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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be possessive over my son?

53 replies

charcarter87 · 09/05/2014 19:05

So my brothers fiance from when my son was born has taken photos of him and put them on social media sites. I asked her and everyone I know to tag me in photos put on facebook but I don't know about instagram and so didn't want any on there...so that I know what's on the internet, as I didn't really want other people seeing them before I did. She got really upset, I must say, she has body dismorphia and bulimia and is very emotional all the time which is a lot if stress for my brother but I feel I had to say something I felt strongly about...since then she has told my family that she's scared of doing anything wrong with my son and of me and reeeeally plays on it because she's learnt it gets her attention, all because of one thing I said I wasn't happy about. At the time she said "I'd never do anything to upset you, I will always tag you" I have since joined instagram and have a couple of my son on my page. Then looking through it today...I've seen photos on there, of my son, that she has tagged alllllll of her friends and not me!!! She's posing for selfies with him and one of him and my brother with a caption of 'two very special people' he looks like HER son! To not tag me I find just rude and like I don't trust her that they aren't other places? If I speak to her she may say she thought she didn't need to as Iv seen them on facebook and it might come across as I'm being all scary again...but am I being unreasonable to be so possessive, if it makes me feel very uncomfortable!

OP posts:

MrsAtticus · 09/05/2014 20:12

YANBU, I would be extremely cross if I were you. Because of social networking sites and the possibility of photos getting on there I don't even let many people take photos of my children.

softlysoftly · 09/05/2014 20:15

she may say she thought she didn't need to as Iv seen them on facebook

t sounds from your post that you have seen these photos already on Facebook and she tagged you as requested?

So your issue is that she posted the same photos to instagram?

To be honest that makes you unreasonable because:

She stuck to your tagging rule on facebook

She couldn't tag you on instagram as you aren't a user

she could reasonably assume once the pictures are on social media they are out there and adding them to another social media site doesn't matter.

I think you need to either ban pictures being posted at all as one of my sisters does which is fine. Or accept that there are pictures out there and let it go.

DoJo · 09/05/2014 20:19

It sounds as though she didn't tag you in the ones on Instagram because you told her you weren't a member. And if they are the same as the ones on Facebook, then what's the problem? You're either happy for them to be on the internet or not - whether they appear on one social networking site or another make precious little difference.

It's difficult - I like to know what photos of my son are out on the internet, but then I don't let people look after him that I don't think appreciate that. If you are happy to let her babysit your son to give you a break, then you might need to be a bit more accommodating about her desire to show the world what a doting near-auntie she is. Now that she knows you are on Instagram, are you happy for her to just tag you in photos that she posts so that you can see them all? If you don't feel that you can trust her not to upset you, then you have to stop asking her to babysit.

Your comment about her 'pretending he is her son' seems a little OTT to me - there is nothing to suggest that is her intention, and the fact that she considers your son special is something you should be pleased about, not suspicious.

Original poster

charcarter87 · 09/05/2014 20:20

I'm not saying you can't have strong opinions and I'm fully aware of where I posted Ffs I just think commenting "strongly" doesnt mean you need to be demeaning with how someone feels. I also did not know there was a fucking ettiquette to MUMSnet lol u jokers, so I can't have fluffy sugar coated support on here no, oh dear, u must love making people feel warm and fuzzy all day! Misery loves it right?

Thanks you for those giving constructive critism to a subject I feel upset by and to those who have shared similar situations. I concluded I may be over reacting but that doesnt change the fact that I still feel strongly enough about it that you haven't changed my mind and I will continue to be 'dramatic however long I feel to do so!

You can disagree that's fine but being sarcastic and rude...not helpful!!

OP posts:

ExBrightonBell · 09/05/2014 20:24

Oh come on, people can post what they like (within the guidelines of course) and you can ignore the bits you don't like.

So, my opinion is that you are being a little unreasonable about the "special people" comment. I would have taken it as a compliment to my ds and been pleased! It's great that he has lots of people who think he's fab.

Now if your SIL ignores your request to stop the constant photo taking & posting then you might need to reconsider whether she babysits for you.

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 09/05/2014 20:26

This message board is called "Am I Being Unreasonable?" You clearly understood this, as your thread title begins "To ... [do a possibly unreasonable thing]" Now you're being all prickly at posters who either respond to the QUESTION YOU ASKED, or point out your prickly attitude. If this is how you act with your SIL, I'm not surprised she says she's nervous of you!

I am very rarely rude to newcomers, so have a rare treat. You're being a complete pain in the arse.

Original poster

charcarter87 · 09/05/2014 20:27

Thanks you for those giving constructive critism to a subject I feel upset by and to those who have shared similar situations. I concluded I may be over reacting but that doesnt change the fact that I still feel strongly about it that you haven't changed my mind and I will continue to be 'dramatic however long I feel to do so!

OP posts:

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 09/05/2014 20:29

I'm not saying you can't have strong opinions

How kind.

Joules68 · 09/05/2014 20:31

Look you can't change it.... It's done

Being rude to other posters won't help either. All you can do is stop her being alone with him

EurotrashGirl · 09/05/2014 20:35

I think if it really bothers you that much, you might have to stop having her watch him. Since you already spoke to her about it, she isn't likely to stop. I agree with the other posters who are saying its unlikely she is pretending that he is her son.

PrincessBabyCat · 09/05/2014 20:36

You must have a very easy life if the biggest problem you have is not getting tagged in an instagram photo.

You either want your son on the internet or you don't. But putting stipulations over how exactly this is done is just going to make you look high strung.

You are happy enough to take advantage of free babysitting. She's followed your rules that you stipulated for facebook. I don't understand what the problem is. His pictures are already out there. It sounds like you're just looking for an excuse to get upset.

Also, coming from a new mom with a baby... I don't feel threatened when people take pictures of themselves with my child. I'm happy they like spending time with her.

Kernowal · 09/05/2014 20:36

If you don't want her to post any photos online you simply have to tell her and your brother. Anyone who actually knows her will obviously know that she doesn't have a child and will assume that the photos already posted are of family or a friend. Ask her to change her privacy settings so that photos can only be seen by friends.

It sounds as though you don't really like her, so don't take advantage of her by letting her babysit if it's going to cause bad feeling.

OTheHugeManatee · 09/05/2014 20:37

I think you and she both sound like loons. She for posting endless pictures of your baby like she's playing happy families, and you for being so stressy about it. So what if there are pictures of your child online?

UriGeller · 09/05/2014 20:39

Hi, I can see where you might have feelings of possessiveness, if this woman is posing with your baby. BUT, he's not hers. he's yours and you're his mum. There's really no need to feel threatened.

I can understand that you might feel a bit weird seeing photos of him on social media that you haven't had anything to do with. That IS weird, but by letting her look after him and spend time with him you are also giving her permission to document the occasions when they are together by taking photos.

The only way around it would be to be very strong and tell her exactly that you don't like seeing pictures of your son and her together or not let her babysit him at all.

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged · 09/05/2014 20:46

When it comes down to it, OP isn't complaining that the photos exist. Her complaint is that she isn't tagged on every copy. The SIL's cross-posting from instagram to FB, and tagging her in the FB copies as requested. She's seen all the pictures, the baby is clearly tagged as HERS on one album but not the other.

Sounds like you should stamp a limited copyright notice on DS That'll save everyone a lot of trouble!

Koothrapanties · 09/05/2014 20:50

You asked for opinions, my opinion is that it doesn't need to be such a drama!

LynetteScavo · 09/05/2014 20:57

My opinion is that YABU.

Can't you just ask people not to post photos of your DS online? That would be much easier, surely than giving conditions to the post.

Anyway, copyrighting your DSs face sound the perfect idea.

sothathatswhenI · 09/05/2014 21:09

I think Uri's hit the nail on the head with his analysis and advice.

OP obviously relies on SIL for childcare but feels threatened by the relationship SIL is developing with her DS and because there's a stream of cute pics of SIL/DS feels its being rubbed in her face. I'm pretty sure no-one thinks the baby is SILs or is reading too much into it at all.

I agree OP is being sensitive but her little one is only 6 months old and hormones/guilt will be at play here too maybe?

My brother/SIL have a single rule - no posting of their kids on any media site and we all respect that.

Koothrapanties · 09/05/2014 21:31

Sothat I have the same rule, it's much more simple that way.

WooWooOwl · 09/05/2014 21:38

If you were upset because you're sons picture was put on social media without your permission, I'd agree that you had a very valid reason to be pissed off.

As it seems you are only pissed off because someone didn't follow your demand to be tagged then I think you are coming across as odd.

Original poster

charcarter87 · 09/05/2014 21:51

At least some of you see that hormones could be a factor rather than just want to have an axe at the ready!

Garlic I hope there's a time you feel this way, then maybe you could see it from someone else's point of view rather being so hilarious!! Troll hunt in someone else's post!

Urigeller, your post was the best and I do feel I have been feeling unreasonably threatened as I haven't actually said anything to her, thought I'd get some opinions before making a mistake, thank you to the people who were nice and those people who were horrible about it should take no credit in me seeing a little clearer!

Goodnight, enjoy the post trolls seems like a good one for you.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 09/05/2014 22:00

OP if you feel as though someone posting photos of your baby is out of your control, just imagine how your baby might feel when they are grown/growing up?

I'm glad I'm old enough for my parents/aunts/uncles to have never put photos of me as a child on the world wide web.

It's not nice when you have no control is it?

Tinkerball · 09/05/2014 22:13

You do sound like a drama queen really, it's also a big leap from her having a picture with your DS to you claiming she thinks he's hers!

Koothrapanties · 10/05/2014 07:43

Oh dear op. If you are like this with your brothers fiance, no wonder she finds you difficult to deal with. Can you really not see that your attitude is a little... Abrasive maybe?

Only1scoop · 10/05/2014 07:51

Blimey.... if it bothers you don't allow people to post pictures of your baby on social media sites.

He will probably thank you for it one day.

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