To think I should have handled this better or it just shouldn't have happened in the first place?

[lecce]

Ds1 (7) has been prone to massive tantrums since he was 4. Sometimes I think he's growing out of it, but then he'll have another massive one. He has never been in the slightest bit of trouble at school, in fact, sometimes I feel he is too good there, and I have often wondered if he lets off steam at home after the pressure of being perfect all day (though the tantrums started the summer before he started school).

The thing that irritates me is that they seem to be over the most minor things. On Tuesday, he remembered on his way up to bed that he had some Easter chocolate left. I suggested having it for pudding the next evening. Fine. So yesterday, I got home from work after the dc had eaten. I did ds's reading with him and sent him off to play so I could read with ds2. Suddenly, I hear the most anguished scream erupting from the kitchen, followed by whining/chuntering/sobbing. Ds1 bursts through the door, red in the face with snot and tears pouring down his face, shrieking that he's forgotten to eat his chocolate. I asked him calmly to go out of the room and calm down, but he stood right next to us shrieking and wailing.

Anyway, there are so many things I could have said and done, but what I did was shout and march him from the room. It just made me so angry that he would interrupt our reading, and be so ridiculously upset, over something so trivial. After 10 minutes or so of him wailing in the hall, dh came in from dog-walking and suggested he write a note to remind himself to eat it today. Within 5 minutes he had calmed down, wanted to sit on my lap and enjoyed the rest of the evening.

Like all his tantrums, it didn't last that long, and was fairly easily resolved, but it is the intensity and the triviality of the cause that I find so hard to deal with. I am torn between being angry with myself for not staying calmer (I manage better sometimes, but weekday early evening is never a good time for me!) and thinking that this kind of thing really shouldn't be happening at his age. They are a frequent occurrence - several times a week.

AIBU - sort of, do I need help, or does he?

Why couldn't he eat it once he'd realised he'd forgotten?

Like all his tantrums, it didn't last that long, and was fairly easily resolved, but it is the intensity and the triviality of the cause that I find so hard to deal with.

It obviously isn't trivial to him though, so there is some process there that is triggering this behaviour. Children can behave quite differently at home to school because they are completely different environments.

I think you could talk this over with him when he is calm and plan some coping strategies. Explain to him that things do often go wrong in life and that is normal and to be expected. He will feel disappointed, frustrated, angry and sad. These are all normal emotions and everyone has them. They are just as important as feeling happy but they are harder to handle.

Then practice strategies such as going to a 'calm down place', controlled breathing (blowing up balloons or blowing bubbles is good for this), running around outside, kicking a ball or having a pillow to hit, etc. If he is screaming say 'I can't understand what you are saying when you scream'.

You can help by naming his emotions for him, say to him 'you are frustrated, go to your calm down place' and repeat it until it becomes an automatic response for him.

If he can get them under control, give him lots of praise.

Good question. Probably, had he come in and asked that in a calm way, I would have let him. It never occurred to me, because as soon as he started shrieking, I suppose I saw red. .

Thank you Faireuff I honestly have tried/am trying all those strategies, but probably not consistently. The thing is, it is incredibly irritating, but I do know it's best if I can stay calm, so I clearly need to try harder.

I suppose I do feel, though, that by now, some of it should be paying off and he shouldn't be so prone to him. When I try discussing it with him when he is calm, he starts sort of low-level whining to justify himself, which is also annoying.

I think that's your area for change, tbh. You saw it from your point of view (another tantrum over something trivial diverting your attention from a worthy cause -reading with ds2). From his point of view, you made a deal and he forgot to eat his lovely chocolate.

To him it was a disaster and you could have appreciated that, got it for him, then continued reading practice in peace.

If these tantrums just started when he was 4, I'd start looking into what was going on that year that started triggering these tantrums. Kids don't usually start acting out like this for no reason unless something is going on. Sometimes if a kid starts randomly acting out like that with no previous history of acting like that it could be a sign of abuse or trauma.

Im afraid DD2 just got sent to her room and told to return when she wanted to be nice.

No point worrying about it, it was just her reaction to being incredibly angelic at school.

When she got home, the silliest things being wrong made her moan, whinge, point score off her sister and get in a rage.

She grew out of it.

The whining could be habit. Do it to him so that he can hear what it's like.

I explained to my dcs that whining was when they make words reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaalllllllllly lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng

After that, I just said 'Use a normal voice please' when they started to whine.

Did I write this? Sheesh ... please say I'm not going to be still putting him on time-out in 3 years time. I don't think I could handle it.

You wrote word for word my DS (4). The Mahoosive tantrums over "trivial" things. Ours last longer though... is dam hard to keep cool when they keep going on and on and on ...

Being very good at school + tantrum about forgetting. Long shot, but is he anxious?

I'm an adult and obviously I don't have tantrums but my anxiety makes me super efficient at work and panic over forgetting anything at home. As a child I ewould sob over forgetting things or doing them late, really sob.

DD2 feels much more secure if she feels in control (DH does to) which I think is a variation on squizita's need not to forget things. DH writes lists and over plans everything.

While adults can control their work environment to some extent DCs have to do as they are told and deal with the stresses their peers cause.

That this results in tantrums once they reach the safty of home is understandable if annoying.

Is he a highly sensitive child?
Often what is trivial to others is immense to a HS child.

i would love to be able to handle my son always in a calm and controlled manner but its not always possible my son never takes no for an answer (can i play with your knives mommy? NO whyyyyyyy its not fair!!! then there is the meltdown i make him exactly what he wants for tea and he freaks out throws the food around snot and screams galore nan and grandad usually turn up and say its my fault for feeding him food he doesn't like the fact he has eaten it for years chosen it and helped make it doesn't resonate with them they think im a bad parent one day i will point out i live with the product of her raising and trust me my kids are better

we handle it badly too he got sent to his room last night where he screamed and railed for an hour then he was brought back down to eat his food and he slung it everywhere he went to bed early

no one is perfect everyday

It reminds me of dh. He will not tell me if there are impending redundancies at work, that my dm rang earlier to say she'd been in a car crash but he gets extremely upset about trivial things e.g. dropping a fried egg on the floor. Could it be about failing at something he did have control over? I've never understood it with dh. Sort of takes in his stride huge disasters but gets really angry with himself over trivial things that just don't matter.

Rowna how odd... Dropped food or badly cooked eggs really upset me. They make me cry. Thought I was the only one! nuts!

Yet I can wrestle apart 2 huge fighting teens or reduce a hall of 250 to silence with a cold hard stare.

Read this book

www.amazon.co.uk/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically-ebook/dp/B00GLS4XT4/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1399584584&sr=1-1&keywords=the+explosive+child

and see if it rings any bells. It helped me stay cool, and, as a result DS2 (5) has now pretty much stopped losing it on a daily basis

Honestly the reaction he has makes dc and I rush into the kitchen thinking he's chopped his hand off or something. It's very odd. He gets more angry about things where he's done something slightly wrong than actual disasters.

I could have written this post!!!

Mine is the same (same age too). I reason to myself that he feels safe to let out all his emotion when with me and can control it when with peers etc, but it's bloody hard wirk

I tell myself I'm not going to shout, but then I end up doing so snd feel angry and upset with myself.

I know that by going upstairs or to a quiet place, it will help him, but he refuses and there's no physical way I could make him

I don't mean to hijack your post, just wanted to let you know you're not alone.........its so frustrating!

So nice to know I'm not alone, feathermucker, both in terms of the nature of the dc and my inability to stay cool sometimes!

Lots of great advice here, and the stuff about control and anxiety really resonates. I think dh is good at handling him because he has had years of practise dealing with me . Not that I tantrum, but I di get very wound up about stuff.

I really need to see things from his perspective more. Some Amazon shopping is probably in order...

Same happens here, and quite a few friends have said'its better out than in', which I think is true. Sometimes the frustration and disappointment/ anxiety just needs to be expressed. Better than storing it up and being quietly anxious and it building.
The outbursts are not directed at anyone( even if the child uses words that blame you or their sibling).
I'm not so good at keeping calm when it happens (especially when i'm being blamed), but sometimes Dh manages to get the child to get the anger out by punching a pillow that he's holding, or something. Physically getting it out seems to help in the end.

Isn't there some kind of massive testosterone surge around four too? So boys that age can be really prone to fits of rage because of hormones?

I know that when i was worried about my children without feeling a sense of understanding what was going on and being able to help, i lost my temper more. It is not just that whatever behaviour it is is annoying, it is the worry about it that makes my reaction stronger.

dS1was a very tantrummy child, from toddlerhood to around 7 years old. They were the sort of steam cooker meltdowns you describe. I read The Highly Sensitive Child, and whilst I don't fully accept that categorisation, it did help me to accept him and have strategies to stay calm myself.

I also agree that school is hard for some children. Though they cope, it takes a lot of emotional energy.

Another thought: DS2 is like The Hulk if he is hungry.

I have a ds like this. Sweet and lovely in school. An emotional monster at home, who panics and falls apart if he thinks he is losing control of a situation. Hunger, tiredness, and a pending poo all make it worse. I'm putting that amazon book in my wish list!