to be so angry with my mum

[heraldgerald]

Sorry not coping.
I've posted before about my mum having sole control over my brothers affairs as he is profoundly disabled following a road accident 16 years ago.

It's one fuck up after another, endless problems with carers, the money from his compensation has mainly all gone e tc. She won't accept any help from dh and I and likes to be in control but has terrible tantrums and often misunderstand s the facts if the matter and so on. She's nearly 70.

She has had three fairly serious accidents in her car in the last 3 month and wrote the car off completely on the last one. One of the accidents involved her racially abusing the other driver and she was punched unconscious.

My entire life with her has been either witnessing or hearing about distressing events whereby she has done something stupid to contribute to the situation.

She has now bought herself an even more powerful car. I will personally not get in a car with her. Wibu to report her to the dvla?

The endless fuck ups, tantrums and misunderstandings are affecting my db s quality of life.

I do think she shows signs of early onset dementia.

Wibu to tell the courts who assign legal deputy ship that my mother does not have the capacity to do it?

In top of this im angry with her for never being there for me or my d c.

Take a deep breath. You sound like you are about to pop!

I think you probably do need to do something, for her and your brother. And yes, if you think she is beyond driving you will have to do something there too.

Start with her GP, tell them how upset and bothered you are and see what they say. They may choose to help you with a letter for the DVLA and/or the courts. You won't have much luck with either with some medical evidence to support you.

At the very least the GP and carers will be able to assess the impact her behaviour is having on your brother.

I am sure there will be someone who has more experience and advice. Good luck.

Contact the Vulnerable Adults section in your local adults services (via the council) - talk to them, they may be able to step in to protect the interests and care of your brother.

Yanbu

Don't get angry it is counter productive.

You have a duty to tell the dvla as she shouldn't be on the road and is very dangerous.

Sounds like dB would be better off out of there but that would hurt her. Difficult one but I would apply for care to be handed over to another family member but in a way she can't find out it was you.

Thanks for responses. It would damage her quality of life if she wasn't on the road but I couldn't live with myself if she killed someone.

I will need to take over deputy ship myself and she will be furious if I force it. In some ways I feel like leaving them to it. That's bad isn't it.

If she's over 65, it's not early-onset. She does sound overwhelmed.

Bloody hell you've got a lot on your shoulders herald

I do think you'd be better off taking over the deputy ship. Have you spoken with any social workers?

Having read at least one of your other threads feeling like leaving them to it would have crossed my mind ages ago in your situation so don't feel bad about it, I think you've been remarkably patient.
Reporting her would be the responsible thing to do but you need to step back a bit or you'll end up making yourself ill with stress.

Thanks for the support. I do feel a bit calmer for posting and reading responses. It does feel like a lot on top of work, d c and I'm pg but only 7 weeks so feeling emotional and like I could do with some support myself which I never, ever get. D m also isolated us, I feel from wider family by being so extreme in her behaviour so now I feel as though there is no one to turn to.

She is also spending her pension at a rate of knots ie taking d b plus carer on a cruise every year, justifies it with oh poor d b needs an accessible holiday- the last one cost 16 k in all.

I have such a sense of foreboding that none of this will end well and just can't see what s in my power to sort out and what I should just leave. I do feel ill if I'm honest.

And I should add that I am worried, at some point the financial and care burden for both of them will stop with me, which if things were managed better now needn't be as bad as it might, if you see what I mean. Is that selfish?

Thanks quiet. I will do that tomorrow.

Much appreciate everyone's posts. Feel less cross and more strong.

Blimey what a complete nightmare. Managed well compensation should be enough to cover your db lifetime needs but not if your Mum is being irresponsible

Sounds like you do need to some impartial proper advice. Yes to phoning the dvla.

Is she actually insured to drive? Surely the premiums must be phenomenal if she's declaring her accidents? I'd be concerned that her insurance isn't valid, especially if she has medical problems.

Sorry but you really need to chat with the CoP

Thanks so much for responses. I'm pretty sure she hasn't declared the accidents. What makes it worse for me is the little fibs and commissions so I'm never completely clear about what's going on. She's then placatory and defensive all at once which can erupt into rage if I call her on any of this, or about the logic of buying an even more powerful car.

I will call the sw. I will write to her gp. I will contact cop. I'll contact dvla.

I just don't feel like I want to get involved in any of the fights but I also know I need to do the right thing .

Bloody hard.

*ommissions

Racially abusing someone and being punched unconscious? Good lord!

Yes she also had broken ribs as a result. Absolutely horrendous. Didn't tell me for days.

A really, really stupid, offensive thing to bring into a heated situation.