To think it unfair of my Mother to only confide in me?

[MrsWinnibago]

She's 67 and works part time...owns her house outright and lives alone. She's got a history of taking out lots of credit although when my Dad died, he left her quite well off...now she lives from paycheck to paycheck and pension day to pension day and seems to often be short of money.

She only confides in me and asks me not to tell my siblings about her money issues. I just now told her it's not fair on me to bear the weight of it...my DH and I are on a tiny income and have a family so can't help her out at all....I feel terrible!

I hate to think of her struggling for money...and feel bad that I can't just give her some. :(

I know it's brought about by her own actions but still...it's my lovely Mum and I feel sad.

I can't even lend her any. I asked her why she only tells me and she said it's because I'm less judgemental...this came about because she was refused a loan today and wanted me to go online for her Experian report...what can I do to help her? I think she's vry short of money for the weekend and wont get paid till Tuesday....

Are you a fixer or a listener? Do you always feel compelled to help people find solutions to their problems? Sometimes they just want a sympathetic ear and don't expect you to solve their problems at all. Maybe your mother is one of these?

You can learn how to listen without accepting responsibility. Or you can tell your mother that you can't deal with this and she needs to find someone else to talk to.

Good luck with finding a way through.

What an you do to help her?? Nothing! She is a grown woman and if she can't manage her budget now then quite honestly it's down to her and no one else.

Just be a sounding board for her but make sure that is all.....you have your own family to look after now plus if you do lend her money she will never stop wasting it.

I've just advised her to call National Debt Line. I used them once years ago when I had trouble and they were great. She is on PayPlan it seems...so that's probably why she's not getting credit.

I've told her to join the Credit Union and start putting something in the account weekly so that she has a buffer when things go wrong or she needs a larger item. I know her income isn't big but it should be enough with her pension (my Dad's) and also her wages...her overheads are small!

I feel cross now. I've told her that if I can I will drop some money to her tomorrow but I can't really afford it but equally don't want to think of her not having enough of the basics.

Bailing her out only helps her to stay as she is. It is not your responsibility to fix this. That feeling is coming from you but it is not the reality. She is a grown woman and responsible for her own choices.

Instead of giving cash, why not tell her to seek financial advice? Perhaps sell her home and buy something smaller and live off the rest? Or if she is eligible for any form of supported living or is likely to be in the future, maybe that would be an option. Or get a lodger if that is something she would feel comfortable doing (I appreciate she may not)

She needs to live within her means and giving her money isn't helping her. Well, it is, it is helping her to feel that she doesn't have to be financially responsible because you will bail her out. But is that the right thing?

Don't bail her out, you're only enabling her. Take it from experience. We've tried helping out FIL with his finances and it didn't do anything. We stopped and he cried about being thrown on the streets. But he magically figured out a solution and to this day is in fact, not homeless.

Your mom needs to learn better budgeting. She could have a million pounds and still end up in the same situation because she doesn't know good management.

Op, if your mother desperately needs food then by all means buys her £20 worth of shopping this once but do not give her money. You won't see it again and all this is doing is enabling her to hide from her problem for a few more days.

I had issues with my older sister which are very similar to those you have with your mother. She had thousands from me and I never saw a penny of it even after she inherited a significant amount of money. We are now NC because of this.

I remember discussing this with my counsellor as my sister used to burden me all the time (no one else) with her tales of woe. My counsellor told me to never offer advice as it was always ignored and instead, if I wanted to, just listen and make the odd "hmmm" and "ahhh I see" comments. When it comes to issues with money you just can't help some people.

If you think she's so short there's nothing in to eat, then drop her a bag of groceries.

But other than that, I don't think you should be giving her anything except advice. If she won't take it, then that's her choice. She won't learn to change her spending habits if there are no bad consequences, which at the moment you are sheltering her from.

Chances are, your other siblings have told her she needs to sort herself out. You need to say the same thing. She's an adult, with an income which ought to be enough if she was sensible with it. It's not up to you to giver her money out of your own limited income to make up for the fact that she is making silly decisions.

If that was my mum I buy her a week worth of shopping.

I would also be tempted to tell me siblings, its unfair you are getting the burden put on you. Surely you and your siblings can get together and help your mother out?

I would take her round bread, milk, cheese, cereal, soup etc. Enough basics to tide her over till Tuesday. Then say you will help her come up with a budget if she wants. Other than that i wouldn't give her any money.

As for being burdened with all of this information. There is a way of dealing with it that i studied when counselling that may help. It's called TRACTICS. It helps you to ascertain how to help a person. You have to decide when they tell you something what the best response is. It's an acronym which stands for:

Take Action
Refer
Advise
Change Systems
Train/Teach
Inform
Counsel
Support

Briefly:

Take action - on their behalf, temporarily fixes the problem but takes the control away from them - often not a long term solution.

Refer - point them towards an expert who will take over the issue

Advise - Give different options for the person to then decide what to do. Gives them control and ideas, but often they don't do any and it continues or the options aren't what they want.

Change systems - work out with them a whole new way of dealing with it, so setting up budgets, direct debits, change way of thinking entirely. Takes time but can be a long term solution if they are fully on board.

Teach/Train - make sure they have the skills to deal with this. The onus is on you to teach them rather than self help, so can make them more dependant and turn to you for constant tops ups or when they 'forget'. However, depending on the person can give them the tools to be more independent.

Inform - Tell them straight how to solve it or give them direct information. This can be confusing if they don't understand entirely but can be quick and let the person take action immediately.

Counsel - let them talk it out and ask leading questions which lets them come to their own solutions. Empowering, but time consuming and needs an element of personal insight.

Support - Encourage them and let them know you are there. May not offer any practical help, but they can feel secure emotionally that someone cares and may eventually encourage self reliance. But may not. So be careful not to allow the information to burden you and be able to emotionally switch off.

Amuminscotland
Makes a good point with -
Chances are, your other siblings have told her she needs to sort herself out
Could be why she doesn't want you to tell them and she see's you as the soft one.
Yes you could buy a little shopping to see her through, if that's possible, but not give her money.
Personally I'd be having a quiet word with my siblings and try to find out what they do know.