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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about telling a new bf about my mental health

13 replies

farnywarny1192 · 09/05/2014 13:48

How soon should I be telling someone that I am an ex drug addict and have mental health problems?

I am medicated and well, and off drugs....i have met somebody I really like and I dont know how long to wait to come clean about my past. its only fair to tell him because he can easily find out because its just that type of town.....

Its only been a couple of week so i know its too soon but the worry is really playing on my mind

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 09/05/2014 13:53

I honestly think you should tell him immediately.

Shakirasma · 09/05/2014 14:02

He should be told ASAP. When any of us are making decisions about relationships we deserve to know all the relevant facts.

manicinsomniac · 09/05/2014 14:05

I guess the longer you leave it the harder it will be though.

So you ever have to tell though?

Not wanting to reveal MH issues is one reasons why I have never been in a relationship. It's just too embarrassing and I don't think MH conditions are things it's appropriate to share about. But, when you have a partner, you are expected to share. So it gets tricky.

manicinsomniac · 09/05/2014 14:06

Do you not So you!

rinabean · 09/05/2014 14:11

There'd be no point telling him if it's not going anywhere, I'd wait a while and see. He doesn't have any right to know, certainly not when you've been together a few weeks.

Original poster

farnywarny1192 · 09/05/2014 14:18

rinabean thats what I was thinking......

OP posts:

PrincessBabyCat · 09/05/2014 14:24

I didn't tell my husband about any personal issues I had until we were going out for almost a year. There wasn't a point if we weren't getting serious.

Personally, I'd wait until you're ready to get serious. Once he's been with you a while he'll have an easier time accepting something like that because he'll know it won't change you because he already likes you while you've had those issues. As long as you're taking care of yourself and not letting it take over, I think you're fine for now. :)

Or you could just mention it casually like it's no big deal in passing conversation. It's really up to you and what you feel comfortable with.

Shinyfly · 09/05/2014 15:17

My experience was this. New bf didn't tell me about his mental health issues so when he had an 'incident' I had no idea what was going on and therefore handled it really badly. It almost broke us up. Now I know, I can deal with it and 8 months later we're very happy and looking to move in together.

Please tell him ASAP. If he's the right one for you, he'll understand and want to support you. If he's not, now's the time to find out.

lurkerspeaks · 09/05/2014 15:40

One of my close male friends has a new partner. She and I have mutual friends and I know that she has had several very serious episodes of mental illness.

She has not told him about this yet (they have been together for more than 6 months now, are looking pretty serious as a couple and are travelling abroad on holiday twice over the summer).

Her not confiding in him is bothering me a lot now as it makes me worry that she doesn't have insight into her condition, that he should have a choice about making a commitment to someone who has her condition (I have several other friends with the same condition and I know that it poses extra strain on their relationships) and I'm now in a bloody difficult position as I know about it and he doesn't but I don't feel it is my place at all to tell him.

However at 6 weeks in it didn't seem a problem at all.

HeartHotWaterBottle · 09/05/2014 16:06

What do you mean by 'very serious', lurkerspeaks?

smartypants1000 · 09/05/2014 18:21

Going against the grain, I'd let him get to know you and get to know him a bit better first - none of us have to disclose our entire medical history on a first date, and it might be inappropriate if we did! It's one of many things about you that he'll learn as he gets to know you better.

It's not a dirty secret though, if you're going to worry then perhaps do just drop it into conversation - "I had a hard time a few years ago" / "I wasn't well" and see if he asks any questions?

manicinsomniac, why don't you think mental health issues are appropriate to share about? That's a bit offensive really! Why treat it differently than any other illness?

maggiethemagpie · 09/05/2014 23:04

I've never fully revealed the skeletons in my closet to my partner of four years. I had had mh and substance issues, kind of disclosed them subtly in my own way over time, waited for the trust to build kind of thing. I've never told him my actual diagnosis.

I'm currently in therapy and he knows it, I sometimes reveal tiny snippets of where I'm up to with it but never the full story. There are still significant things about the past that he doesn't know and will never know. they aren't relevant today, they happened a long time ago, why should I tell him?

So my advice to you is, play it cool, maybe drip feed some things in a subtle way once the trust has built and gauge his reaction. It's not a crime to have mh issues - don't feel ashamed.

Gubbins · 09/05/2014 23:26

Lurker, are you sure your friend doesn't know about his partner's mental health issues? If she has told him I hope he'd have the sensitivity not to discuss it with his friends.

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