To think it's bad timing to change contact arrangement

[purplebearbiscuit]

I've posted this in lone parents too but thought I may get a more balanced view here..

My ex and I have been separated since DD was a year old and she is now 8. He has always played an active role and has had her 2/3rds of the time at his house. We both remarried in the last year or so, and he and his new wife are moving to a new house. It's been quite a protracted move due to new mortgage guidelines and various deals falling through. DD has been aware of the stress around the move. she drew a picture last week of daddy with steam coming out of his head because of the house move! I am starting a new job in June which will mean I am full time, ex has a new job too that started last week with a longer commute, and DD will now have new childcare arrangements from June. She will be spending no after schools with either of us where as she has been used to being with one of us all but one day a week after school.

My ex and I have decided that DD would be best off with a 50/50 arrangement (various reasons, I can go in to detail but not really relevant) and said we would move to this as she moves in to year four in September. My reasoning for the timing was that there isn’t much point starting the new arrangement, then having the long summer holiday, it might be better to start as we mean to go on in September.

Also, I know how stressful a move can be for adults, let alone children, and what with that and the new childcare arrangements I feel too much change at once should be avoided.

Ex says that the move is a good thing that DD is happy with, and so he wants to start the 50/50 from June. He's pushing this quite heavily. Aside from anything, I’m not sure he has childcare in place but he hasn’t answered my questions about that. I think if I were to agree to it I would want DD to know exactly what the arrangements are going to be. When he changed his job he didn't organise childcare until the day before she needed it and I had to do all of the arrangements etc. in a panic. He's a great dad but isn't very organised and flies by the seat of his pants where things like childcare are concerned.

It’s a tough one because neither one of us has more of a say – we agree things together, but I feel strongly I’m right. Help me decide what’s best?

He probably won't have childcare in place for the new arrangement if you haven't agreed to it yet, so I can't see why that's a problem.

Surely you make the agreement then put the plans in place for childcare for the times you are each responsible, then you tell dd?

I'm a little confused tbh, you might have to explain more about why you're against it starting sooner rather than later.

Yes, sorry I didn't word that right about the childcare. It's not that I would expect him to have childcare in place, more that he would have an idea of what childcare he would use. There are two childminders at her school and one of them definitely doesn’t work one of the days he would need. The other is £20 per after school session and I’m not sure if she has a space anyway so he would need to find out. What I mean is when he changed his job he literally called me the previous day (having had 6 weeks notice) and said “err, I start my new job tomorrow and I’ve got no childcare.. .any ideas?” – which is why I’m reluctant to agree to the June thing until he’s made some attempt at working out what childcare she’ll be in. The arrangement she has on those days now is a favour my friend does and my friend wont afford the same favour to my ex unfortunately.

My only reason I'm against it is that I think it’s a lot for her to move house, move to full time childcare, and have her contact arrangement change – all in the space of a week... then after just a month or so, have everything change again because of summer hols (which we split down the middle).

I may be over thinking it.. would just like opinions.

I think if he's pushing heavily to the new arrangement starting in June, then you just need to have a discussion about the childcare with him and go from there.he should be open to talking about if if it's going to get him what he wants.

I don't see why the contact arrangements changing should be a problem to your dd, especially if it means she gets to have ore time at your home away from all the moving chaos.

Whether the childcare changing will be a big deal depends on the childcare that's being used. If it's going to a new childminders house then it's likely to have more of an impact than if she just goes to an after school club where she's familiar with things.

I'd take the house move out of it. Not everyone finds it stressful and not all children find it unsettling. Some find it exciting (I did).
He's her parent and the one that will have to deal with moving house and looking after a child so let him get on with that if it's what he wants.

With regard to child care, stop trying to manage him. Just say ok we'll go to 50/50 but I'm not going to step in and organise child care if you leave it to the last minute like last time.
I expect you to let DD know at least a week in advance so she is aware of the plans but that's the last time I'm going to mention it.

It'll be all on him to deal with it all goes wrong and yes there is a chance DD might get pushed from pillar to post but she won't actually suffer for it or come to any harm

So just to confirm. He currently has your dd 2/3 of the time but will move to less contact-50/50 split. So won't you need more Childcare, not him?
I am confused!

I'm sorry what a knob! He has 1/3 currently. Moving to 50/50

At 8, the important thing is that yr dd knows what the plan is and is happy with it.
You've got loads of change going on at once, so could you and yr ex (and yr spouses?) sit down with diaries and plan DD'd diary/ childcare plan etc for the next few months over the period of the move, changes to new jobs, summer holidays, start of term etc, and then be clear what the 'new normal' is? maybe plot it on 2 wall planners and share it with her. Can you be flexible to support each other's first week in new job/ house move etc? What are DD's preferences regarding childcare?

Thanks all. Yes we can all talk about it. Both of our new jobs are very, shall we say structured, so we need to know what is happening.

But I guess if we mapped it all put it would be okay. I've just. Asked him again if he's thought about child care and he did a kind of yawn thing with a "ah yes I'll let you know" that would indicate he has no idea.

I may well be over thinking it as losing time with dd due to new job, plus due to the new 50/50 arrangement is quite a lot for me, not to mention child care. And with that in mind, I want to do that right thing and not have my judgement clouded.

Although I still think it's a lot of changes for her... It would be less spot I knew proper childcare was in place.. Or rather, planned.

No after school clubs here unfortunately so it will be pillar to post, different things each night