AIBU or is DP? Or are we both? LONG, SORRY!

[WavingCat]

Hello all, long time lurker but first time poster.

I usually would not post such personal stuff about myself on the internet but what the heck, I am desperate and at my wits end. I have been in floods of tears several times over the past few weeks and I just don't know if I have done something to provoke such behaviour from my DP.

Ok so here we go...

DP is older than me if that matters (By 14 years blush) I am in my twenties. We have only been together just over a year and whilst we live alone we spend 3-4 days together especially the weekends.
Lately over the past few months I have noticed that we rarely have sex (We haven't bonked in over two months.) I'm aware I am possibly a sexually deprived monster but I have remained reasonable and wondered if to begin with we perhaps just did it too much? Thinking about it, we weren't at it like crazy rabbits so I have ruled that one out. I recently discovered that he is still signed up to (and reading e-mails he gets from) dating websites, we met through one and I haven't even thought about them. I didn't snoop, it was just something I had noticed on his tablet when he was switching screens when we were cuddled up one day.
He has a tumblr account that is exclusively naughty pictures of rather good looking women and he can spend hours a day browsing tumblr yet I can't even get a quickie out of him in 2 months :(
He masturbates and that's fine, but I find it a real problem when he will spend hours a night watching porn instead of coming up to bed with me.

I've tried everything from naughty e-mails to texts which do get a reaction and often naughty replies in response but never anything physical to wearing underwear he will like he likes stockings and suspenders, I have never worn any until now and bought them especially for him :(

I finally gained the courage when I was feeling low and unattractive to ask why he did not want to sleep with me and he gave me a default "man" response of "I hadn't noticed we hadn't done it in 2 months" which then quickly changed to him saying "Maybe we're just not into the same things, sexually?" Which is complete and utter BS!!! We discussed our desires/fantasies and actually turns out everything he likes I already knew about early on and did for him at every possible opportunity when the mood went there.

I feel so unattractive and so unwanted, I love this man so much that I just don't know what to do. I've spoken to him, he's seen me in floods of tears about it and he just doesn't seem to act.
We don't have any other problems other than this, we both have very similar interests and we have a good time together. We have discussed moving in together, even the possibility of children before he gets "too old".

Am I being unreasonable to leave him on such selfish desires? To ask him to pay attention to me?

No you are not unreasonable at all. It sounds as though he has disengaged from you sexually, I'm afraid. Not really sure how to reverse that. I think you just have to be absolutely clear about what you want and what will happen if you're not getting it.

This is not just about the act of sex- he's ignoring you in the evenings in favour of porn. I can't stand being ignored, especially if you have limited time together won't mention the time I physically shut my husband's computer to get his attention It's rude, rejecting and hurtful. After only 10 months the signs don't look good.

If he said 'oh, I'm so sorry, I'm stressed, let's try to fix this' it would be different. He's basically saying he's not that into you. Sorry

Poor you.

If you aren't sexually compatible - liking the same things doesn't prove compatibility; shared experiences do - then that isn't anyone's fault. A lot of people would settle for companionship, cosily watching tv together.

But it doesn't sound like that's what you want. And it sounds like he's exhausting his sexual energy through porn and masturbation and leaving none for you, which isn't fair when you're wanting more.

If he doesn't change his ways, do you still want to be with him? There's no shame in ending a relationship under these circumstances. Would you give him a chance to change first or are you already too badly hurt?

Don't settle. He isn't your only chance at happiness, whatever that looks like.

Thank you for the lovely replies, I can't believe how stressful something like this has been, I thought I was perhaps being selfish but I can see what you mean.

I am hurt yes, incredibly so. But I am clinging to the fact that he is older than me and therefore more mature and open to solving problems but that's really not the case for him. I want to allow him the chance to try but at already two months and several weeks ahead of those months where everything felt rushed and false? I'm not sure how much time to allow if so much time in only a year of our relationship has already headed this way.

I want to be happy, but I also want to be with him. It's difficult and I know people who have been married for years may well have bigger problems but that doesn't change how much I love him so I hope people aren't thinking of me as a drama queen.

But I am clinging to the fact that he is older than me and therefore more mature and open to solving problems

Doesn't always follow, my lovely. My DP is 18 years older than me but can have a tantrum worthy of a 2 year old if the mood takes him.

Please put yourself first. You deserve happiness and for your partner to pay you attention and NOT be looking at porn by himself or checking out dating websites!

I would put any thoughts of moving in together on hold for a while unless this situation improves as it won't once you're under the same roof. And definitely hold fire on having a baby! You're young yet and you deserve the best and this man does not appear to be considering your feelings at all.

Wishing you all the best

Sounds like your relationship is over

I'm really sorry OP, but better you find out early on that you're not compatible than years later with a couple of DC to think about.

Honestly, just leave with your head held high. Porn usage over actual sex does not bode well for a LTR.

It's not you, it's him.

You are so young, you have no ties to him, just chalk it up to experience and move on.

I hate to say it but, if he's like this after only a year, what's he going to be like after 5 years or 10 years? Or after you've had a baby (if that's on the horizon)? He honestly sounds like a selfish prick. You could do so much better. You're only in your twenties, why settle for someone who treats you like your second best, the whole world is your oyster. Get out now before having children with this selfish manchild.

Also IMO, if he hasn't even noticed that you've not had sex in 2 months and he doesn't want it even when you're dressed up in sussies then he's pretty likely to be getting it else where.

Thank you a much for the replies and the support.

We have a few days off to spend together before the weekend, I'll be seeing him tomorrow evening and feel like this is something I should discuss (again) with him face to face so I will update here tomorrow once I have as I have a feeling I may be requiring some support :(

I'm thinking of saying something to him along the lines of "this is what I want in a relationship, this is what I need. Do you want the same?" Depending on his reply Iguess this is the end of me and him. I'm gutted it came to this so soon but I am thankful that like some have said it is now rather than later, before children.

Sounds like a very one sided relationship, ditch him & look for someone that is into you.