How far are you willing to help extended family financially?

[SnowBells]

Not sure where to put this as it is not really a 'Chat' topic. Ths is just for discussion only. I am conflicted about this situation, and don't really know how one should react to this.

As the question says - how far are you willing to help extended family financially? My mother who is in her 60s is quite close to her many siblings (some older, some up to 10 years younger). She has been a SAHM since her early 20s. Over time, when her siblings had financial trouble, whether it be paying for things such as an extensive dental treatment for the kids or simply lack of money, my mum would send money to her siblings. It's a nice thing to do, I agree. Out of all siblings, my mum is probably the most 'wealthy' via my dad. My dad used to just play along with it. Until recently.

The OH of one of my mum's siblings has a very serious illness, and there is an operation that the insurance has refused to pay for (after having paid for other operations in the past - but it just got worse). Of course, we are all devastated about this situation. However, my mum then decided that my dad shall pay for the operation. This is no longer a sum of a few hundreds - but as can be expected... thousands. My immediate family had a blow-up about this. My brother sides with my mum 100%. However, being the rational being that I am, I'm on the fence. The illness, I am sad to say, is very much terminal. This may seem cold, but after a lot of reserch, I'm somehow believing that everyone is just clinging on to the last bit of hope. If it's not this operation, it will be the next one that doctors will suggest. It's a bottomless pit. I can't help but remember that "Edge of Life" documentary by Louix Theroux where patients were treated in LA, millions were spent - and in some cases, it may have shortened the patient's life, creating financial difficulties for their loved ones along the way.

If I had as many siblings as my mother, there is no way DH and I could help each one of them out! There's also your own immediate family to think about. I would be fine with the occasional hundreds... but we would never be able to give thousands away to extended family. And even if I had LOADS of money (wishful thinking)... how far would you go? What if second cousins suddenly came to the fore that you've never even met???

To what extent have you helped extended family?

I think that if they do pay, they have to make sure that everyone knows this is the end of the gifting though - who is going to be there for your parents in their hour of need?

I would help if I could if I was 'cash rich' but I'm seriously not.

A few hundred if someone needed to lend it for rent if they were really struggling and I'd lend more if I could if the operation would actually save someone's life i.e. a kidney transplant or something similar. I'd really do anything to help but if it's terminal, I'd feel like nothing really would help.

I think making the person as comfortable as possible is the best way to go.

I don't think it's fair to expect one person to do it all.

Why not get each sibling to donate £200 each, that seems more fair.

With private "pay as you go" healthcare, the quoted costs could increase significantly, eg if there were complications or the person needed extra recovery time in hospital. Can also be hidden extras like medication, blood tests, "accommodation" and service charges (eg separate fees for anaesthatist, surgeon).

Is it wrong that I'd rather give £5k to the couple for a decent holiday (condition permitting)?

My extended family live abroad in a similar situation it sounds like to yours. Personally having just had first hand experience at how shockingly grabby some doctors are I wouldn't fund it. It would seem that some would recommend surgery no matter what, even if it wasn't indicated or justified, just so that they get more income. It will be a never ending thing with ever more requests.

I'm in the process of helping my mom stop being the purse for an ever expanding extended family who are really just taking her for a ride. I'm sorry about the situation but when talking about these sums of money, people need to think more logically (and do their own research, as you have done).

I'm with your dad. It's wrong if the family to try and guilt him. As you've said, what if this doesn't work? Will he be expected to continue financing endless operations?

It is very sad, but unfortunately, not everything is curable or treatable.

I'd try and get your DM & DF to talk to an independent specialist before they hand over any money.

Is there an opportunity to have this new treatment/experimental treatment as a test case - free?

Also, does your sick relative actually want this treatment or are they under (understandable) pressure from their spouse?

Finally, would your sick relative rather the money spent on funding some amazing end of life care?

It's not that you're too tight to spend, just we cling to hope when there is none and acceptance of the situation is hard. Once we accept we feel we've given up - we've not really but guilt and grief do terrible things.

I come from a family/culture where it's traditional to send money back home. My mum used to send money to siblings in her home country even when my parents just had factory jobs and they were raising four dcs. So I understand the position that your mum is in. I think she saw it as a natural family duty (being the family member who 'made it' to a first world country) rather than seeing her siblings as grabby. My dad is from the same country (though all of his siblings have moved to the UK) so he understands the culture as well.

I've been in a similar sort of position as your relative though, in that my DS needed fees for diagnosis/treatment the NHS wouldn't cover. It wasn't a life threatening issue but certainly affected his quality of life. I was a single mum at the time and was too proud to ask my family for help - I drained all my savings and then got into debt to pay for it. I preferred to do things that way, my siblings/parents would probably have helped if I was desperate/couldn't even get a loan but they aren't so wealthy that they wouldn't have missed out on things as a result.

Of course, the medical circumstances here are different and I can understand the reluctance to help if there is no real hope. I would scramble together cash to help out my dearest if it meant a life saving procedure but not sure about this case.

So your mum is wealthy via your dad and your dad should pay for it.

I'm fucking raging at reading your attitude towards SAHM's.

In our household I've been a SAHM and 'we' are wealthy, 'we' decide what and who we spend money on dependent on whether we can, how much we care and whether it's deserving. Each case is individual.

We have friends we value far more than family so the extended family membership has nothing to do with it. It's a discussion and a joint decision. I've never been dictated to, my DH has never been dictated to.

I think I would be like your Dad.
But I can put myself in the people asking for the money's P.O.V. It must have been very humbling and embarrassing to ask and as long as they've (as they should) expect and made room for the answer, 'no'. All will be well. They must be under a lot of stress and regardless whether your dad paid for it or not, it doesn't look good.
Any blame coming from your mum or anyone else will be unreasonable.
Your dad's probably thinking that he needs money for his own or your mums old age.

I am a sahm.
We have quite a lot of money.
we have - not him, we.

We help family out sometimes. But it depends. We help with stuff that isn't necessarily financial. Drawing a line has always been fairly easy tbh. We have one relative who is something of a scrounger but actually the problem has tended to be getting people to accept help.

I think it depends on the amount.

If you (general you) have a couple of hundred thousand sitting in the bank and someone asks to borrow £5k, I think you'd be very hard-hearted to say no, especially for something like medical costs. Really, either you're prepared to lend X amount to someone or not - picking apart the reason for the funds is not really the lenders place. Obviously if it would put the lender in an unsecure position then the answer is no.

I have an Aunt (very close Aunt) who is very, very well off. She is very frugal on a day-to-day basis, but recently bought her new house (£400k) for cash...before selling her old one for a similar amount. I hate to ask people to lend me money (actually only did it the once). A couple of years ago, dh was made redundant. He got a new job within a month but there was a shortfall of one months wages when he was working his month in hand.

I asked my Aunt if she would lend us the equivalent of one months wages to tide us over (£2k) and that I would pay it back with interest. She said no. Yes, it's her money, I have no right to be cross, she has every right to say no etc etc. But I was cross, and very hurt. It was a drop in the ocean to her, and everything to us at the time. We were completely fucked for 6 months because we were scrambling to pay back the high-interest loan we'd had to take which ended up costing about £4k.

I couldn't sit back and watch family suffer for the sake of a loan I could more than afford to lend. What's the point? You can't take it with you.

I think I'm with your dad on this one. Thousands to fund medical treatment that might not even be worth it...that's opening a real can of worms

The odd thing about lending/borrowing money though is that it has a habit of utterly going to shit.
I never lend money. As soon as you are in a relationship where one owes the other money, it changes it.
If someone needs money I give or I don't. It's easier.

The only times I have ever lent money,and the times other friends/family have, it has always adversely affected the relationship.

I have a brother in a precarious financial position and have bought things like meals and train tickets for him. I would give him money if he needed it and asked but only as much as I could afford to lose and not on a regular basis, only in an emergency.

I think the real question is not how much the operation will cost, but more whether your mum and dad can afford it. If they are millionaires it's a completely different situation to this money representing all of their savings, for example. And I'm not sure that it matters whether the op is worth it from a risk/benefit scenario - probably to the sibling and OH it offers some hope and they are desperate for it (and therefore the money).

Completely agree that your mum should not have agreed without talking to your dad though, that should be a joint decision.

Oh and completely agree with Pagwatch - I would give my brother money if he badly needed it, but would not lend it. That has so much potential for going sour and ruining relationships. If I couldn't afford it, I wouldn't give.

For all of you getting annoyed at the "SAHM" thing... my parents are of the older generation, and have an entirely different set-up.

Mum and Dad do not have a joint account.

Mum gets an allowance into her own account that she can spend at her discretion. She can invest it, spend it - do whatever she likes. Mum also has investments which Dad cannot touch.

Any food, monthly bills, clothes, holidays, etc. all gets paid by my dad.

My mum's very conservative in that way. She is of the older generation where the husband was the breadwinner and never cooks or looks after the kid... unlike DH & I where it's all transparent (and who doesn't mind cleaning the house and cooking - although we both prefer me to do the latter!).

My mum and the rest of my immediate family has ZERO knowledge about how much is actually in my dad's accounts. He never talks about his money in detail. Neither does my mum really want to gain that knowledge - she was just never interested even if he had told her. No one even knows the salary my dad had before he retired. I have once - 10 years ago - seen my dad's account when I did an internship with the bank he's with. I wasn't really allowed to tell anyone - there was a client confidentiality agreement I had to sign.

Its not like they're borrowing the money for a new car or something is it?

Interestingly I find myself in a slightly similar situation but with a friend of a friend who I've never met. I've offered help including about £800. Tbh I do not think the operation will be successful and to be frank we don't have all the money in the world at the moment... BUT we do have the money and I know that if she does die at least her family will know she tried everything. Maybe it's different as she is young and has young children, but for me it's about giving people peace of mind that they tried everything rather than if the op is successful.

Also maybe I should add I'm a SAHM too! And my decision to give...!

Well to be honest, that doesn't make any difference does it?
However they regard their situation, the money is hers as much as it is his.