BIL (DH's brother) has always displayed challenging behaviour. I would agree that to a certain extent we as a family have enabled this. We've never pulled him up on it, even when it was really awful. (At the time, I didn't feel I could as he was DH's brother rather than mine but am now starting to think that perhaps I should have tried to do something. Anything. I'm not sure quite what.) Anyway, BIL is firmly entrenched in his belief that he is the most important person in the universe.
SIL (BIL's wife) is a really lovely lady. She is genuinely kind and thoughtful. It has been noted by a number of people that she is a saint for putting up with him and that he is lucky to have her and their very lovely DCs.
Yesterday we found out that BIL has had an affair. As if that were not bad enough, he chose to do this with SIL's best friend. I think he is an utter scumbag. He has always been a selfish so and so but even for him, this takes the absolute biscuit. SIL has not asked him to leave but they are working through it.
Part of my anger is obviously because I think BIL has behaved so appallingly to people I care about, but I'm also really angry and frightened at DH's reaction to the news. He is decidedly lukewarm in his disapproval. He refers to it as a "dalliance" and says BIL has been a "silly boy and an idiot", but that he wants to be supportive of BIL and thinks that they should look to the future. When I point out that somebody who sleeps with his wife's best friend is a damn sight more than a silly boy and that actually BIL has behaved like a total sh*t, he says he doesn't want to talk about it any more. There is a conspicuous absence of strong disapproval which is leaving me absolutely terrified.
Part of me is frightened on my own account. I have never doubted him and when we got married I genuinely believed that he was the most moral, honest person I knew, but I'm really confused by his reaction. He works away a lot, which is making my nervousness even worse. I'm also really angry at him on SIL's account. For various (very valid) reasons, PIL are not going to be told and so we're the only members of BIL's family who know. I feel that if I were SIL, I would want to be supported by my husband's family and for his horrible behaviour to be acknowledged rather than tolerated/condoned. She has been a member of our family for years and I just think it would be awful for us to just brush this under the carpet as if nothing has happened - as if her whole world hasn't just come down around her ears. Although |I'm not sure how I would show my support without sticking my nose in to other people's business?
AIBU to expect DH to acknowledge how badly BIL has behaved? Or as it's his brother, is it actually normal to try to minimise it? And should I be hearing massive alarm bells here for my own marriage?