To not want to sit with my Grandfather

[LittleBellaMummy]

We have been told by the doctor today that my grandad is in the final days/hours of his life after being very ill for quite a while. All of my family have decided to take it in turns to sit with him until the time comes. I know it sounds awful and I feel like a coward but I am absolutely dreading it, to the point that I want to say no (which I'm not going to). We did the same thing for my nan but it was completely different as she had dementia and didn't really know who we were let alone what was happening.
Even though he keeps saying he is ready and wants this to be over I am so scared for him and I am just so upset. I feel iabu to be thinking about my own feelings so much when it should be all about him.

It sounds as though your family have decided this for you which i think is unreasonable. Those that want to watch someone die can choose to take it in turns but making everyone in the extended family do it is unreasonable.
I think people sitting round a bed waiting for someone to die is a bit goulish. At the end dying people are usually comatose anyway.

You don't have to. You are a grown up and are perfectly able of making that call. Doesn't mean you love him any the less. I adored my grandad and never sat with him while he passed and he would never have wanted that. He was in pain and confused and hated people seeing him in such a way. We visited regularly and saw him the night before he passed and I know he would have been fine with that

I think people sitting round a bed waiting for someone to die is a bit goulish

I prefer to think of people sitting round a bed comforting the person and making sure they are not alone.

You're entitled to your feelings.

However, I think it's a beautiful thing to make sure someone doesn't die alone and possibly something worth trying to overcome your (understandable) upset for?

I'd like to think my family would do this for me.

Dying people are usually comatose anyway. In my experience, the person knows you are there (and who is there) right up until the end, or at least, very close to the end. Both of my parents and my grandmother were all "comatose" for the last hour or two of their lives but still able to show that they knew we were there - squeezing a hand in response to a question, shedding a tear as the chaplain said their bit etc. etc.

Whether you want to be there or not is totally up to you. You also know your grandfather & whether he would be scared of the situation and want the comfort of his loved ones there or not. Not everyone does as Sharon says. Personally, I would take a turn because I know I would regret not doing so in the future. Every situation is different though so you need to do what is right for you.

My nan woke, saw the family was there then smiled and said she was ready to go. We were able to say we understood so she didn't feel guilty about wanting to die.

Her last minutes were therefore peaceful for her with no fear and knowing how much we loved her.

I understand being with a dying person isn't for everyone, but don't kid yourself that it makes no difference if the person is alone or with a loved one.

I sympathise with you; I sat with my father when he died, but my sister was with me. Could you sit with someone else and do a double shift? then you would have someone to talk to and keep you going. I hope the end is as peaceful as it was for my Dad.

I sympathise with you; I sat with my father when he died, but my sister was with me. Could you sit with someone else and do a double shift? then you would have someone to talk to and keep you going. I hope the end is as peaceful as it was for my Dad.

Sorry for posting twice.

Was just about to post what indigo posted. Sit with someone else. It will be easier for all three of you.

Doing a double shift with another family member is a good idea

I don't think sitting is ghoulish, it was certainly a comfort for my family (mulitple losses, sadly) to know that each dying person was settled in the bosum of their family, no one was there on their own though, we were always at least two and often more

LittleBella is sounds as though your family have assumed you are happy to be rota-ed in, sometimes we plough on with organising without asking

You do what is right for you, and I am hoping for a peaceful passing x

We sat day & night with my dad and Im glad we did. We sure as hell werent ghoulishly waiting for him to die We were there because we wanted to be with him as a family.

By the same token when my cousin was in the same position she said a goodbye, went home & awaited a call from her sister to say hed gone.

neither way is the right way or wrong way. You have to do what you want, what youre comfortable with. If you dont want to then be firm & tell your family. Its a stressful enough time for you

Your feelings are your feelings but yeah, this is really about what your grandfather wants. Does he want to die alone? If not, I think you should help to ensure that doesn't happen.

Thank you everyone it has really helped to hear others experiences and advice. Me and my brother have decided to sit with him together and my family did not think iwbu at all when I told them how I felt.

I think it is very important for people to feel as loved and cared for at the end of their life as they did through out. The Florence nightingale nurses have been great, he has been getting regular pain relief and they have explained to us all what will happen and what to do when it does. Thank you all for your kind advice!

Glad you have come to a solution which you are all comfy with.

The waiting bit is horrible and I wouldn't want to do it alone

Thinking of you and your family. Glad you have a solution that you are comfortable with x

A good solution

Take care, and do not hesitate to reach out for support here again, there is always someone to hold hands through the ether.