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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be apprehensive about dh job change (Again)

19 replies

LibraryMum8 · 10/05/2014 14:59

3.5 years ago we moved clear cross country for dh's job change. It's gone well and he's reasonably happy.

Now he's being offered Another job with a different outfit that are stroking his ego which he finds Very flattering. Which he should. But he's a bit impulsive and is ready to ditch the old 'new' job. It would be local though so no moving involved.

Am I being unreasonable to be apprehensive about him flitting around like this? He is not unhappy at the current job and the new job's benefits might not be as good. His salary would remain the same, not gobs mire money, and his current job is secure with little traveling.

I see he's flattered but you can't go flitting off just because someone strokes your ego. His line if work is limited and I'm afraid if the new job doesn't work out he'd then be forced to commute to a different state. I've made it clear after I've and dc have moved for good current job we're NOT moving again. Dc are in excellent school and I'm not uprooting once again just for dh again especially since he is Not unhappy.

So AIBU?

OP posts:

MrsBrianODriscoll · 10/05/2014 15:01

Depends on how old he is.

Original poster

LibraryMum8 · 10/05/2014 15:05

Job before this one he was there 7 years and things were getting awful fir him and I supported the move.

OP posts:

MrsBrianODriscoll · 10/05/2014 15:07

He is not exactly flitting, but I would not be overly happy about moving just because he is having his ego stroked.Tell him to push the envelope and see what they say.

TwelveLeggedWalk · 10/05/2014 15:10

If he's in a good job with a decent salary and little travelling, and your DCs are in good schools, then there is no reason to go is there? Unless they offer pots more cash or there is some other incentive for you to uproot your family, this would be a very short conversation for me.

TwelveLeggedWalk · 10/05/2014 15:11

Sorry, just seen that this one isn't uprooting.

In that case it is basically down to him, but at his stage in a career 3 years isn't an awfully long time to be in a job and leave unless for a clear promotion.

TheNewSchmoo · 10/05/2014 15:14

Maybe it's not about the salary and benefits for him, but the job satisfaction. I could understand if his moving would impact the family finances or family life, but as it wouldn't I do think you are unreasonable to claim it is just because he is having his ego stroked.

I think it would bes different response if the shoe was on the other foot.

Flyonthewindscreen · 10/05/2014 15:15

YANBU, not a good idea to uproot DC who are happy in good schools for a job that is not as secure and doesn't offer better money or benefits and your DH isn't even unhappy and wasn't thinking about a new job before this offer was made!

Flyonthewindscreen · 10/05/2014 15:17

Sorry just seen no uprooting for you and DC at this stage, well up to him then but I would be very clear to him that you aren't prepared to relocate again if it doesn't work out.

Original poster

LibraryMum8 · 10/05/2014 15:23

New job is local so no uprooting. But very limited field, so if this job did not work out (or he would get another offer which is likely, he's good in his field) I'm afraid That would be one he'd have to commute to.

Don't mean to drip feed but last year he had an affair and I'm feeling unstable as it is. That's cleared up but obviously doing another job not adding to my feelings of stability. He does not know I feel this way (first being unfaithful, now waiting 'another' change of scenery...

Should I tell him this? Or would that just open the can of worms again?

OP posts:

Original poster

LibraryMum8 · 10/05/2014 15:27

Everyone sees him as so infallible, brilliant job, brilliant dad, 'brilliant' husband [hmmm] and basically tells me how lucky I am. Well he is lucky too that I didn't throw him on his arse, but of course you can't tell people that, and it's just irritating.

OP posts:

Topaz25 · 10/05/2014 15:48

Before I read your most recent posts I was just about to ask if you actually like your husband. Your contempt towards him really comes across in the language you use and I think your anger about the affair is influencing your opinion of this job change, which is unrelated. He has been at his current job for 3.5 years and stuck with the previous one for 7, hardly "flitting"! Did you and your husband have couples counselling after the affair? It is important to communicate your feelings to him and work through your anger and couples counselling could help you do this in a healthy way.

Original poster

LibraryMum8 · 10/05/2014 18:38

Yes I love and like him. Right now we're out of country for a visit and it brings back bad memories because we were here last year at this time while he was having the affair. So I'm sure I'm having some PTSD just being here.

OP posts:

Original poster

LibraryMum8 · 10/05/2014 18:41

We did have counseling together and apart. My bouts of bad feelings are much further apart than they used to be so I'm making progress. You are right though they are separate issues. Just in a bad place right now but I'm sure things will be better in a few days.

OP posts:

HappyMummyOfOne · 10/05/2014 19:08

As long as he doesnt interfere with your job/career then he should get the say in his. Its him that will be working there and job satisfaction is important.

I'd class moving every year to a new job as flitting, not two previous ones in ten years.

TwelveLeggedWalk · 11/05/2014 14:22

Was his affair with a work colleague? Might he be trying to put some distance there?

LynetteScavo · 11/05/2014 14:29

I totally get why you don't want him to change jobs, but if he's the sort of person to always be looking for something new (job/woman/car) maybe this will be a way to keep him occupied/satisifed?

He's a grown up, and as long as he's providing financially for the family, it's up to him to decide where he wan'ts to make the money, as long as it doesn't affect you and the DC, so really you have to let him decide.

andream34 · 11/05/2014 14:31

You say "he is not unhappy at the current job and the new job's benefits might not be as good. His salary would remain the same... and his current job is secure with little travelling", to me it sounds ideal.

Have you pinpointed exactly why he wants to change? I guess he't not had many job changes, but to start having a job change often on a CV at that age would eventually look a bit suspicious, and eventually it could turn out that the grass is not as green on the other side of the fence as it is at the moment.

Igggi · 11/05/2014 14:35

The issue of potentially travelling with his job isn't just for him to decide though - both that this new role may require extra travelling (= extra work for other parent) and that he is reducing his options in the new role so could lead to relocation in the future.

Topaz25 · 12/05/2014 13:12

I'm not excusing the affair at all but maybe it was linked to low self esteem and feelings of dissatisfaction and stagnation in other areas of his life, such as his career. Maybe he is now trying to address these issues, which could ultimately create more stability.

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