To expect him to be ready to go when we have made plans?

[Sickandtired14]

I am 5 months pregnant and have a 21 month old DD. My DH is the worlds worst time keeper and procrastinator. It literally drives me mad.
We made plans to go get pizzas and eat them in the park for lunch today. My dd naps from 10-12 so we need to go as soon as she wakes so her lunch isn't late. Also I'm pregnant and starving already so don't want a late lunch. At 11.15 I said 'if your gonna shower before we go don't leave it to late please as don't want to delay DD's lunch' he then said 'I need to sort out stuff and clean some shoes first'
I did react abit surprised as none of this had been mentioned earlier (the shoes are mud caked football boots so not a short job).
He saw my reaction and didn't like it and said 'give her lunch here then by the time she's done we can have a later lunch and I'll have done everything and be ready'
I said something like 'I don't want a late lunch I'm hungry already. I don't see why you have had all morning to do tees shoes but decide to do them now' and then did slightly launch into a grumble cos he ALWAYS does this. It's like organising a child. Whenever were goin g anywhere I am dressed and ready and dd is dressed and ready by the door and I'm saying 'come on daddy, can you please get up and turn the tv off and get ready please' and it draws all the enjoyment out of everything for me. He's 39 FFS.

Anyway, now he's got the hump cos apparently I am bullying him and not letting him do why he wants. I've pointed out that delaying mine and her lunch cos he wanted to sit and watch tv all morning is unfair. But he's says I'm unreasonable.

Am I? Am I being selfish by expecting him to get ready like an adult and stick to plans rather then change them in his head without telling anyone else??

I've cancelled going out cos I literally can't be bothered now. Why waste the money when I will no longer enjoy it....

go out with DD and enjoy yourselves without him.

repeat until he gets his arse in gear.

My partner is like this and it drives me crackers.

Couldn't he have cleaned his shoes when you got back?!

I would've just gone without him.

My ex partner used to be exactly like this, I had to start telling him we were leaving an hour earlier than we were as he was so bad. He started making me leave the house and he would catch me up when he was ready.
There's a reason he's ex partner.

My DH us similar, and tbh if it was a possibility I'd have gone without him. Had you told him you wanted to leave as soon as DC woke? If so you're not being unreasonable at all

He knew be uses he had an actual discussion about it. Thing is if he doesn't want to do something. He won't say cos if he does 'then I start a row'. I don't but obviously I might look like I'm ecstatic by not doing it. But he gets incredibly upset if I am not happy. So he will say 'yes, that's fine we'll do that' and then just not do it. But I can never tell which things he wants to do and who he doesn't.

I often tell him were leaving at such a time when I plan to leave later and it annoys him cos in 'treating him like a child'...

Has just really annoyed me today cos we spent sat and sun doing house stuff and not family stuff and all I wanted was to go out and have lunch and take her out as a family but he's been a child about it....

So stop parenting him and just let the natural consequences happen!

He's not ready to leave at 12? Then he cant leave at 12. You and dd can though. Go and have lunch and leave him to clean his boots.

Go with dd and leave his lardy arse there alone with his muddy boots.

Go without him. People like this are so selfish.

Just go out now without him, or do something else first - eat something. Making a song and dance about it makes you look like you're nagging him, and really you don't HAVE to leave right on 12 o' clock, do you? You do sound quite naggy tbh.

Tell him you're getting a snack for you and dd now and will be ready to leave by such and such a time. You'd love him to come with you, so hope he'll be ready to join you by then.

It's not about leaving bang on 12. It's knowing that he is going to do a long job when he knows we need to go when she wakes otherwise her lunch is late. Then he will have a shower and shave and choose clothes so were leaving 45-60 mins late. If I give her a snack she won't eat lunch. Me and her are going - which is amusing a huge row cos I'm pressuring him and then doing what I want etc. All about me. But it's just the principle. Also how he manages to make me doubt myself. I know he is the one acting like a child but he makes me wonder if I really am such an unreasonable person

Sounds like my DH used to be. He'd then say what a great 'day' out we'd had and I'd say it was good but that 3 hours wasn't the 'day' I'd hoped for.

Then he went the other way, would make a point of being super fast and sitting in the car.

I'd then make a point of asking if the cats had been fed, if DD had brushed her teeth, was wearing the right shoes and had a coat. We had the discussion about him taking responsibilty for more than just himself.

All that was years ago and he's now sufficiently trained so this no longer happens.

I'd just leave him at home if he isn't ready to go.

He sounds awful.

If he was attempting to get ready but for some reason ran a little over time that's different.

If he doesn't want to go/leave at 12 he should say so!

I have difficulties getting out on time. I just have terrible time perception, what I think will take 5 minutes takes 15 (and sometimes reverse), and when I think I'm ready I remember there's one more thing I have to do before I leave and so on. Now that I have a baby it's even worse because now there's a whole new set of tasks to do before going out.

My husband just starts heading to the car whether I'm ready or not, baby in hand. Most times I'm chasing him to the car with shoes in hand so he doesn't leave without me. We're still pretty harmonious, and left to my own devices we'd be an hour late to everything.

So from a fellow procrastinator, it's really nothing personal. That said, you can leave without him. He'll learn, even if he's putting his shoes on in the car.

But, 'Late' in the sense that YOU said you were going out at 12. If dp wanted to dictate times to me like that, when it actually isn't a time dependent thing, I'd be more inclined to faff about and keep him waiting. It doesn't sound like you've planned it together, but that you expect him to work to your timetable. Children don't have to be entirely regimented and if she has a snack now and lunch a bit later, it really, really won't matter.

Yes, he's being a bit of a dick - but I think I understand why he is.

I don't think he wants to go out with you. If you go without him he will be able to potter around the house, have a leisurely shower and watch tv/play computer games. Timekeeping is not the problem, it's that he doesn't want to have lunch in the park with you and DD and if he's not ready, he won't have to.

The thing is, when you start going off to do stuff anyway and leaving him, it'll become more normal for you to do stuff with the kids while he potters around at home because that's what he actually prefers to do.

"If dp wanted to dictate times to me like that, when it actually isn't a time dependent thing, I'd be more inclined to faff about and keep him waiting."

Why wouldn't you just say that 12 is too early & half past or one would be better?

It seems like such a small thing yet so weird and disrespectful. Powerofme is absolutely right: of course you can just set off without him but then it'll become the norm that you're responsible for taking the kids out for fun things whilst he fucks around at home. I'm really pissed off on your behalf.

I don't see it as "dictating times"! From what I understand, the OP is saying, "So we'll leave around 12?" And the husband says, "Yes."

That's normal. My husband and I do that all the time. "So, we'll set off on our morning walk around 9:30?" "How about 10 instead?" "Agreed." Then we're all on the same page and it just goes more smoothly.