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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that DH should apologise?

43 replies

Lovestosing · 10/05/2014 15:23

I'm really pissed off at the moment. DH has been in the States for a week, came back last night and is understandably rather tired, it was an overnight flight from the States although he did sleep on the plane it was rather fitful.
The DCs were so excited see him, he has been away for a week, prior to that he was away 3 days and came back 24 hours before going to the States, then he was away at a Stag do a few days before that. Basically they've only seen him for about 3 days in the last two weeks. They have all been ill this week and have all been up in the night coughing every night this week. In a nutshell, we're all tired too.
This morning DH had a lie in whilst I took DS and DD1 swimming (DD2 came too to give DH peace) then I got back and got DD1 and DD2 ready for ballet. I then heard DH bawling at DS (7) about the state of his room, really laying into him. He then shouted for DD1 (6) to come upstairs and proceeded to do the same to her. I called up to him and said there was no need for him to them like that and pointed out he has barely seen them lately, etc but he took no notice. I went upstairs to find DS and DD1 both in tears, which is very rare for DS. I was fuming but as we had to go out I had no time to discuss it with DH. As far as I'm aware he hasn't apologised and has shown no remorse for his behaviour. I just can't understand why he thinks it's ok to treat them like that, he has spent no time with them for the last two weeks. I am exhausted too, having to deal with the 3 DCs being ill, working every day and doing all the rest of the stuff and yes I do get grumpy with them at times but I think he has behaved appallingly. Just wanted to rant!

OP posts:
cjelh · 10/05/2014 17:12

I think that he needs to react to the thing that is making him crabby - the job, the travel, the jet lag etc and not look for excuses at home to blow up. I would want to make sure this didn't happen again. Did you at any point tell him if he didn't like, stain or mess now he was home he could do it? or does he think that as he works long hours everything else is up to you??

ICanSeeTheSun · 10/05/2014 17:14

No way would I stand for it.

DC bedrooms are always a tip, I really don't care that's what big boxes are for.

I understand he is tired, however he would speak to that with his friends or strangers so why does it give him the right to verbally abuse you and the kids.

I would be having serious words with him about his behaviour.

This is a home not a hotel

ICanSeeTheSun · 10/05/2014 17:16

The sex thing, I wouldn't withhold sex as a weapon but then again I couldn't have sex with DH if he has been shouting and moaning all say. What a turn off.

Sigyn · 10/05/2014 17:47

Hang on.

Stag Do? Hmm

I think if he has a job that needs him to be away, well ok.

(although I do also agree that a talk over whether he can really deal with the being away stuff, and be a good dad/partner, might be in order)

But if you are away that much, sorry, no stag dos. Certainly not multiple night away Stag Dos!

He's taking you for granted, OP.

When my partner has been away for several days, even if he's tired he does the childcare for the next day so I get a break. (and also so he sees the kids.

(and I do the same for him).

He's had an entire transatlantic flight to sleep on, while you've been sick and working. He's trying it on.

Suggest next time he skips the stag do and pays for a cleaner for you for while he's away. Not for his sake, but for you, to make it easier on you.

Sigyn · 10/05/2014 17:50

My partner was in America recently. Three weeks, whistlestop tour of places relevant to his work. He scarcely saw "America", besides passport control. They had meetings in the car, meetings on interstate flights, etc.

He still had a good night's sleep every night and did get some sleep on the flight. They don't treat you so badly that you're going to be more tired than your wife who has looked after the kids singlehandedly, while everyone is sick.

Fairenuff · 10/05/2014 17:55

You say he does a little bit of tidying and no cleaning?

Is that something that you are happy with OP?

Time to 'measure your leisure' I think. Who has the most free time (completely free, no kids, do what you want time).

Original poster
Lovestosing · 10/05/2014 18:17

Well I have 2 hours more at home every day, after I've picked the DCs up. I make the dinner in that time and have a general tidy round after the morning mess, and also sort DCs out with drinks and snacks and have a general chat to them about their day.
DH usually comes home and has dinner then I go upstairs, run the bath for the DCs, sort out their pyjamas and clothes for next day. When they're in the bath I usually put clean washing away. I usually have to shout to him to supervise them, especially youngest DC as she doesn't clean her teeth well. I usually read with DS after bath, whilst DH goes downstairs and has a rest. We'll then tidy up downstairs and sort out the dinner pots, we usually do this together but as he's out two nights a week with his hobby I do it all. I now clean on a weekend mostly, although I always wipe surfaces and sweep floors every day. Laundry has to be done every day which is usually me during the week, and I cook every night. DH usually takes the eldest two swimming every week but that's about it in terms of looking after them on his own.

OP posts:
Sigyn · 10/05/2014 18:35

"Well I have 2 hours more at home every day, after I've picked the DCs up. "

You mean, you have two hours with the kids?

"I usually read with DS after bath, whilst DH goes downstairs and has a rest. ".

"he's out two nights a week with his hobby I do it all. I now clean on a weekend mostly".

I'd have a look at these things. Your relationship doesn't sound equal at all.

Looking after kids is work. Its demanding and hard. Don't underestimate the amount you are doing.

The fact he seems to need a rest after even a short time supervising your kids kind of indicates just how hard it is.

Icimoi · 10/05/2014 18:50

What happens if you shout at him first? I used to tiptoe round DH when he was in that sort of mood, but eventually he took his bad temper out on the kids once too often and I told him he was being totally unfair on them. As he opened his mouth to start shouting at me, I said, calmly but loudly "Don't shout at me, you don't get to take your temper out on me or any of us" and walked away. He was completely nonplussed and didn't know what to do, but started growing up from that point onwards.

Original poster
Lovestosing · 10/05/2014 19:03

I do get cross with him, and I will tell him if I'm pissed off with him. I usually get pissed off with him for criticising me, that is how 90% of our arguments begin, I defend myself and often in a heated manner, he declares that he wasn't having a go and that I'm overreacting. Sigh. Yes, I do do the lion's share of the housework and the child care.

OP posts:
Sigyn · 10/05/2014 19:09

Do you, perhaps, have a hobby that you might like to do out of the house two nights a week?

ExcuseTypos · 10/05/2014 19:11

He sounds lovelyHmm

Yes he should apologise to the dc and then to you for waiting to tell you off after he'd has sex!

And a stag do a few days before going away for a few weeks? He needs to sort his priorities out.

Nanny0gg · 10/05/2014 21:09

He clearly thinks you're the hired help.

With benefits.

Quangle · 10/05/2014 21:20

tiiredness is absolutely no excuse. Tiredness is an absolute fact of life with small children so suck it up and get on with it. I'm a single parent of two and have a full time job. I regularly get through an entire day of work plus homework, housework and bedtime routine on very little sleep because one or other of them has been up or ill or something. And this is not unusual because of my circs. All parents do this. I sometimes feel irritable with my children but if I start to get grumpy then I know it's my problem and I need to get some balance back in my life so I'll go to bed at 8pm for a few nights.

He should be excited to see them after a few days away - and relishing the chance for some cuddles. I know children are a pain but they should be a joy too....

Something's not right here and you are doing an awful lot of accommodating his needs. Who the hell has serious hobbies when they have a full time job plus three small children? He simply isn't giving enough of himself for you all and something has to give.

DaffyDuck88 · 10/05/2014 23:12

He should definitely apologise OP, and acknowledge all that you do. A messy kids room is par for the course and if they have recently been ill he should be more concerned about that. If he can't be then leave him to sort himself out in terms of food, washing and anything else you can think of. Management has to right to refuse service doesn't it?

Randomly, re paint stains - having dropped a pot of white paint on green carpet…. I can swear by surgical spirit. Not turps, actual surgical spirit. Scrub it in with a brush. Might take a couple of goes and will sadly smell of surgical spirit for a while but it did work for me.

cerealqueen · 10/05/2014 23:23

YANBU.
I'd be more peeved about the carpet stain moan TBH!!

Icimoi · 10/05/2014 23:35

DH has basically had one interrupted night's sleep in two weeks whilst you've had several, and he thinks he's entitled to be bad tempered because he's tired? FGS.

JapaneseMargaret · 11/05/2014 00:00

It's how 90% of our arguments begin as well, me reacting 'defensively' to criticism.

I sometimes wish I knew how we could communicate better.

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