To be devastated that DD and her boyfriend have spilt up?

[honeybeeridiculous]

DD is 24, she has been with her boyfriend since she was 18, they are both the same age.
Last week she announced that they have decided to split up but are remaining friends. This really upset me, he's a lovely guy and has become well and truly part of the family, stays over, spends Xmas with us etc. we have been with him when his parents divorced and when his grandparents died and now he's gone
I just feel so sad, and I feel sorry for him, just a few weeks ago, valentines day,he gave her bouquet of roses and a card saying he was looking forward to all their plans for the year. It's so damn quiet here too!
I know I probably am BU but it's knocked me for six!

No YANBU. Somebody you've known well and (this is really important) TRUSTED to be respectful and loving towards your daughter, is now not going to be in your life so much. It IS sad. However it's much better she reach this decision now rather than in 10 years time when there are kids and mortgages and goodness knows what in the mix. She is still very young and doubtless they both need a bit of space and time to experience new things with new people.
They may still reunite but for now just be glad you've raised a sensible, loving child who can sustain a 6 year relationship and end it kindly and constructively. That's v impressive actually.

YANBU, you have list a family member in a way.

I hope that you will be able to remain in contact with him. I have an excellent relationship with the parents of my ex boyfriend and they are 'auntie and uncle' to my dc ( from my subsequent marriage, not ex bf's children!).

Agree with MrsM. I had a long term boyfriend in my early 20s that my parents really loved. They were gutted when we split up and it took them a while to stop pining for him. Then I met my DH and they found space in their hearts to love again and now they feel the same about him. It just takes time.

I can understand why you feel a bit sad, but she's clearly making the right decision for her. I'd be proud of her because she hasn't let anyone else influence her choice. It can be very difficult to split up with someone when your OWN family are always telling you how marvellous they think your DP is when you feel differently.

Don't keep going on about how much you miss him, even though she made this choice herself, she'll still have things to come to terms with and the last thing she needs is being made to feel she's let YOU down because you thought he was the bees knees.

YANBU at all to be upset by it, as you've known him a long time and grown close to him and I am sure he feels the same way about you too.

However, there is no point in your daughter being in a relationship with someone she doesn't want to be in whether it be because he's trying to move the relationship too fast i.e. engagement, children etc or because he's too smothering or something else completely different.

My Mum felt the exact same way about my sisters boyfriend whom she was with from 16 to 19. He was polite, had nice parents, loved animals and children and he even bought her a car however he wanted to be more serious than she was prepared to be at that time which was a shame as he was lovely.

I must admit I was a bit :o at the time myself, as I thought she was missing out on something amazing but she had to be happy and she can't just be with someone to keep him/her family happy, she has to be with someone because that's what she wants.

Perhaps they have just outgrown each other?

If they are still going to be friends you'll no doubt see him and he'll come and visit the house sometimes. I know it's not the same, but that's how it goes. It could even be a temporary thing - I've known some people go off to uni to realise they actually wanted to be with their partner they were with during college.

Even if they don't, they've had a good run and he's shown her how a real relationship should be - that she's treated well and that he'll make an effort with her family and friends.

It's totally understandable that you feel sad. Your DD's ex boyfriend has been part of your family and your life for a long time. However, people grow apart. Your DD was young when they got together and maybe she needs to experience more of life before settling down. Since the breakup was amicable you could keep in touch with her ex, I am still friends with one of my exes mothers. You are not BU so long as you don't criticise your DD for the break up because it is a very personal decision.

yanbu to feel gutted.

But please don't do what my mum did re one of my sister's ex bfs.

She invited him along for Sunday lunch, and her too, without telling the other who the other guest would be. The atmosphere was horrible, they were both hideously embarrassed.

UnderIce has got it right. Don't let her feel guilty because you're sad. It's exactly what my DM has done and is doing with me. It's the worst thing when you feel like your parents don't support your decisions.
I understand it's hard for you too though. So you're not BU but just be mindful that your DD is probably feeling delicate.

YANBU to feel sad - you've got to know him over the years and he's become part of your family.

However, your dd has made the decision which is right for her so just try to be there for her and support her.

I remember having a boyfriend in my first year at uni - bit of a whirlwind romance really. I was only 18 (he was older than me at 24) but eventually we parted after a few months together.

I was a bit gutted but soon recovered as I had my first set of exams looming and with hindsight it was the right decision.

However I still remember my parents going on and on about it - 'oh but what was wrong with X', 'We thought you were happy with him' etc.

It was awful for me who wanted to just move on and focus on my degree.

So however tempting it may be to question it just be there to listen xx

alpaca that must have been bloody awful to sit through!

Thanks everyone,mrsmaturin you bought a tear to my eye!
I haven't told DD how upset I am, just said it was a shame, but I agree, it's best to split now rather than with a mortgage, kids etc. infact they had been accepted for a mortgage before Xmas so yes, I do think she is sensible. I think they have probably grown apart, they both work in the same field so I guess she wanted to spread her wings abit.
I just miss him, I also work in the same field so we used to have plenty to chat about. DS misses him too as he now has nobody to beat on the x box and I just imagine him sat at home all lonely ( which is probably not the case atall)

My Brothers still pop in to see my xBF and we've been split up for 25+ years! I feel for you OP and hope you can remain friends with him.

I have felt very upset when my son finished with one of his girlfriends.

Now I can see why he did, as has met someone who he is really compatible with and they are planning to marry and have children.

The last one did not want kids and I definitely want to be a grandma one day so its all turned out for the best. It is tough at the time though.

Oh bless you

Look he's a 24 year old lad whose just out of a long term relationship. He is not sitting home moping. I'm sure he's ok.