To feel this was not normal?

[Sofapotato]

I have been doing some counselling, and issues from my childhood keep coming up. I don't have an appointment until next week but I have had something on my mind and wondered if I could check it out with MN to see if it was normal. It doesn't feel acceptable to me, there's no way I would do this to my own child.

Basically, I can't really cry in front of anyone, only by myself. I have on rare occassions cried in front of my ex partner and also sometimes on the phone with people I'm close to, but it all makes me very uncomfortable.

When I was little crying tended to make everything worse. I can't really remember being comforted if I cried, ever - I think they would try to reason with me, and ask what was wrong - but if that didn't calm me down, then my parents would get angry or cry as well and then leave me alone to cry by myself until I fell asleep from exhaustion. The next day I would have to work hard to show that I was 'normal' again, and I would be so relieved that I was out of the doghouse I would push away whatever the other pain was for a while, until it would come back again. I was a very insecure child with unreliable key family members, so I would get really angry and upset at times, trying to convey how desperate I felt. So I feel that maybe it was my fault for being such a difficult child that I made them abandon me like that when I was in so much emotional distress. As I got older I learned how to keep a lid on it, and although I was a fiery teenager at times I was very self controlled in the main, but became very depressed at times, because the pain didn't go away.

I am in my 30's now. So maybe I'm judging my parents by modern standards - ie like I say I wouldn't leave my child to sob themselves to sleep - but maybe that was how things were done years ago?

Too uncomfortable to discuss this with friends.

This doesn't really address your issues, OP, but I used to find it difficult when my dd2 started weeping and wailing hysterically, which was pretty often. I read 'How to talk so your kids will listen' and it has some fantastic advice on how to cope with emotions in your children. Turns out listening and validating what they say works much better than trying to convince them everything is ok, or reasoning with them. I feel a bit stupid I didn't realise this, but just being empathic and listening shortens her paddies considerably. Sorry you didn't had the same growing up- but I think that tendency to try to make it ok for children, and then get exasperated when they still continue crying is a common one and doesn't necessarily mean they didn't mean well, but it isn't the best parenting.

I agree with subtle

The point of counselling is to look at the messages you got as a child so that you can understand where current behaviours and emotional reactions come from, and to, hopefully be able to choose whether they are currently functional and useful for you.

In my own case, i now realise my mum could not handle anger from me. It made her feel very scared ( because of her father's anger towards her). I think because of that, it took me a long time to learn how to handle my own angry feelings by becoming assertive.

quiet

yes. I deal very differently with my children's emotional outbursts than my mum did. Always talk about it after the initial storm has passed. Something my parents never did

It sounds familiar but I don't think mine was a healthy childhood either. If I was upset about anything, I was being a drama queen, and one of my earliest memories is being screamed at that I'd ruined my mother's life. I also remember that she used to tell everyone and make a joke of it if I was upset. As I grew older she got worse. I haven't spoken to her in twenty years, best thing I could ever have done for myself.

But it wasn't your fault, op. It just says that your parents couldn't cope

Thank you all, it means a lot.

My family swept things under the rug too. Though I never wanted comfort, I didn't want them to know that anything was wrong - that thought was more terrifying to me than anything. It was very important to "be ok".
I don't turn to my family for anything now either, and I don't have any want or inclination to. I mentioned troubles with my MIL to my mum a while back (several years after they had happened). My mum mentioned being sad that I hadn't gone to her, 'not that she could have done anything, but I would have liked to have been there to support you'. You never were there, it's no use being sad about things now, I will never turn to you. Not that I will ever say that to her, I've no wish to hurt her, but that is the truth of the matter. I never turned to her, she has never for me been a source of support and she never will be - regardless of how 'sad' it might make her feel.
I hope things will be different with my daughter.
Nowadays the only person I turn to is DH - he's the only person I cry with too, but now that the floodgates are open I rather feel like I cry with him too much.
Umm so, no, I don't think it is "normal". It seems there are far too many of us with issues left over from childhood. But I hope the counselling and talking things through here will help.