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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if anyone else has this problem in their relationship

30 replies

didyoureallysaythat · 09/05/2014 16:17

DH and I have been together 15 years, married 10. With DCs. Agree on almost everything except one thing -
Scottish Independence.
I won't say who's on what side, because I really, really don't want this to turn into a referendum argument. What I will say is that we both feel incredibly passionate about what we are going to vote. To the point that I can't fathom how he can think what he's voting could possibly be right for our future, and the future of our family, and Scotland, and he feels the same about me. I actually feel quite angry with him for voting the way he plans to, and he feels angry with me. It is no joke to say it's coming between us - that may sound daft, and I've tried really hard to be open minded and see where he's coming from, and I can't.
I guess part of the reason for our issue is that his whole family are fanatical about the side he's on, and I can't really stand any of them, so it sort of feels like he's taking their side, which is stupid I know. But seriously, if the vote goes his way in September I actually don't feel I can be around him, he'll be so jubilant and happy and I'll feel so upset - and vice versa. He has said he'll feel very depressed if the vote doesn't go in his side's favour. I know this might seem like we're both over invested in the issue, but we both see it as something that will affect our futures and families.
Does anyone else have this issue with their partner re politics or core beliefs?
Please no flamings or name calling - I'm just keen to hear other views, and advice!

OP posts:
glasgowstevenagain · 09/05/2014 16:22

We both live outwith scotland and dont get a vote - luckily we both have the same view and would have voted the same way - though we have seen some fairly contentious family arguments!

As this is a decision most people are making based upon emotion, there is no reasoning with the other side

chirpchirp · 09/05/2014 16:22

Were you poles apart politically before this indepence issue came up or was it just something you had never talked about before?

Both myself and DH will vote the same way come September but I would find it very difficult if he was vocally in the opposite camp from me. I am trying very hard not to let it affect a couple of friendship to the point I have had to hide people on Facebook as their constant soap boxing was doing my head in.

Aspiringhuman · 09/05/2014 16:24

My DH went ballistic when I gave my views and reason behind them. Called me a "fucking spas" (his words not mine. Not looking forward to the results. I don't necessarily expect him to agree with me, him voting differently to me doesn't actually bother me, his reaction to my views does though.

Lilaclily · 09/05/2014 16:25

The only thing you can do is ban any talk about the subject
& look forward to when it's all over

My parents are different religions

They respect each others religion & dont debate about it

Lilaclily · 09/05/2014 16:27

aspiringhuman

He sounds hideous :(

LaurieFairyCake · 09/05/2014 16:28

I think you're going to have to agree to not discuss it and to agree to make an attempt to support the one who 'loses'

Dh and I agree on this but if we didn't I still think I'd care more about him than the vote. I'm surprised how little I care about it given that I'm Scottish.

Original poster
didyoureallysaythat · 09/05/2014 16:30

yeah we do try not to talk about it now, which is hard as it feels like a taboo subject, and we never had taboo subjects till now.
Yeah I have some friends on FB that I've hidden. Some people are so incredibly aggressive about their viewpoint in such a vocal way, it has made me think less of a few friends and I've had to seriously restrain myself from posting when people voting my way are dismissed in such a nasty, condescending way.
If we were both voting in the general election we would, and have voted the same. We are both fairly left wing.

OP posts:
squoosh · 09/05/2014 16:32

I can easily see why this could be hugely divisive for a couple. You clearly have passionately held, if opposing views and it's quite a unique situation for a person to be in, voting on such a huge issue. I suppose it's like supporting rival football but multiply that feeling x 100!

What can you do except maybe not discuss the subject from now till September.

PoundingTheStreets · 09/05/2014 16:33

Is this the only thing you have very differing views on really?

I once dumped someone because of their views in immigration, but looking back on it we had very different views about lots of things, I had just chosen to concentrate on all the similarities instead. I know myself well enough to know that I could not have a relationship with someone who had such a polar opposite view to something I cared passionately about.

If it is really just this one thing, however, I think Scottish Indendence is a red herring and this: I guess part of the reason for our issue is that his whole family are fanatical about the side he's on, and I can't really stand any of them, so it sort of feels like he's taking their side is the real crux of the issue. And no, I don't think it's stupid, far from it. I think it's something that's actually very important. The good news is that you're more likely to find a solution to that than you are to change someone's political views.

PrincessBabyCat · 09/05/2014 16:43

You might just have to agree to disagree.

Me and my family are in opposite camps for certain political issues that we feel strongly about. We just agree to disagree. Every time we discuss it, we end up getting upset with each other.

Igggi · 09/05/2014 16:46

This is an interesting one as harder to have predicted that you'd have polar views (and the chance to vote for them) whereas fairly easy to make sure you don't hook up with someone right-wing if you're left-wing, or vice versa.

Pumpkinpositive · 09/05/2014 16:47

My DH went ballistic when I gave my views and reason behind them. Called me a "fucking spas" (his words not mine.

How utterly lovely. When's the divorce?

Pumpkinpositive · 09/05/2014 16:51

OP, I'm assuming your DP is a Yes voter, tee hee. I don't know anyone in the Better Together camp sufficiently wound up about the subject to experience 'jubilation' at the result.

Most people I know across the age ranges and socio-economic spectrum couldn't give a Buckfast XXXX. Grin

grovel · 09/05/2014 16:53

This will also potentially be a massive issue when/if we have an EU referendum.

Unless you tell us which way you intend to vote I can't comment on your reasonableness but I do know that one of you is being massively unreasonable.

Original poster
didyoureallysaythat · 09/05/2014 16:56

It really is the only thing I'm aware of that we have differing views on. The only important thing, anyway. Part of me feels he is so conditioned by his parents that he's only voting the way he is for that reason, and hasn't really questioned it - when asked how he thinks life will be better for us if the vote goes his way, he's very vague, and doesn't know a lot of the facts - just that he must vote that way. Which is infuriating.
His family will be fucking unbearable if their side wins. For months afterwards, possibly forever. Aargh, I might have to emigrate.

OP posts:
Original poster
didyoureallysaythat · 09/05/2014 16:57

I don't want to say grovel as it then might turn into a referendum debate/aibu, which I didn't want.
I see what you mean about the EU referendum though for us won't be an issue I don't think.

OP posts:
Yama · 09/05/2014 16:59

Dh and I will cancel out each other's vote.

We might point out an interesting article to the other but our discussions have been fairly tame. Anyway, I think he wants to vote my way so I have four months to gently sway him. Grin

No advice op. It is massively important so please don't think that your feelings don't matter.

Pumpkinpositive · 09/05/2014 16:59

If you win, you win.

If he wins, there is a chance a good chance everything will go tits up and then you can hound him mercilessly.

Ain't love grand?? Wink

ithaka · 09/05/2014 17:00

Well, OP, my DH (of 20+ years) and I are going to vote on opposites sides, come September. And we are both sure we are right.

Like you, we have always tended to be on the same page politically, this is the first political things we have diametrically opposed views.

We don't argue about it, we respect each others views, which are sincerely held. It helps that my DH is an easygoing sort & not one to argue with anyone. I also can't be bothered with falling out with people over this.

If it does not go the way I think it should in September, I will be worried. DH will not be jubilant, though - he understands my views and will be sympathetic to my worries. If your DH gloats, then remind him that no one likes a gloater.

squoosh · 09/05/2014 17:05

Here's an article about a Tory journalist and Labour councillor who have been married for over 20 years. If anyone will have any tips they will!

MrsKoala · 09/05/2014 17:14

I have a very strong view on something which i always assumed DH agreed with. He said something a while back that made me go 'A?' and question him. It turns out his disagrees with me. I have had to make the subject completely taboo because i honestly believe that people who think it are wrong and a bit stupid. Honestly, i know i am being a twat about it, but the whole concept is so ludicrous to me i find it hard to be friends with anyone who disagrees, let alone be in love with them. i just want to scream. But have done the mental equivalent of putting my fingers in my ears and going lalala i'm not listening.

I think you may have to agree not to discuss it if possible OP.

I have no say in the Scottish election tho and can understand both sides. But i think one is right and one is most definitely wrong. I hope the 'right' decision is made for everyones sake in Sept.

sisterofmercy · 09/05/2014 17:14

If you'd always agreed on everything before this may be the first time you saw how each of you dealt with being disagreed with. On top of which, you clearly have some concerns about whether he can stand up to his family or not. He may well share their views but you seem worried that he is almost merging with them and if you don't like them you wonder what that says about him.

If his views are sincerely held and well argued then you need to find a way to agree to disagree. You will both need to be good winners or losers when the result is known or it might seem like unkindness and unkindness has no place in a relationship.

You both clearly care about Scotland's future. Maybe there is some common ground there?

grovel · 09/05/2014 17:26

Agree to divorce if a single vote determines the result. Otherwise avoid the subject.

rookiemater · 09/05/2014 17:27

We're like this OP - I'm planning to hide DH's ballot paper when it arrives Grin (joke of course !)

grovel · 09/05/2014 17:32

Is there any poll data about how men and women intend to vote? (ie are men more or less likely to vote YES than women?)