To still find this upsetting?

[namechangeonathursday]

I've namechanged as I am a bit embarrassed.

As a child I had loads of friends and was quite popular at school. During the school holidays between years 7 and 8, so one year into secondary school, we moved house to a totally different area of the country, and of course I started a new school.

Moving so far away meant that I had a totally different accent to everybody else, and so on my first day this was picked up on by a couple of girls in my tutor group, who instantly decided that I was posh, totally unlikeable, and because they were alpha females, no one else in my tutor group wanted to be friends with me. For the whole of my first year at the school the whole class kept saying and doing unkind things to me. I did try to make friends, but gave up after a while and really went into myself. They would do things such as hide my bag and books, and be blatantly nasty to me, even in front of teachers. They had a couple of horrible nicknames for me that sting even now if I hear the words.

Anyway, the form tutor sided with the rest of the class, and decided that I must be some total bitch, so kept taking me aside for "pep talks" and saying that I was the most unpopular girl that she had ever known, and that I would be very isolated as an adult unless I made more effort to get on with people. I did try to tell her about how it was not me, it was them, but all she would say was that they were "a lovely class" and that I needed to "give them a chance". I also tried to talk to my parents, but they weren't supportive and didn't really care either.

In the following school year I did actually manage to make some friends, as lessons were mixed with other form groups, however some from my class still hassled me in lessons all the way through school. One boy from my class used to walk home the same way as me and used to keep taking my school bag off my shoulder and punching me on the way home.

I left school at 16, and went to college with very little confidence, and instantly started to make friends again. I felt like the old "me" from primary school was coming back. I am now in my thirties and I have good friends. However I find it really hard to let go of what happened to me at school, and I find that no matter what I do, or how good things are for me, I cannot forget it all. The form teacher's words in particular really seemed to cut deep. I hate it if ever I feel unpopular now, or that someone does not like me. Even though rationally I know it is not my fault.

Sorry this is long.

YANBU That sounds absolutely horrible. Many people have a memory of a bad moment or a bad era in their lives which continues to trouble them, even though in many ways they have moved on. I think things which happen in our early teens are particularly painful because it is such a vulnerable time, and one which we were old enough to remember clearly. I have some painful memories of my mother from when I was 12-14, which I will always have to live with.

I can really feel your pain in your post.

I don't suppose it helps to know that it was them not you and the teacher was ignorant and wrong?

Clearly in every other environment you are seen for the lovely individual that you undoubtedly are.

letting go of these things is hard to do, especially when your parents were also unsupportive, that must hurt. However, that was then and this is now...live your life looking forward and use what you learned to support those around you, at least then it will be used for good and you can give it a purpose.

Closure is not something you will ever get with those people as they would post rationalise what they did even if you did bump into them. Grant yourself permission to be sad and angry at what happened and appreciate where you are and who you are now.

best wishes
foolxx

Thank you so much Clara and Foolon for your replies! They are much appreciated.

I meant to say too in my first post that the others in my class always used to say that I was ugly. I know now that I'm not ugly and that they were being horrible, but it still stings. I remember when we had a class photo taken one of the boys came back the next day and said his mum said that I looked like a horse on the photo, and even the teacher laughed!

I had similar things happen and the teachers sided with the bullies. For me, it was physical and mental for many years. Has indeed affected me in adulthood. Am now in late 30s.

The person who should be haunted all these years later is the sadistic, unpleasant teacher who failed abysmally in her duty to one of her students. You did nothing wrong. You fell victim to a group of spiteful, pathetic teenagers who were not handled or managed properly by their form teacher. The ones with any level of intelligence are probably mortified any time they think of what they did. The ones who aren't are sadly too ignorant and dense to understand, even now, how very wrong they were.

You are the one who comes out of this looking like a good person.

I think it is always the horrid stuff that sticks with us. From a mental health point of view, you need to let it go, but THAT is easier said than done. I still feel the pain of being told I would amount to nothing as a 12 yr old.

It is hard if you aren't accepted, it's tough at any age. If you told the adults around you that you were unhappy but no-one cared your parents seriously dropped the ball there but of course the teacher was way off in suggesting the fault lay with you. An outsider or incomer shouldn't be left to struggle on her own like that.

Very good to know the "old you" came back.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. My family moved to a completely different area of the country when we (3 of us) were 13, 14 and 16. It was absolutely horrible for such similar reasons. Because we were seen as different we were picked on, my middle brother got the brunt of it. It was so tragic because he was a super confident, happy go lucky, talented, popular boy before we moved and he was made to feel like nothing at our new school.

My experience was less extreme, I did manage to make some friends but I was also singled out by the alpha girl and made fun of regularly. Do you know she actually came along to a school reunion I went to some years back and I told her that she was very unpleasant and aggressive to me at school.....apparently she "couldn't remember"!

I think my brother carries alot of anger and resentment with him from that time and when he had the opportunity to get away from the area we moved to he did so imediately. I think you would be very, very unusual if this didn't bother you at all. It is such an incredibly upsetting, isolating experience at such an impressionable time.

SummerBreezing is right though.....imagine you had behaved like those bullies....how horrible would it be to know you had inflicted that torment on someone, I don't believe for a moment that they don't remember. You are indeed the better person and foolonthehill is absolutely right, it's unlikely you will get closure but you can feel really proud of yourself that you got through it and it will help you to empathise with other people in a similar situation. I always think that when something awful happens, this is horrible but it does deepen you....that's not to say we should invite or welcome horrible things like this, I hope you know what I'm trying to say!

I went through a similar thing between the ages of 12 and 16 - but with girls from another school - We all went to the same Primary but I went on to a 'posher' school than they all did.
They would see me after school or on the way to school and torment me - name calling, pushing,... I used to try to avoid them and go different ways to school - so every day was stressful.
I have never got over it and at the time told no one because I was so ashamed. My mother would have got annoyed with me for 'being soft'

One of the girls became friendly with me again when I was 18 - but she never talked about that time and I never asked her about it. I just couldn't!

I still think about it and get the same feelings! I know if anyone treated me like that now I would handle it SO differently! I would not put up with it for one thing! - doesn't stop the pain I still remember though..

Of course YANBU. This is a very real thing that happened to you and caused you pain. It is completely natural that the memories of it will still cause you pain. The teacher sounds horrendous .

I am also very glad to hear that "you" came back again. Do you feel this is something you would benefit from discussing with a counsellor?

I was bullied throughout high school. It was horrible.

I live near my old school and in the holiday season, when people come back to see their parents, I regularly see the people who were nasty to me. I hold my head up but it still fills me with dread every time.

DH also went to school with me,we didn't now each other at e time but he knew me as the girl who I picked on. If we go somewhere and a bully s here, he holds me close because he knows that while I shouldn't care, I do.

Bullying leaves an awful legacy.

I'm almost 55 and I still bear a huge grudge against a girl at school - when I was 11 - who suddenly decided that I was 'dirty' (which I wasn't) and managed to turn the entire class against me. I endured 3 years of misery, being the outcast of the class. Eventually I simply refused to go to school any more and managed to transfer to another one (after consultations with an educational psychologist, headteacher, etc etc - all of whom were trying to find out what was wrong with me, when really, it wasn't me, it was this girl and her cohorts). This was much to the disappointment of my parents, because the original school was a private one, to which I'd managed to earn a scholarship, and the subsequent school was a state one. I was fine at the second school, and at university, and life in general, but the bullying and rejection can still make me tear up - even now - when I think about it.

I was 27 when I told my Mum exactly what triggered my 'rebellion' at the first school. We both sat and cried our eyes out about it, and she finally understood what had gone wrong - I'd been too embarrassed to discuss it before then. She died, suddenly, a month or so later, but I am so pleased that we'd had that chat and she realised that my behaviour wasn't a result of bad parenting. She was a good mum.

If I met that girl again today, I would be hard pressed not to say or do something I would be ashamed of. These things stay with you, and it's hard to let go of them.

Your post resonated with me, OP, because all this happened just after we'd relocated from the north of England to the south, and my accent was 'different' too. I went from being one of the most popular girls in my year to the one that no one spoke to, or wanted to be with, and it was bloody awful. I still have a fear of rejection, and am paranoid about criticism.

Having said that, I've had a pretty good post-school life, which, as they say, is the best revenge :)

FurryDogMother

Me too - Still have a fear of rejection! I always thought it was just me that these things happened to in this way.
It is sad that so many people suffer this sort of thing and I bet those 'bullies' are totally oblivious to the on going 'pain' they have caused!

When I go out on a Saturday night with my friend from school we often see a girl who was a vile bully at our school. Thing is, my friend has 'forgotten' how awful this cow was, but I haven't and never will.
So my friend will happily chat to her, but I point blank refuse to even look at her. I've been told I should get over it, but I can't and quite honestly it pisses me right off that my friend gives her the time of day!
Bullying is awful but now I feel in control ( didn't at school) as I choose to be bothered by her, or not. I choose not to be, as she doesn't even register on my radar if I see her I just quietly fume while my friend chats away

I was bullied by one particular witch in my class, she was cruel, horrible and at one time or another bullied everyone, so when she moved onto someone else the previous victim was relieved.
I blushed all the time, and hated being asked a question, anything personal being asked of me as it would start me blushing. She liked to shut horrible things about me, the class would laugh and I'd start blushing which would make me stand out more :(
She died about 9yrs ago and a lot of the people I went to school with were going to the funeral and meeting up, they couldn't understand why I wouldn't go to her funeral, I didn't wish her dead but I certainly can't say I mourned for her.
There's a sense of "get over it, it was 25yrs ago"......yes it was but it was such a horrible and cruel experience I can still replay every episode in my head like it was yesterday.

OP, huge sympathies. I recommend you see a counsellor and give yourself a safe place to explore this horrible time and the long-lived after effects that are still with you. As well as having the space to talk it all through, a decent counsellor will be able to help you find ways of thinking about the bullying and its effects that will allow you to consign it to the past.

I will have to face a family member at a funeral soon who bullied me at primary school. We only see each other at funerals and she is always sickly sweet to me. Other people think she is a really nice person, which she probably is now, but I can remember word for word the spiteful things she said to me and how bad it made me feel.

She even spoiled my relationship with my parents because they were quite timid people and as she was 'family' they never stuck up for me even though they knew how upset I was.

It would be no good having it out with her as I am sure she has forgotten all about it. She introduced me to her grown up daughter by saying,"This is Drudge, we were at school together", with a beaming smile. I just wanted to say,"Yes we were, you bitch!"

It's the little girl that she used to be that I want to have the row with. As regards the best revenge being to have a happy life, I haven't had one because she screwed me up good.

Bullying leaves a very long shadow.

I was bullied a lot at school, and it does knock your confidence well into adulthood. It was nothing physical, but it didn't need to be. Taunts and psychological bullying are just as bad.

Sixth form was much better, and I was much happier then. Most of the bullies left, and those who didn't were much less interested in the childish taunts so we could ignore each other then.

I finished school back in 1984 and it was such a relief to move on to university, knowing that I was leaving it all behind.

Agree with Burren. PPs are right to say that you have to accept what happened and let it go but it's not that easy. I had a lot of issues in my teens with my mother (feelings of being rejected in favour of my sister and never being good enough) which dogged me into my 20s. I got counselling after a good friend hassled me enough, and I'm so glad I did.

The feelings are still there but it's like they're in a box and I can see them, but they don't affect me like they used to. If my mum visits and starts up with the old behaviour, I can cope because I have rationalised my reaction to it all. I'm so glad I did it; and I don't believe its a coincidence that my first healthy, long-term relationship (with DP) started soon after. Prior to that, I'd been going from one loser to another. Good luck

Oh lord, you poor thing. Had a very similar and horrible experience at school myself - also had 'posh' accent and was immediately picked on.

On the whole, my time at secondary school was more unhappy than happy.

I was bullied horribly in my middle years at school - hit, kicked, screamed at, called names, had rumours spread about me... It wasn't just a couple of people, it was most of the school (the number of kids was about 1300) and it was relentless.

I was also picked on by a couple of teachers. Your nasty teacher sounds pure evil.

By the time I got to 5th year, a lot of my tormentors left and I actually enjoyed that year and 6th year.

What saved me was a love of debating and public speaking. I did a lot of that at school and my confidence grew.

I still think of the bad times a lot, so you are not unreasonable at all to still be upset.

OP, your post has touched me - I am really sorry for what happened to you.

I meant to add that I left the area when I was 17 to go to university and was glad to turn my back on the nasty little town where I went to school. There was an unpleasant atmosphere in the whole town that naturally permeated the school.

Some years after leaving, I saw one of my tormenters and he called me the nasty name I was called at school - it took me right back to the bullying. I sometimes wonder how I survived.

You are not being unreasonable. Being bullied as a child is awful but having a teacher participate or condone it is so much worse - I think it's because as a child you're taught to have so much respect for and faith in teachers, so it cuts even deeper when they betray that faith.

I was a bookish kid at school, and as such was bullied quite a lot. I ended up being beaten up by a girl who frequently made troubled but the brand-new deputy head decided that we should both be punished. My punishment was sitting in detention outside his office - whilst the other girl's mother sat inside his office and yelled, in my hearing, about what a little b**ch I was. Another teacher - who was very difficult to a lot of people - decided for no apparent reason that she disliked me and picked on me mercilessly - I used to get panic attacks walking to her classes. I think if I saw her on the street today I would feel exactly the same all over again.

It's strange and sad that these things have so much power over us -- but it isn't unreasonable or unusual, I think, for them to do so. But I think it's good to identify the root of these adult fears (no one likes me, I don't want to be unpopular, etc) and realise that they are about the way others treated us, not about the way we are, if that makes sense.

Have you ever read about CBT? I found it very interesting for thinking about the 'root causes' of day-to-day worries, fears, and upsets. CBT talks about the way that core beliefs ('no one likes me') can be rooted in old experiences, and that these can in turn cause negative mental behaviours. I'll try to dig up a good website...

Yanbu. I was bullied at university and ten years on still don't feel completely the 'me' I was at school. I'm probably a kinder, gentler person but I lost the confidence and swagger that would have helped me as an adult. Echoing what a lot of other posters have experienced where I've bumped into them more recently they are perfectly pleasant and polite and keen to talk about the good old days back at uni. I'd love to have the balls to one day say look, I had a shitty time, and a lot of it was down to you. I used to do joint birthday things with the one lovely friend I still have from uni but every year she'd invite the ringleader of the bullies not realising what a shit he was to me. Unfortunately she has a real blind spot with him as they were childhood/family friends. She knew he was far from perfect but I don't think she has any idea how miserable he made my life.

I also bumped into another of the bullies at a party years ago where he blatantly tried to 'network' me as he was trying to break into the industry I work in. (God knows how, given how shy uni made me!)