm progressing more slowly than the c25k plan would suggest, I can run for 20-25 minutes straight now. Once I sort my diet out I know the weight loss will be much better too. Completely well done on getting out there, the first weeks are the hardest. And I don't think there will be many people thinking you look stupid - I always look at other people running and just think 'good on you'. I'm sure most people think the same :)

Baby steps (or skips or hops of jumps), you're doing well to have lost two stone.

I would try to disassociate the weight and singleness from each other in my mind.

Focus on improving your health and fitness and do it for you, not for the somebody who is out there for you and would love you if you were 25 stone, purple and upside-down.

Love only comes when you find a bit of love for yourself.

Thank you.

It's strange as I know there are people bigger than me even happy in relationships. But, I often think they perhaps weren't like that when they met their partner/husband - weight becomes unimportant after so many years together but that initial attraction it's important to look good and I know I don't.

I really have NO interest in or ability to do running, I am afraid, I would injure myself! I am focusing on losing weight at the moment. It is just depressing when I think how far I've got to go until goal.

You've lost two stone already, that's brilliant! I met my husband online dating, via Guardian Soulmates, when I was about your weight, it's only a barrier to happiness if you let it be one, seriously. Not every man wants to date a "thin" girl, and likewise, not every man who likes a larger woman is a "chubby chaser", either.

BitterOldOtter you have spurred me on! I love to hear people admit it is hard rather than a perfect easy plan, makes me realise I can keep plodding on with it!