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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not feel comfortable about DD to being driven around by FIL?

28 replies

wishingonastar123 · 12/05/2014 10:20

My MIL has always looked after DD (20 months) for a couple of hours a couple of times a week between me setting off for work and DH getting home from work. I'm totally fine about MIL looking after her.
But FIL retired a couple of months ago so now he's there and they often take her out in the car but I really don't feel comfortable with it.
In recent months his health has really deteriorated, when I've been in a car with him driving lately he seems to drive quite badly, pulling out when there's cars coming etc and a few months ago he had a serious crash on the motorway and he has no idea how it happened. He claims it wasn't his fault but no other vehicle was found to be involved and the insurance company decided it was his fault.
I've discussed my concerns with DH but he thinks I'm being silly.
But I don't even feel safe being in the car with him myself so how can I be happy about DD being in the car with him?
But how on Earth can I say to PIL that I don't want her going in the car with them? MIL doesn't drive so that's not even an option.

OP posts:

KirstyJC · 12/05/2014 10:25

TBH I would just ask them not to drive with her as you don't think he is safe. If he gets upset, tough. Point out that he has already been in one serious accident which he doesn't understand and that you are not prepared for DD to be involved in the next one.

If they complain or you think they will go behind your back anyway, then they don't have her anymore. You can't put her at risk because you don't want to upset him.

And ask DH what he is playing at, risking her safety like that! Does he recognise that the driving is so bad?

mindthegap79 · 12/05/2014 10:28

I agree - ypur dd's safety comes first. You can put it to them nicely, maybe you could gwt mil to back you up?

Original poster

wishingonastar123 · 12/05/2014 10:34

Kirsty I think DH is in denial - I don't think he wants to accept that his Dad is deteriorating but he is. He used to drive for a living and only a couple of years ago I would have said he was a very safe driver. But now he is struggling just to breathe and I get the feeling he could have a heart attack at any moment.

OP posts:

KirstyJC · 12/05/2014 10:40

Sorry to hear this, but I do think you need to be very clear with DH. Would he still be in denial if your DD was hurt or god forbid worse? It sounds like you need to be harsh with him, however hard this will be.

You could phrase it out of concern for FIL - that you don't want to put pressure on him now that he isn't so well etc etc.

But you know you need to force this - you just would never forgive yourself if anything happened, or your FIL or your DH. And it probably will happen - he has had one serious accident already.

Blib3 · 12/05/2014 10:41

If your dh won't address this you will have to bite the bullet and do it yourself by having a chat with them. Tackle the parent you think will deal with the issue with least offence. Be prepared for the worst case scenario though, of someone taking offence and not offering childcare under the conditions you want, in which case you will have to make sure you have a back up childcare plan.

Nanny0gg · 12/05/2014 10:42

How old is your FiL? Was he not prosecuted for that accident?

(YANBU btw)

mindalina · 12/05/2014 10:45

Personally i would be really blunt and just ask him how he thinks he'd feel if his father killed his daughter in a car crash after it's already become apparent that his father is no longer fit to drive. I know it's a bit harsh but that's what it boils down to isn't it.

SaucyJack · 12/05/2014 10:45

YABU to just be sat there worrying about it. There are some less-than-perfect aspects of GP you can turn a blind eye to. Car safety isn't one of them. Put your foot down.

Burren · 12/05/2014 10:48

This is a black and white situation. Put your foot down.

cocacola1 · 12/05/2014 11:19

emaildvla.direct.gov.uk/emaildvla/cegemail/directgov/en/index.html

There is an option there to anonymously report somebody unfit to drive

Mrsjayy · 12/05/2014 12:39

if the FIl is elderly or ill then tbh I think you should get somebody else to look after the baby , can you imagine the fall out if you tell this man you dont want him driving with your baby, it will come across as you dont trust the grandparents in all aspects of her care and not the way you intend it to be

wowfudge · 12/05/2014 12:51

I agree you shouldn't let him continue to drive your DD around, but it sounds as though you have serious concerns for his health. Perhaps you could talk to them about that and as part of that say that you have noticed his driving isn't what it was, what a bad experience the mway crash must have been, etc (although lucky no one else was involved) and perhaps it would take the pressure off him if he were to take things easy and let someone else, e.g. taxi or bus driver take the strain.

Depending on how that conversation goes, then you can decide about your DD's care - will they still help out on the condition he doesn't drive her anywhere and can you trust them to abide by your wishes?

You can always report him to DVLA too - in fact I would if I were you. There has been a lot of debate on the issues of the elderly continuing to drive on Radio 2 on the Jeremy Vine show (it recurs at least annually). You might be able to find some helpful info via the Radio 2 website?

rallytog1 · 12/05/2014 13:40

I don't have any clever ideas for how you can deal with this situation, but YADNBU. Car safety is no joke. Some people don't realise that driving is a privilege and a responsibility - not a right.

littleredsquirrel · 12/05/2014 13:46

We have had exactly this situation. DH didn't want to deal with it as he sees such things as criticism of his parents. We ended up dealing with it by avoiding the issue. We stopped having PIL look after the DC's on a regular basis. It was unfortunately the only way to deal with the problems without causing major family upset. They still come here to babysit sometimes or the DC's will go there but not for any length of time really so car journeys not necessary.

nameuschangeus · 12/05/2014 13:52

You have my sympathy OP. I was in the same situation as you and in the end I just manoeuvred things so that my ds's did not go in the car with dh's dad. It doesn't look as though you'll be able to do that do you might have to bite the bullet and say something aloud. Could you speak with mil in a gentle way rather than laying down an ultimatum. Doubtless she will have noticed the erratic driving and she will be in a place to be able to say to him 'no, let's just stay here and play a game' or go to the park or whatever if he suggests a drive out. Good luck.

DuckworthLewis · 12/05/2014 13:52

What CocaCola said - if he is unfit to drive your DD, then he is unfit to drive at all.

TBH, I dislike this attitude that as long as your precious DD is ok, that's all that matters. What about the rest of the people who happen to be on the road at the same time as him? We are all somebody's DC.

You have to report him, if he killed anyone (your DD or anyone else) you'd never be able to live with yourself.

struggling100 · 12/05/2014 13:56

I agree with the posters who are saying that the problem here is bigger than your DD.

However, I know that confronting the failing powers of an ageing person (and, dare I say it, an ageing man in particular) is an extremely difficult and delicate thing to have to do, and you definitely have my sympathy. Family denial definitely does not help.

I think you have to raise the wider issues of his driving in a firm way, perhaps using an absolute prohibition on his driving your daughter to do this. It is, however, his responsibility as a grown man to make that decision - all you can do, really, is to keep your daughter safe.

Original poster

wishingonastar123 · 12/05/2014 14:51

Thank you for all your support - DH has been letting me think I'm just a paranoid fool and I'm over reacting. TBH I do have a tenancy to over react to things so to hear others saying I'm not being unreasonable reassures me.

PIL are lovely people, I can't see them getting angry about saying he can't drive DD but I can seeing them being hurt about it. I can also see that it can cause logistical issues for them as when they have their other grandkids in the holidays they like to take them all out. Lately they even asked about FIL getting insured on our 7 seater so they can take them all out. Not a chance!!

I think DH needs to speak to MIL first, she may have noticed the decline in his driving too and if she has then it would come better from her.

Regarding the accident, he wasn't prosecuted, probably because nobody else was involved and they weren't really sure what caused it. He was driving down the motorway and somehow ended up crashed in to the wall of a motorway bridge, he thinks he must have been clipped by a lorry but there was no evidence of that.
According to DH as he was driving for a living at the time he was made to undergo some kind of check to make sure he was fit to drive, so apparently that means he's fine. But I'm not sure if he is just assuming that or knows that for a fact, or maybe he failed and that's why he retired soon after?

I am greatly concerned about his health. He has a terrible terrible cough and you can here is chest rattle with every breathe he takes, I asked DH about it and he said it's just some bronchus problem he's had for years. But I strongly suspect that it's COPD which I watched my Grandma die a horrible death from.
I don't even know if he has been properly checked out and receiving medical treatment for it. Of course he smokes which is another issue. Since he's retired so spending more time at home the house stinks of smoke and so does the car.

I need to look for other childcare don't I? But I know it will break MIL's heart for her to stop looking after DD, she lives for her DGC and is a fantastic Grandma

OP posts:

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 12/05/2014 14:54

The second-hand smoke would be reason enough for me - in fact more of a reason than the driving TBH.

It's a tough one OP. Good luck.

petalsandstars · 12/05/2014 15:07

Yep. I would not let him drive DD but the smoking would have already stopped me taking her there for childcare on a regular basis.

parakeet · 12/05/2014 15:58

He could easily have killed someone in the previous motorway crash. Irrespective of what you decide about your childcare, please report anonymously to DVLA today.

Suppose it's someone else's daughter he kills instead of yours? Will that make it alright?

CanaryYellow · 12/05/2014 16:03

If he's as unwell as you say, then that alone would make me think about looking for alternative childcare.

But when you add in the smoking in the house and car, and dangerous driving, then yes, you definitely need to find other childcare.

mummymeister · 12/05/2014 16:12

sorry OP but you need to bite the bullet and get some other childcare. there are just too many issues here to sort out. the problem with the elderly and driving is that this is a lifeline for them. many know they will completely lose their independence when they can no longer drive so they just cling on to it for ever. even if you tell them, they just wont acknowledge it I am afraid. telling the DVLA is pretty pointless too. we have also tried telling the GP and again no action taken. we know that something will only be done when it is too late. I really wish there were compulsory re-tests every 3 years for people over 70. this is a problem that is only going to get worse with an aging population. good luck. I don't envy you but with sensitivity you can make sure they see the children as much as they do now only on your terms and away from the driving and smoking situation.

TrevaronGirl · 12/05/2014 16:15

"Report him" but what happens then?

The DVLA are not simply going to accept your 'report' (or at least I hope they are not).

Does anyone know what happens? Would OP's FIL be asked to take a medical; a driving test?

What is the procedure.

Surely a bit more than just "reporting him" is involved?

MrsMook · 12/05/2014 16:28

From your description of the accident and the coughing, it sounds like he fell asleep. DH's colleague had no idea he had sleep apnoea until he had an accident caused by falling asleep. Medically, it sounds like it needs checking. Tiredness from poor quality sleep could be triggering the decline in his judgement if he's always coughing.

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