To not be coping with jealousy that my dc are not dh first DC

[balenciaga]

I have 2 dc with dh plus another ds from a previous relationship. Dh is older and he has got an almost adult dc from his first marriage

Our second dc is four weeks old and tbh I'm struggling bad with pnd anyway. It's really come to the surface since she's been born, it did after my other one as well

I have always been jealous that dh has had a family before the one he had with me. I have never had a family until I met dh and had our dc. when I met dh I was a very young single Mum to a baby ds, I'd never had a good relationship with his dad and I left him when ds was just a few months.

I just feel mine and dh dc will never ever be as special as dh firstborn. That our family will not be as special as his first as he's done it all before. He doesn't do anything to make Me think that btw he clearly loves and adores all our Dc. It's probably just in my own head, but everyone says nothings as special as your PFB. (Although my "PFB" wasn't special. Sounds awful but tbh the whole thing was a bad experience and I did not bond with him, he's 8 now and Tbh I still struggle now with him :( )

Anyway because he's done it all before, had his firstborn, I feel Therefore me and my dc are not good enough somehow

Tbh sometimes the feelings are so strong I have thought of ending it with dh because I feel I will never cope with it. But I'm crazy about dh and couldn't live without him, so in my darkest moments I have even considered suicide because I feel that would be the only way to end the pain. I can't believe I'm admitting this

Please help me someone I'm aware I sound mad

It is not his past which is the problem- just your inability to be able to cope with it I really think the only way to deal with your feelings is to persevere with different therapies until you find one which works! and you will.

Have a go with Rob Kelly's Thrive, it's private but usually only requires 6 sessions.

Think of it this way. You have the best version of your dh. Yes he is doing it for the second time but it will be completely different for him. Lost of dads don't appreciate their kids the first time around. They take everything for granted. The second time around, they are older and wiser, appreciate everything with second set of children.

Perhaps you can talk to your Hv about your fears, perhaps write what you have said in your post and give it to her.

You probably need therapy. Not counselling, not cbt actual.proper therapy. Someone upthread mentioned the Tavistock. Talk to them they are brilliant. They will recommend someone. Your DH and your DCs, but most of all you, need and deserve for you to do this so that you can stop feeling like this.

you need full therapy - the kind that will look at the roots of your anxiety, paranoia and jealousy where it lies - in your childhood and your family relationships.

Please don't make the mistake of thinking that if your relationship was 'right' you wouldnt feel this way. You feel like this because you are wounded/ traumatised by childhood issues and they have 'wired' your brain to react in a particular way to events. It's not the events / actual reality itself.

Nothing your partner can say will reassure you, because your brain will always look to protect you by remaining anxious and afraid - it's called hypervigilance you can read about it online.

Go on the BACP website and find a local psychotherapist.

CBT is not proper therapy neither is counselling.

If you are in London look at the Tavistock centre or speak to them for a local recommendation.

I understand your feelings, I have always felt this way, but fortunately for me I managed to avoid all men with children, so it is less relevant for me now. Dh have one ds and are expecting another. I do still worry about us separating and him having a second family however.

I think it all comes down to self esteem and wanting to be the first choice and the first priority.

Seek some advice about counselling as I think your feelings are valid but you need help so that they don't overwhelm your life and your relationship

Dh and I have one ds and are expecting another.

Balenciaga, your hormones are all over the place and you're not thinking straight, as you realise. Get some counselling, try to get some sleep, and keep reminding yourself that both you and your dh have learnt a lot from your previous relationships and from parenting your older children, you are blessed to be able to bring that learning to caring for your new baby, older children and each other. You have chosen to be together and be a family. You don't have second best, you have a fresh chapter! Good luck!

I second and third everyone else in that the 'Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships' is a fantastic place to go to access highly trained and experienced relationship psychotherapists and counsellors.

TCCR

They also have a referral list for therapists if you cannot attend their centres in central London.

It sounds as if you are really struggling emotionally and it doesn't have to be this way. You deserve so much better and to be enjoying the lovely family you have, not feeling overwhelmed by paranoid and irrational thoughts.

And by the way, not all counselling is created equal... some counsellors apparently can qualify after a weekend's training. A counsellor who trained with the Tavistock has had four years of postgraduate study and clinical experience.

Best wishes and good luck OP x

Oh, and I forgot to add that the Tavistock's session fees are means tested so you pay what you can reasonably afford.

Thanks for the advice re the Tavistock counselling

Have just had a look at the website and emailed them, I hope they offer it in my area

I'm not sure dh will agree to it though,

I can't help thinking though if we've got to the stage of bloody relationship counselling we may as well just throw in the towel

I'm so miserable today been lying awake since 7 just thinking and thinking about all this

Why can't i just be happy? Why can't I be normal and have a normal family and a normal relationship, I must be such a freak

Balenciaga you can attend counselling/psychotherapy at the Tavistock as an individual as well.

It may be that you don't need relationship counselling with your partner at this point in time [although it can be very helpful if you both wish to access support].

However I do think that relationship counselling will be useful for you as it is relationships that are causing you concern - that is the relationship you had with your ex, the relationship you have with your son, the relationship you have with your adult stepchild... It is possible that some of these issues also have links back to relationships in your past, for example parents and siblings.

Relationship counsellors/psychotherapists are trained to work with all these relationships and their meaning for you.

Hopefully the Tavistock can help you or point you in the direction of a suitable service or therapist conveniently located for you.

Oh and by the way, you are definitely not a freak. Most people struggle with relationships in some form or another. It is just that unfortunately a lot of people never access the support they need and suffer silently, leading you to feel is not normal to be feeling the way you do as no-one else is admitting to it...

I think often the hardest part is recognising you are unhappy and that something needs to change. You have already done this [so are far ahead of those who are still mired in denial]. You have also already made contact with a therapy organisation and are waiting for some advice. The next step will be making a decision on a suitable place to have your first session and then just take it from there. One step at a time and take it at your own pace. You deserve to feel happier and enjoy the family you have and I think you will get to that point, as hard as it may be to believe that now.

Best wishes x

Haven't rtft so apologies if someone has suggested it, but haven't you thought about DSD and how she might be jealous of your family? Or DS not feeling as special as your other children from this marriage?

Blending families is hard, but it isn't a case of one family and another family. You're blending them together to make a new, bigger one. DSD will always exist, so will your DHs XW and the father of your DS. What if your DH said HE was upset that you had a child that wasn't his? I know you didn't have a conventional family but you were a family, you and DS, and if your DH said he was jealous and his kids with you weren't as special as DS you'd think him to be so wrong and you'd be so hurt, wouldn't you?

I know this is hard right now, and I really hope you get help with your PND soon. This post wasn't meant to upset you, but maybe just show you a different POV. I was the child from the first marriage and although I love my stepdad and my sister, I always felt like they were the family and I wasn't because I wasn't the same, he wasn't actually my dad and couldn't love me so much. Blended families can be difficult for everyone involved.

Leaving your husband isn't the answer, and you're not a bad person for feeling this way. I hope you get better soon OP and can start enjoying all your children and your marriage. You're special to him, or he wouldn't have chosen you to start this family with. If his other was so amazing and special, he'd still be there right now and not in love with you and your DCs.

Hi lemony

Yeah dsd is jealous too I think :( don't want to go into it too much but someone (a relative) said to dsd on FB "don't worry Dsd he (ie dh) can only have one firstborn" which tbh triggered all this (although the fact he's already had his PFB has always been very much on my mind)

It's something I can never "give" him

I also wanted a boy with him as he'd never had a boy and it's horrible to say but when we had 20 wk scan and found out dd2 was a girl I was initially disappointed

Also when we first decided to ttc dd2 part of me felt I would have one up over his ex as I'd have 2 dc with him whereas she only had one with him Again I'm really ashamed of thinking like this. Life's not a competition Ffs

But just want him to love me "the most" and be "the best" he's ever had in every way ...see I know how nuts that sounds

Balenciaga you truly do not sound nuts... A lot of people have hidden envious thoughts and worry about being second best or unimportant or powerless.

However when we become aware that these thoughts are causing us undue distress [and possibly also to those around us] that is when we really need to get some support, a safe and confidential place in which to explore these feelings and try and understand where they are coming from.

I suspect that some of your feelings are actually coming from a far deeper place, perhaps from childhood... feelings of being second rate and unimportant and perhaps easily outlooked... Because they run so deep they might be very difficult to identify immediately but a trained therapist will give you time and support in order to begin to look at this and realise that yes, life is not a competition and you are valuable and important, both to the people who love you and ultimately also to yourself.

I wish I had wise words for you Balenciaga but you've had some fantastic advice on this thread. I do think half the battle is being willing to face up to how you feel and open to accepting help: sometimes that can be the hard part.

Be kind to yourself.

Just wanted to give you a

Balenciaga - you are not nuts. You do have unresolved problems, obviously - but refusing to address them is going to make things harder, not easier.

I understand you don't want anti-depressants because they make you feel numb - but you need something to help with what is almost certainly PND, and you can take them short-term just to get you over the hormonal hump. You can then come off them again. They are there to help you, to dampen down your responses to stressful stimuli, so yes, you are likely to feel a bit numb - but then you come off them again and can cope.

I think you are over-reacting to the idea of counselling - it's not relationship counselling that's really being suggested, but personal counselling for you. However, if it were relationship counselling, then it would show that you thought your relationship WAS worth fighting for (no one WANTS to do counselling for their relationship, but to just throw in the towel without even giving it a go if it might be needed is utterly defeatist).

The first step forward here is you recognising that you need some help, which you have done; and then accepting the type of help that is on offer, instead of rejecting it and self-flagellating instead.

There are ways out of your pit of despondency - please take one of them.

Thank you all for all your kind words

I'm completely embarrassed tbh

Embarrassed to feel like this, embarrassed that dh knows, embarrassed that I love someone so much (if I didn't care it would be easier!!) embarrassed I can't seem to have a simple relationship

I feel a failure

I will go for counselling as I really think I need to do something. I'm waiting to hear back from them, I just hope I can get it in my area.

As for the ADs am trying to get the courage to go to the gp as I hate going there as mines shit. But I know I need something to get me through. as ATM I am just existing. I don't like leaving the house, I don't want to see anyone, I dread even the school run as I just want to hide. I lie to my friends about why I can't meet. I'm not coping at all with the lack of sleep, or any of the Dcs. I can't cope with the fact that dh and I have no relationship ATM because of having a new baby. my life is like a black hole of despair and I'm only happy when I'm asleep because I can forget everything. But I am hardly getting any sleep

I can relate to a lot of this, DP has a young daughter, his ex caught first month of trying she is 47 to my 30, we are about to have our 3rd ivf this time with donor eggs, it kills me everyday, I'm consumed with negative thoughts and feelings and I know it's wrong, I hate the fact I can't give him a child, his first born is a bio child with his ex, I'm scared how I will feel if the ivf works but even more scared of how I will feel if it doesn't, I am also hoping I can at least give him a son. I often think about her pregnancy and labour and the birth and how it won't be the same this time round, I'm sure it's all made worse due to my infertility, if the treatment fails I think I might have to end it as I can't deal with how I feel. I know it's wrong and I'm sorry if I sound like a terrible person