To be pissed at my DBro ?

[thisisanamechangenumber1]

(I have named changed - obviously)

Both me and my brother are adopted (from different birth families)
I have no desire and never had any to look for my birth family, I have a family I dont need another one
My DBro has told me that he is looking for his birth family (he hasn't told our parents)
I know that it is his choice and all that

But for some reason it has really pissed me off and made me angry

Yes YABU he feels differently to you. Show him some support, have you any idea why you feel like this? Do you think your parents will be upset?

I suppose it makes you feel that he thinks your family isn't enough. And that undermines your own choice. But there's probably a lot more to his reasoning than that. Can you talk to him about his reasons?

Why do you feel angry?

You say 'for some reason'

what is it?

You need to identify it in order to deal with it.

Only when you look at it can you respond to it logically.

Do you feel that he should feel the way you feel? Why? Do you feel it is a criticism or rejection? It isn't.

Are you concerned your parents are going to be upset? That doesn't seem unreasonable.

Do you feel it infers you and your parents are not enough for him?
He must have weighed things up carefully before confiding in you. I am sure he will be counselled about moderating expectations. Will you be able to comfort him if he doesn't make any progress?

If you are not interested in seeking your bio parents that is your prerogative. He probably doesn't see it as being disloyal. I can imagine it is very unsettling.

Yabu. Sorry.
Me and my Db are both adopted from diff birth families.
I don't regard or as any of my business what he needs to do.

I think our parents in their heads will understand completely, but in their hearts - no and I think our mum especially will really really struggle with it.

I know it is his right to but I guess it make me feel inadequate (?) like me as a sister isnt enough, that our parents and grandparents and cousins and everyone else arent enough for him

I think YABU but with adoption emotions run very very deep.

You probably do need to talk to someone either in RL or on a specialist board like After Adoption to help you process your feelings. He is opening up a can of worms which might disrupt your adoptive family, and which might make people start asking/expecting you to want to trace too. But you know he does have the right to do this.

At least your DB tracing his birth family doesn't mean you are being forced to find yours, which would be the case if you had the same birth family.

It's so sad you feel that way
Your mum hopefully will have thought that one day one of you will want to, or even both of you

I'm adopted and recently I found my birth mother after years of believing I never wanted to.
I was perfectly happy with my adoptive family and they were enough, but it was after having my DD and having people say to me that she looked so much like me that I realised it was the first time anyone had ever looked like me.
I know it doesn't sound such a big thing and before my DD it wasn't, but suddenly I felt an urge to know more about where I came from and what my birth family looked like.
My sister was upset at first, thinking the same thoughts as you but my decision to find my natural parents were nothing to do with her. I love her and consider her my only true sister. Gradually she realised that the bond we'd built up over years of being siblings was not going to be broken by me finding faces from the past.
I hope you find it in yourself to support your brother, he's going to need it. It can be a very emotional and overwhelming journey finding your birth parents and he's going to need his sisters support more than ever.

Just because he is looking doesn't mean necessarily that he will meet up with them. My brother and I are adopted from different birth families and he has traced his parents, he got as far as writing to his birth father but then has decided to pull back and doesn't intend to meet up with him any time soon.

I'd say the important thing was seeking counselling and support throughout the process and not going it alone. There are quite a few places that provide post adoption support depending on where you live.

I agree that emotions in adoption do run very deep. I don't think it's right for any adoptee to face judgement for making the intensely personal decision to trace, or not to trace. But I also know that you can't help your immediate emotional responses to this, and I also don't think it's right that you be judged for having a strong emotional response.

I think it would be very unreasonable to say anything to your brother about this, because he isn't doing anything wrong and he can't change the way he feels. But I'm not going to say you're unreasonable for feeling this way in the first place, because we can't help our deep down emotional reactions to hearing news like this.

I can see the parallels with my own family actually - I have two adult children, one who has close contact with her birth mum, and the other who has no birth parent contact at all. Although they both see their (birth) siblings. But when it comes to being in touch with birth parents, they think very differently and I know they don't emotionally understand the others response, which has made for difficult conversations in the past.

Whilst you can't help feeling 'inadequate', most adoptees who trace are not doing it because they want another family, and they aren't doing it because their beloved parents and siblings aren't enough. Your brother isn't wanting to replace you. But sometimes there are things people still need, whether that be information, or answers to questions. I guess the way I see it in my head, as an adoptive mum, is that I play a different role to the birth parents and they play a different role to me, so we aren't in competition. Not that that stops me from getting insecure sometimes, or having little emotional wobbles!

The important thing is whether and how I act on my feelings, not that I feel them in the first place (IMHO)

So...do you feel you can offer support to your DB if he wants any support from you? Even if you are feeling conflicted inside, can you say the right things to him, and not make him feel guilty or upset?

Maybe it would help to talk it through with someone?

I completely see why you would feel bad. But I don't think that means he is doing the wrong thing. I hope you find a way to come to terms with your different choices.

YABU but not nastily and I understand - another adoptee with DB from different birth family - however there is nothing you can do about it other than come to terms with it and support him, his life his choice.

YABU to say "pissed" when you mean "pissed off"

Yanbu to feel this way - it's not coming from the rational part of you that understands that it is normal to do what he is doing - if it were me I would probably choose to find out too.

My aunty was adopted and met her birth mother once and that was it - no interest in her whatsoever after that and she is still my mum's sister if not by blood - they are v close. Ironically my mum cut her mum out of her life while her sister (adopted) is still in contact with their dm.

You both have your own paths to tread in regards to your birth parents but that doesn't change who you both are - he is still your brother - it is v understandable why you feel this way but ywbu to let it affect you and your dbro so it's good to vent a little :)

YABU. I understand that your brother looking for his birth family is likely stir up some strong and difficult emotions for all of you, but I think you should do your best to be supportive to him. He's not doing it to hurt anyone, he's doing it because he needs to for the sake of his own mental health.

YABU. He has his needs too, and you should keep your resentment to yourself.