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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think dh is being lazy and I'm not 'making' our toddler clingy?

23 replies

spottymog · 04/05/2014 15:23

Dd is 22 months. When she was younger dh would always assume she was hungry if she cried and pass her back to me as she was/is breastfed. He has never done night wakings or dealt with her when ill. I work from home and he works outside the home but on shifts so he has at least three days off per week. Dd is pretty independent if it's just her and me and will play alone while I do jobs and walk most places.

However, when dh is here he'll keep picking her up then when she fusses (she hardly speaks) he'll say 'don't worry, Mummy is this way' and return her to me where she'll then want me to pick her up. If I go to the toilet I'd usually tell her then shut the door, she might make one moaning noise but then goes off to play. However when dh is here he'll keep saying 'its ok, Mummy will be back' etc and she ends up getting really upset.

Earlier I left the room to get a drink and dd started crying (because her toy wasn't switched on) and dh said to her 'whats the matter? Has mummy gone? Why don't you go and find her?' while he stayed rooted to the sofa cue crying toddler round my ankles. I feel like he's making her insecure by trying to reassure her, if that makes sense. He never tries to console or distract her, just directs her back to me.

I'm pregnant and daunted by the age gap and dh keeps saying not to worry as he'll help and dd will just have to get used to it but I think it's unfair to expect her to suddenly accept him once baby is born but in the meantime keep sending her to me. His friend says it must be me making dd clingy as she only wants me when upset but I think if dh actually tried settling her rather than inferring that only I'm capable of doing so it'd make a big difference. Aibu?

OP posts:

Morgause · 04/05/2014 15:28

He's being a lazy arse.

YANBU in the least.

3littlefrogs · 04/05/2014 15:29

Yes he is being lazy and thoughtless.
This is the ideal time for him to be encouraging her to be happy and easily distracted.
Everything you have said is spot on.
I don't know what you can do though, other than actually leaving the house for long periods so that he has to do some parenting.

PansOnFire · 04/05/2014 15:32

YANBU, he is definitely encouraging the clingyness. It sounds like he's 'scared' of being alone with her or of dealing with her, my DH can be a bit like this when he's spent time away from us (work). I usually just explain what I'm doing as I do it and when DH sees it works he tries to do the same. My DH was scared of the possibility of meltdowns despite the fact DS has never really been one for fussing. I think it's a confidence thing rather than laziness but I agree, it's incredibly irritating!

Fairenuff · 04/05/2014 15:36

I think you need to go out and leave them to it as often as possible, preferably for a whole day, so that he can become confident in working out what she wants and how best to interact with her.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 04/05/2014 15:36

YANBU, he's being lazy. Have you talked to him about it as it will not help when you've got a newborn as well. He needs to learn to deal with your dd and not just pass her off to you every time because it's easier for him.

PrincessBabyCat · 04/05/2014 15:37

Good question. My baby settles easier for me. So there's days my husband will just pass her back to me because he's tired of fighting a lost cause. Sometimes she sleeps for him, sometimes she doesn't. She always does for me, except for when she doesn't.

Your daughter might just be a mommy's girl. :)

He may just not know how to calm her down, have you showed him some techniques? It may be instinctual for you, but for him he may not know what to do. My husband understands two things with the baby: Feed her, change her diapers, bounce her to sleep. He was on baby duty once and left her in her swing to cry for a few minutes before I stepped in. I called him on it and he was just like "I already fed her. She doesn't want anything!". Had to explain to him that babies like to be held and cuddled for the sake of it, not just to be put to sleep. They don't just need maintenance.

Original poster

spottymog · 04/05/2014 15:40

3littlefrogs I won't be able to keep leaving once baby is born though. It's no good if he parents alone but still defers to me at all other times. The days he's home I can't even have a shower in peace because he'll keep telling her 'don't worry, mummy is just having a quick shower' and she'll come and find me and cry outside the shower until I'm done. Yet when it's the two of us she'll play alone happily in her adjoining bedroom. His answer to that is that he should leave us to it but I think he should use this time to build up learning how to play with her so he can help once baby is born.

He means well in that he wants to cook/wash up to help but when I've had the kids for 12 hours, I'd love a ten min break from them to wash up.

OP posts:

Original poster

spottymog · 04/05/2014 15:42

Fairenuff he has her alone when I have meetings and obviously manages to keep her occupied then but when I'm n option, he doesn't bother to try. He seems to assume she must want me and transfers that feeling to her by telling her so. It's like he's telling her he's inadequate.

OP posts:

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 04/05/2014 15:44

Tell him to stop saying that to her.

One of the things I love when DH is home is being able to shower in peace. It's such a luxury!

Original poster

spottymog · 04/05/2014 15:48

I've told him pobble. I said it'd be a bloody long day if I said 'don't worry daddy will be back soon' every time she cried when actually he's not back for 10+ hours and him being gone is nothing to do with why she's upset (as is often the case the other way round - he just presumes any upset is because of me!)

OP posts:

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 04/05/2014 15:55

And what's his response?

Fairenuff · 04/05/2014 15:59

Yes, what does he say?

Original poster

spottymog · 04/05/2014 16:01

He says she knows I'm around and so won't settle with him. That there's no point struggling for ages to try and get her to calm down when she could just see me and be ok. No idea how that attitude is gonna help once baby born!

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 04/05/2014 16:02

'Each time you say that you remind her I'm not here and she grizzles. Just settle her yourself man'.

PrincessBabyCat · 04/05/2014 16:05

You can try what me and my husband do. We split time up in shifts. When he's on duty, everything is on him from settling to maintenance. I come for cuddles sometimes, but it's mostly on him. I'm off duty. When I'm on duty, he gets a break.

Maybe if he thinks of it in terms of work shifts and that you are "unavailable" so to speak it'll make it easier for him to think of it like that.

Yeah, I dunno. He sounds like he's taking an easy out. Can you establish some ground rules that he at least has to try doing 3 things to calm her down before sending her to you?

Fairenuff · 04/05/2014 16:18

Yes, I think you need to talk this through with him and explain that when you are having time away from your dd, he has to engage her without any reference to you.

He can distract her, play with her, ignore her for a short time if you are both agreeable with that, or even take her out for a walk.

Trillions · 04/05/2014 18:05

Agree with the person who said to go out as much as possible for extended periods of time! Small babies are quite portable :)

Bogeyface · 04/05/2014 20:50

So he is saying that the wee one only settles for you but thats because he makes her fret when you are not around!

Could it be old fashioned laziness? Or the assumption that childcare=womans work?

Original poster

spottymog · 04/05/2014 22:57

I think he's just not very confident. When I'm not an option it makes sense to him to distract her, but when I am he doesn't think it'll work because he assumes he won't be good enough for her if I'm there - but he doesn't see that it's him that's making dd think that way.

OP posts:

matildasquared · 05/05/2014 06:21

I'm not really buying the "she won't settle for me" stuff. I think you aren't either. The child has two parents.

The next time he does that crap, pick her up and plop her in his lap and say, "Nope, time for some quality daddy-and-daughter time!" Then go back to what you were doing.

drinkingtea · 05/05/2014 06:34

Could he take her out OP - my DH isn't always as hands on as might be ideal, esp when the kids are small and not verbal... If talking to him doesn't help maybe you could suggest/ insist he starts taking her out on one of his days off per week (for a couple of hours the first time, then longer), to a local attraction - petting farm or such like would be ideal I guess, or just walk to a local park to play on swings and feed ducks, as they would interact, rather than soft play or his family etc.... Then once the baby is here they can go out for an hour or two each day and some longer days, eventually they'll feel more natural in each others company hopefully, but even if that takes a while at least you'll get some breaks.

Treaclepot · 05/05/2014 06:39

You can definiately leave them alone when the baby is born, get her used to it now though.

Also get him used to look after boypth of them asap on his own. Start with little 15 mins while you pop out/go for a walk.

He is lazy and selfish.

Treaclepot · 05/05/2014 06:42

Don't be fooled by the 'not confident' bit.

Lazy.

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